Part 12

This is getting close to being the longest continuing story I've ever written, and I don't feel like I've really gotten anywhere yet. Don't know what to make of that notion.

A couple days later I stopped by Mike’s place on the way home, hoping to get an update on how things were going with Sheryl. We weren’t keeping in touch as well as we usually did, which made me nervous. Though I was also probably just anxious about the whole thing, and was hoping things were moving along.

When I got there I found Mike in the garage as usual, but he was obviously drunker than normal. He was sitting in his easy chair staring into space. He didn’t even notice me walk in. I saw and empty bottle of whiskey next to him, and another one that was almost full. I wonder how full the empty one was when he started.

“Hey Mike.” I said.

He looked up at me leisurely, as if he was half dreaming. “Will?”

“Yep.”

“Well I can see that! Come on in bud, have a seat. Have a drink with me.”

“Sure, you still have beer in the fridge?”

“You thirsty?” he said, looking confused.

I chuckled, “Yeah Mike, I’m thirsty.”

“Go ahead then, you have your beer and then you can have a drink with me.”

“We’ll see.” I walked over to the fridge and overheard him muttering, “he ain’t having a real drink with me, nope, I’m gonna a drink alone tonight.” I grabbed a glass on my way back from the kitchen, figuring I’d have to have at least one real drink with him.

“So what’s the word on our target?” I asked.

“Heh, heh, target. I like that, makes it sound all official and shit. Like we’re really doing something.”

“Oh we’re doing something alright.”

“Trying to... Well, Ms. Bowman is keeping her nose clean, clean, clean. She hasn’t done nothing at all, spends all her time going to the store to fix up the old house she lives in. Doesn’t do nothing to help us out.”

“Why isn’t she looking for a job or something, isn’t that part of her probation?”

“Nope, her mom died not long ago, and she inherited a bunch of money so she doesn’t have to work. She’s doing community service stuff, cleaning up garbage on the roadside crew and whatnot. They don’t have her working with kids or anything.”

“Good idea,” I mused.

“Yep, keep the predator from the prey. But I’m the predator now, and it’s also keeping me from my prey. No good. No good at all.”

“Hmm… time will come, always does.”

“Yep,” Mike perked up. “Time always does come, for all of us. You get Ella knocked up yet?”

“Nope, we’re still thinking about it. She’s mad at me, so there isn’t much talk on the subject.”

“Mad at you? No good, no-no good. You always want an open discourse with the wife. It’s key. You do something wrong?”

“I dunno, maybe.”

“Ah, I know that feeling. I’ve always like Ella, but she’s never liked me.”

“Sure she likes you.”

Mike gave a stunted cackle. “Nope, Ella doesn’t like Mike, never did. It’s okay though; we don’t get along because we’re the kind of people who aren’t going to get along. Nothing you can do about it, it’s just one of those things. I like her though; we just can’t ever be friends. She’s a good person.”

“So are you Mike, you’re a good person too.”

“You really like that idea, don’t you? We’re the good guys… fighting evil!”

“And you like the idea that you’re the bad guy.”

“Bad guy? Ha! I’m not a good guy, I’m not a bad guy, I’m just some guy. Ain’t nothing to it really, just a guy. There’s no good or bad, just what is and what isn’t. But you can be the good guy Will, I know you like it.”

“Just want to do a good thing.”

“It’s just a thing. I’m glad though, that you want to help me with it. Even though I think you’re stupid for wanting to do what you want to do.” I was about to protest but he cut me off. “Now I know that you’re going to do it, that you want to get a kill. ‘Get a kill’ sounds so sterile, doesn’t it? Like it’s a bug or a gopher or maybe a pet puppy or something. Put em in a bag and drown em. Her name is Sheryl Bowman, and she is a person.”

“She’s not a person.”

“Sure, just like you and me, see? People are people, and she’s just a bad people. Doesn’t make her inhuman. Inhumane maybe.”

“That’s good enough for me.”

“Hmm… me too. More than enough for me. I’m glad we do this thing we do, it’s what I’ve always wanted to do.”

“No it isn’t, you never would have done this if not for…”

“No, I wouldn’t be doing this if it wasn’t for… Frank.”

“Frank?”

“I never told you? His name was Frank, short for Franklin. But he went by Frank.”

“Who did?”

“Good ol’ Frank took away my Margot and my Sarah. Just some guy, his name was Frank.”

“I thought his name was Steve or Stephen or Steph or something.”

“Yep, but his middle name was Frank. He went by Frank.”

I thought that I knew everything about the man who took Mike’s family, but I never knew that he went by Frank. I also didn’t like Mike being on a first name basis with the man who killed his family.

