Back

One thing about having chronic back problems is that it’s like joining a club.  It doesn’t matter if it’s a simple annoyance or requires surgery, you suddenly join a group.  It’s a pretty crappy club though.

We don’t have secret handshakes but we do have secret ways to shimmy our way to the bathroom in the morning.

The thing about having a bad back is that it is all consuming, and I don’t mean just physically.  An ailing back can damage even the strongest of pysche.  Let me give you an example:

Often when my back acts up it doesn’t really hurt, at least not yet.  The best way I can describe it is like an anxiety attack.  You can’t get comfortable staying still, it’s uncomfortable to move, and it’s a constantly building pressure of awkward annoyance.  Over the course of several hours it drives me to such distraction that I want to cause great bodily harm to my own person.

If you also have had back problems, I could simply shrug with a grimace and you would nod complete understanding.  The rest of you think that since it doesn’t really hurt, per se, that I should just take an aleve and get over it.  I’m not being hyperbolic about how aggravating this scenario is, by the way, if anything I’m selling it short.

There is also the indescribable feeling where you can feel that your back may end up going out, but you aren’t sure yet.  It’s frightening.  But to the uninitiated, you simply wonder why I’m acting strange if nothing is wrong yet.  Woe be to the fool who ignores the warning, because you will suffer.  But when you’re careful and the next day your back feels just fine?  Epic.

So yeah, you’re going to suffer from back ailments, but at least you aren’t alone.  Unfortunately, nobody in the club will listen to you complain because they know their turn is coming up soon...

I say "'Tard"

You know what I don’t understand?  Why we all make allowances for everybody else’s actions.  I’m as much a recipient of this as anybody else, so I’m not really complaining.  It’s just a wonder.  Haven’t you ever wanted to tell someone to “stop being such an f’n ‘tard?”

Let’s say you’re an asshole (me,) or a drunk (me,) or a stoner, or self-absorbed(me,) or living in the past, or shallow (me,) or any other of a myriad of assholery (me.)  Everybody just moves on.  We forgive the belligerent drunk because he was belligerently drunk.  We forgive the stoner because she was too out of it to pay attention.  We forgive the thieving ass-hat because it was the heroin’s fault.  Unless you kill somebody, we just seem to let it go.  And if you don’t, then you’re the mean prick for not forgiving them.  We have these silly interventions because we are “sad” or “worried.”  Why does it all have to come from love?  I think we should be allowed to tell people to stop being an idiot because they are being an idiot!  

In major things, this is obviously a problem.  The drunk driver who eventually kills the pregnant teenager taking night GED classes will be hated, but not until we have a dead teenager.  But what about the little things?  What about the person who has tons of potential but simply never lives up to it?  I’m not sure why we feel sorry for them when maybe we should be sorry we know them.  Look, I know that I’m a large waste of most peoples’ time even though I could have been a mediocre waste of most peoples’ time.  Isn’t that tragic? I coulda been a contenda!  But nobody is mad at me, they are just depressed about me.  (Speaking of which, stop thinking about me so much, it’s embarrassing.)

We like to make allowances for other people, and it’s pretty understandable.  Most of us don’t like conflict, and it’s rarely worthwhile even to those of us who do.  But it’s also condescending in a way.  It’s almost like you all expected my ass-hattery but were too kind to mention it when I was younger.  Why aren’t you vocally disappointed in the father who ignores his kids?  I’m pretty sure we’re allowed to refer to them with expletives, though I use them too often to have much sting.  But if you never swear and then call them a “fucktard,” think of how awesome that would be?  Some of you may be offended that I swear like a sailor, but when I stub my toe I get to swear like a sailor guilt free.  That’s worth your disappointment.

I’m not necessarily saying that this is all a bad thing.  I was at a party where somebody was far more touchy than they normally would have been.  It’s not like I wanted to give them a hard time for being red faced and happy.  We do make allowances for people, I’m just wondering if we go too far.  Unless I’ve blacked out, then I’m all for it.

He's a Peach

        Some people find me difficult to deal with.  That’s fair.

        However, I actually disagree with the assessment.  I understand where people are coming from, because I have somewhat arbitrary personality rules that are unyielding.  But the thing is, they are rules and I don’t change them.  In a sense, my arbitrary rules aren’t arbitrary at all because they are consistent.  If you think of it that way, I’m actually an incredibly easy person to deal with because you know exactly what you’re getting into.