“You know what Will? I’ve always wondered why you weren’t a religious man. You’ve always had faith in people, I’d have thought it would appeal to your sensibilities.” Mike said.

“Me? Nah, it was never me who had faith in people. You were the one who thought the best of everyone.”

“I did?”

“Once upon a time.”

“Hmm… suppose I did, a lifetime ago. I wish that I had a religion, I think it’d be nice.”

“I’m sure we can get you one. I hear most of them recruit.”

“Hmm… I’d like to believe in God so I could hate Him, do you think they’d let me in for that?”

“Probably wouldn’t want to tell them that part.”

“I could blame God, make it all His fault. I could let go of hating my buddy Frank, and could hate God instead. That’d be a comfort, feel like my prayers would hurt His feelings or something.”

“I don’t think you can hurt God’s feelings Mike.”

“No? But I could try, couldn’t I?”

“You could.”

“Yep, maybe I should get a religion. You think it would help?”

“Not really.”

“No? Maybe not then.”

“Probably not.”

“No religion for Mike,” he said. “I don’t think there really is comfort, just a numbing. But at least now I’m the person I’ve always wanted to be… thought I would be.”

I didn’t know what to say to that statement, not really understanding what Mike thought he was. I know that he was something else with Margot, and something more than that with Sarah. While I was thinking of an answer Mike fell asleep, and I could hear his soft snoring. I guess a real update on Sheryl would have to wait till morning.

Part 11

I know, I'm kinda sick of this storyline too. But after 10,000 words you need some kind of conclusion. So I'm plugging along.

“Hey honey, back so soon?” Ella called out from the kitchen when I got home.

“Left a bit early today, nothing much going on. Whatcha doin?”

“Just started dinner, figured you’d be later. Didn’t you have a long lunch with Mike?”

“We had lunch,” I said. “Don’t know that it was overly long.”

“I thought you worked later if you went out to lunch.”

“Yeah, sometimes. But I wasn’t gone that long, we went to the diner just down the street from the office. What’s for dinner?” I asked as I made my way into the kitchen.

“That’s what I’m trying to figure out. Looks like we need to go on a grocery run, all we have is pasta. But we have lots of sauces, unless you want to make one up.”

“Nah, something premade should be fine. Have a good day?”

“Yeah, I think so. Talked to Carol about the maternity ward, and she’s going to look into it for me.”

“Thought you already did that.”

“Well,” she said. “We’ve talked about it but now we’re really talking about it. Now that I’ve been thinking about it I really want to get it.”

“Don’t get too maternal on me now.”

“Sorry, it’s in the genes. How’s Mike?”

“Mike’s Mike.” That’s really the only thing you can ever say about him.

“It’s been a couple days, I thought it’d be a big deal kind of lunch, y’know, with whatever problems you had.” She said.

“Nah,” I said. “No biggie, we moved on.”

“I don’t know how you do that, just get over things.”

“It’s a guy thing Ella, no need to linger. But it was good to talk to him, I wanted to get his advice on the whole kid thing.”

“You did not!”

“Course I did.”

“Why would you do that?” She asked.

“Why what?”

“I don’t want you talking to Mike about that kind of stuff.”

“What do you mean,” and I started laughing. “What kind of stuff?”

“Our stuff, I mean, Mike’s in a bad way and I don’t want that rubbing off on us. He’s not the kind of person you’d go to for that.”

“Mike’s my best friend, he had a family, why wouldn’t I ask him for advice? Who else would I talk to?”

“He had a family Will, he doesn’t have one now. He’s just beat down and angry, that’s not where you go. I can’t believe you’d do that!” She said.

“You’re not making any sense, I told my friend what’s going on with us. That’s what friends do. You keeping this all a secret?”

“Of course not, but I’m not talking to anybody like Mike.”

“Like Mike?”

“Yeah, like Mike. Let me guess, he thinks it’s a terrible idea and now you’re having second thoughts.”

“You know what? Never mind. I’ve got some stuff to finish in the garage.” And I stormed out of the room, didn’t even bother to change out of my work clothes. I haven’t been that furious at Ella in a long time, and never was I so sure that I was in the right about it. But I still felt like a petulant child walking out like that. I went to the garage and started clearing off the worktable, putting all the tools back up on the pegboard. I didn’t really have any pending projects, but had to keep my hands occupied.

I guess I understood where she was coming from, it’s not like I expected Mike to have a positive outlook on anything either. I was expecting him to say something about how it’s a shit world and it’s irresponsible to bring kids into it or something. That or just gloss over the topic because he was obviously unsupportive. I dunno; guess I expected anything other than him being supportive. That’s just not the Mike we’ve known the past couple of years.