        Let’s be honest, 95% of the time I don’t care enough to make an argument.  My Give-A-Shit-A-Meter (patent pending) generally spikes somewhere between “eh” and “meh.”  So you are more than likely to get your way, and not by a small margin.  The problem is the 5% of the time that I do make a decision.  The decision is made, and it’s that simple.  No argument, your point of view doesn’t matter.  And that’s not fair.  Deal.

        If you need to get your way all the time, or just want someone to actually care about your opinion 100% of the time, then yes, I am difficult.  But that ain’t changing cupcake because again, I am difficult.

        

Back to School

        Tis the season when the children are being ushered back to school.  First of all, good riddance.  I mean, you kids just prattle on and on about stupid stuff, and it isn’t even your fault.  It’s hard to know what value is until your life has lost some of it, and unless you’ve had an unfortunate childhood you haven’t had a chance to gain perspective yet.  Potential is a cruel mistress and idealism is a rich man’s game.  Wait until the signature on your rent check is your own.

        Exhale.

        But what I really wanted to do it give you a small piece of advice.  Because, I’m, y’know magnanimous and all.  I know in the past that I’ve been pretty adamant that I don’t like to give advice, but since you aren’t real people yet I’m making an exception.  So I’m going to advise you to do one thing:

        Embrace the bullshit.

        Yes, that means that I agree that you have to deal with a ton of ridiculousness in school.  Teachers aren’t particularly intelligent, in case you haven’t noticed.  They aren’t unintelligent either, they are just people with a job.  The best teachers are people who made an effort to learn because they had to, and hopefully still know more than you.  People who are too smart to struggle have no idea how to help other people through their struggles.

        What does this mean?  Don’t expect too much from your teachers and avoid the really smart ones.  But also, you are going to have bad teachers and good teachers having a bad day.  They may assign busy work just to get you to shut up.  As noted above, I am sympathetic to the sentiment.  You are going to be upset because it’s a waste of your time and the teacher doesn’t know what they’re talking about and you’re never going to have to use this stuff and you have other important things to do and nobody trusts you blah, blah, blah, BS, BS, BS.  

        Welcome to the rest of your life.  We all have to deal with crap that doesn’t make any sense or seems unfair.  How you deal with it directly correlates to how successful you can be.  Let me explain the corporate ladder to you, it only goes up.  You get promoted until you no longer deserve to move any higher, which typically means that you aren’t that good at what you do.  But they hardly ever move someone back down.  So unless your boss is still on their way up, they have reached their plateau of incompetence.  The plateau makes you bitter, so you take it out on your staff.  It’s not fair, he/she doesn’t know what they’re doing, nobody works harder than me, that’s my stapler, this place would shut down if it wasn’t for me blah, blah, blah, BS, BS, BS.

        And that’s the pattern.  The more comfortable you are with the suck, the better equipped you will be to handle it.  So all of that stupid busy work that is a waste of your time is actually one of the most important things you can take away from your education.  And typing, you should learn how to type.  You can pretty much ignore the rest. 

Debbie Downer

I have often heard the fair criticism that I’m overly negative.  Please don’t interpret “fair” with “constructive;” I’ve rarely ever heard constructive criticism about anything.  I’m pretty sure it’s just a way to feel justified being an asshole.

But back to the matter at hand, I’m willing to concede that I can be a bit of a downer.  I tend to see the downside of things.  And it doesn’t really matter what it is, a personality, world event, work changes, etc...  I always see the potential pitfalls.  But that’s an important distinction.  I may see the pitfalls, but I’m not looking for them.

Is that really a bad thing?  Let’s look at the macro realities here:  Am I going to win any puppy dog and sunshine awards?  No, but I’m not in a near constant state of crying either.  Am I consumed by dark moods and suicidal thoughts?  Of course not, every time I’ve almost killed myself has been completely accidental.  If anything, I’m defined by my apathy, which by definition is not depressive.  

One consideration that I think is pretty big here is that I’m not trying to convince anybody else of my worldview.  I see the downside initially and it doesn’t bother me.  It may bother you, but I’m not some Eeyore caricature trying to prove the depths of darkness in the world.  You may see me as depressing but don’t confuse that with me being depressed.  If I was actually anywhere near as negative as my reputation, one would think I’d act on my dark fantasies.

And lastly, I’m not going to apologize for the way I see the world.  People say I’m too negative but nobody ever accuses me of being inaccurate or fantastical.  I’ll never make a good cheerleader, but I may see a problem before it becomes a problem.  And if I’m bringing you down, stop talking to me.  Since I’m so negative I’ll probably figure it’s my fault anyway.

Somewhat Damaged

Current political events have got me thinking about idealism, which is never a good topic for me.  I get it, I appreciate it, and I hate it.  I also don’t relate to it and never really have, so I don’t have the same long-term connection to it that others do.  Children are generally pretty idealistic (and incredibly mean) creatures, but I was never particularly optimistic (though I was mean.)  And please realize that not being optimistic does not make one a pessimist by default.  Those are opposites, not an either/or scenario.

Adult idealism is cute in it’s way, and it certainly has it’s uses.  I’d say the arts in particular have a need for chimerical thinking.  But blind faith and idealism is so remarkably easy and servile that there is no firm grasp on reality.  Idealism in politics, religion, or sports are so pervasive that you would almost believe they are fact based.  This is not to say that your politics, religion, or sporting affiliations are only a product of misguided idealism.  But it does mean that many adherents to your politics, religion, or sporting affiliations are guided by idiotic idealism.  And idiotic is the proper term for idealism when you get to be, I don’t know, an adult.

People want to hope for the best, to believe that good always wins.  This is apparent in our novels, our movies, and in the stories of our lives that we tend to share.  People like parables, they like to have meaning.  So do I, by the way.  I just compartmentalize entertainment away from reality.  The power of positive thinking is nothing more than mental masturbation.  This is all well and good in its place, just don’t place it everywhere.  The world is primarily grey, there is very little black and even less white.

I know that I tend to attack people’s paradigms, and for no reason other than I can.  On a Wiggin scale I’d probably be more Peter than Valentine (which would make me what?)  It’s a fault that won’t change, and I won’t apologize for something that I cannot control.  But in many instances, I think that I’m right to do such a thing, though not necessarily in such a hurtful manner.  People tend to have faith in their hopes, and that often leads to tragic mistakes.  When you follow a belief for the sake of the belief, you can never build the foundation to hold it up.  Belief has value as a beacon, but not an action.

Not to say that realists don’t make mistakes, we just make a different kind.  I’m simply less aggravated by the arrogant mistakes of people who think they know what’s best based on what they know, rather than the arrogant mistakes of people who believe they know what’s best because of what they hope.  Both ends of the spectrum are damaged, I’ll admit.  I just would hope more people would aim for the middle.  I’ve always thought being somewhat damaged is the appropriate goal.

But is it really?

“I guess it’s better than being alone.”

That’s a lyric from a song I’ve liked recently, though admittedly it isn’t all that original.  It’s one of those things that you see and hear alot, actually.  And the connotation is pretty consistent as well; not being alone is better than being alone.  I completely disagree.

Part of this may be the anti-social in me, but give me a little latitude here.  Being alone is frackin awesome!  You get to do what you want (nothing,) it’s quiet (with nothingness,) and it’s completely freeing (with nothing to get in the way.)  I enjoy my alone time; it’s where I’m most comfortable.  So for me, the phrase “it’s better than being alone” is astounding because whatever “it” is must be amazing!  It’s better than being alone?  What is this awesomeness?  Because alone rocks.  

Hold on a second, I know what you’re thinking.  How am I turning this negative statement into a positive statement?  That’s not my style, I’m the guy who can make you feel guilty for having happy (shallow) thoughts.  Aha!  That may be what ya’ll think, but it’s not always true.  If something is better than being alone it must truly be special.  I can’t imagine what it could possibly be, however, so I get to keep my downer cred.

Here’s the thing, the very concept that being alone is negative bothers me.  I get that humans are somewhat social creatures.  I also get that being alone can be a sign of being an outcast.  Trust me, I’ve had more than my fair share of unavoidable alone time.  You know, sitting around in a social setting with no one to talk to.  That can blow.  Side note:  Loneliness is far more acute with a group of people.  AKA: Junior High

But is that most of your alone time?  Do you avoid spending time by yourself because you’re scared of feeling that way?  I’d certainly hope not.  If you aren’t comfortable when no one else is around, how can you possibly be comfortable when someone is?  Own your alone time, it’s the only time you don’t have to share.  You can never be yourself as much as when you’re by yourself.  If you don’t know who you are alone, then you definitely don’t know who you are with someone else.  Now that can’t be healthy.

Seriously, name a single relationship defined by “it’s better than being alone” that ever actually turned out to be better than being alone?  See?  Alone is awesome.