If I was worried about his opinion, how could Ella not be? But still, is it okay for her to discount my friend like he’s nothing? And not trust me enough to know that I know better? Hell, it was like she was forbidding me from talking to him. That didn’t seem right no matter how you looked at it. Even if she had been right, and 9 times out of 10 she would have been with Mike. Maybe 99 out of 100. It’s still didn’t seem fair.

I don’t know how long I was in the garage sulking, but I definitely missed dinner. Ella was mad enough not to come get me, so at least we were even. When I got back inside she was sitting on the couch watching some cooking show. I was going to just walk behind the couch to the bathroom and take a shower without saying anything, but I couldn’t resist.

“He said that he thought it was a great idea to start a family. No…what he actually said is that if you say we’re ready that means we’re ready, and that I should do whatever you say.” I started walking again, but when I got to the hallway I stopped. “He also said you’ll make a great mother.”

Old man and the CD

One of the ways I can tell that I'm getting older is because is because I am completely out of touch with the pop music scene. I don't mean that it no longer speaks to me and my generation like it used to or anything like that. To be honest, I'm amazed that anybody identifies with most of the drivel out there. I'm out of touch in that I don't know who anybody is anymore.

I was watching part of the rerun of MTV's Music Video Awards, which I assume were from this past year. I had know idea who to hate, which is an odd feeling. For those of you who know me, you know that being an asshole about these kinds of things is my schtick. Unfortunately, I'm so out of touch that I had know idea who anybody was and consequently don't know who to make fun of or what to make fun of them for. The joy is gone.

It was bound to happen someday, but I just never thought it would be so soon. Maybe I need to start watching more TV...

Philanthropy

I'm going to give the world a free piece of advice, just because I'm a stand up cat.

If you are in traffic, and the car in front of you is right behind the car in front of them... there is no point in tailgating. I know this is difficult to comprehend. But if camp your bumper on my bumper, but there is absolutely nowhere for me to go because I'm surrounded by other cars, there's no way that I'm going to go any faster. Get it? I HAVE NOWHERE ELSE TO GO!

And that's my public service announcement, ya'll have a good day.

Part 10

Once upon I time I actually did proofreading before I posted these things...

Eventually I got ahold of Mike to set up a lunch meeting, but I did wait a couple of days before I called him. He must have known I needed it, because he didn’t call me either. It felt like the whole world rolled over and I was just starting from scratch. Ella knew that it was only a matter of time before I warmed up to the whole baby idea. As soon as I said I’d think about it we both knew what would happen, but I still wanted to wait her out a bit. It was nice to be overwhelmed about a good thing for a change.

I had been sitting in a booth at the restaurant nursing an iced tea for almost ten minutes before Mike showed up. It was one of those places that had a fifties theme, complete with Elvis posters and the fake leather booths. It even had an old style jukebox, or at least one that looked old. I think it was one of those fakes that download songs directly from the internet. I sometimes miss the scratches of old records, it just makes things sound authentic.

“Been waiting long?” Mike asked as he walked over to me.

“Not really, “ I said. Mike isn’t much for greetings and small talk, at least, not anymore. “How’s things?”

“Eh,” he growled. “She hasn’t done much of anything. I’m not tailing her all the time or anything, but everything I’ve seen is way too clean. Mostly just working on the house. No visits to the parks or schools or anything.”

“That’s a good thing.”

“No. This bitch is sick, and I don’t like waiting. But you were right about that the other night; we have to do this the right way. I don’t have to like it.”

“She’ll slip soon enough, they all do.”

“Yeah,” Mike said.

“You think about the other stuff?”

“You think about what I said?”

“More than you know.” I responded.

“Then you’ve talked to Ella.”

“Not exactly, we’ve had other things to talk about.”

“Sure you did, everything alright?”

“Yeah,” I said. “She might be getting off of shift work pretty soon, get a normal schedule.”

“That’s going to be inconvenient for us.”

“But good for her.”

“Both of you, I suppose.” Mike said.

“It’d be nice. She also thinks that I should start going freelance.”

“Can you?” he asked.

“It’s a possibility,” I answered. “It might be a good change for me, don’t know if I can pull it off.”

“You can. It could open up your days a bit too, help me out in daylight sometime.”

“Yeah, maybe. It’ll be good to have a more flexible schedule, especially if we have a kid.”

“Ella’s pregnant?” Mike asked incredulously.

“Wants to be, she’s been putting a little pressure on me the last couple of days… we’re thinking about it.”

“Seriously?”

“It’s a thought.”

“Do it.”

“What?”

“Absolutely, best thing that ever happened to us, having Sarah. I was nervous about it, Margot never was, but I was. I’m telling you, it’s the best feeling in the world. If Ella’s ready then you’re ready.”

“Jesus.”

“What?” he asked.

“Just thought you’d react differently.”

“Why? It’ll be great for you. I don’t know about the whole new job thing and a kid at the same time bit, but that’s your business.”

“She’s excited at the idea.”

“I’ll bet, she’ll be a good mother.”

“I know.” I really had no idea how to continue the conversation. I figured that Mike would be totally against the idea of me having a kid, just like he’s against every other idea I’ve ever had. With the family he lost and how it’s affected him, I was sure he was against the idea of family.

Mike didn’t seem in a hurry to keep the conversation going either, and got engrossed in the menu. It felt a little like old times. Like back when we had lunch to catch up and there was no pressure. Every once in awhile the old Mike came along when you least expected it. Too few and far between, but it was a good feeling all the same.

The waitress came by and we both ordered a burger. I got the mushroom with Swiss, cooked medium rare. Mike got the chili bacon burger, well done. I don’t understand why people continue to ruin a good piece of beef by cooking it to death.

After we ordered I figured that we might as well get into the issues at hand and said, “we’re still going to have to plan out what to do with Sheryl, when she does slip.”

“We’ll do the same thing we did last time. Why would we change anything?”

“Because I’m taking this one, remember?”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea buddy,” Mike said. “Especially if you are serious about this having a kid thing. I’m telling you, that changes things.”

“I don’t see what it changes. We still are going to deal with Sheryl, and I’m still going to be the one dealing with her. I was pretty clear about that.”

“That was then, you’re starting a family now.”

“Maybe.”

“Bullshit Will, if Ella wants a kid you’ll give it to her, and you should. You need to get your head straight and start thinking about protecting your family. I’ll deal with this, same as always.”

“Like hell, nothing’s changed. If I’m going to protect my family, killing Sheryl Bowman seems like a great place to start. The world needs to be protected from the Sheryl Bowmans of the world.” I said.

“First step in protecting your family is to protect you; that’s how you’ll protect your family. If something goes wrong now you can walk away from all this. You’re safe. You do this and you’re in too deep, and it’ll change you.”

“Safe? I’ve been there since step one Mike, there’s no turning back from this.”

“What? So now you want to take one step forward? You’re as deep as you need to go. I’ll take care of Sheryl, which will keep you and your family safe. I’ve got nothing to lose, and you’re getting more and more. Let this one lie.”

“I was serious about this.” I said.

“I know, and I was going to give in. Who am I to tell you what to do with your life, right? I mean, you’ve been there for me all this time. But I’m telling you Will, this is the wrong move for you now, especially now. You have to trust me on this one.”

“I won’t back down, you know I won’t.”

Mike just sat quietly and stared at me as our food arrived. We started eating in silence, which I guess would look normal to the other customers. It didn’t feel quite right though, and I could tell Mike didn’t know what else to say. I’m guessing he was right about trying to talk me out of it. Maybe I’m too stubborn, but I really felt that it was the right thing to do. I mean, I couldn’t let Mike take all the risks and carry the heaviest burden on these things. He was helping everybody by doing the things he was doing. At some point the rest of us have to make sacrifices too.

“Alright,” he said. “But I have one condition, nonnegotiable.”

“No conditions,” I said.
“One.” He said calmly.
“What?”

“You have to swear to me that when it comes down to it, even when it seems like we’re too far it, that you’ll be able to back down. When push comes to shove and you realize that I’m right you let me deal with it. If you never feel that way? Fine. But you can’t have any regrets and do this right. You have to be willing to walk away, you have to be capable of it. You understand?”

“Fine.” I had no idea whether I’d step up or step down when it came to it, but I needed to find out. “You don’t think I can go through with it, do you?”

“Sure Will,” Mike said. “Doing it ain’t hard. It’s the after that I’m worried about.”

Oddities

It’s an odd thing for me to keep writing like this, with these obscure short stories. I don’t mean odd in the “look at that silly little man” kind of way. It’s just a supreme waste of time.

For those of you who’ve known me for a while you’re undoubtedly aware that I have not shown appreciable improvement over the last ten years. It feels better to say “ten years” instead of “decade.” I’ve never really kept up my output to the point where you’d expect improvement, so I’m not complaining. I’ve also never taken advantage of the absurd amount of options available for writers. Never a clinic or a group class. I just write my silly little stories.

I have gotten older in the last ten years, so conceivably I should have more to say than I did when I was younger. The truth is that I actually have much less to say now. In particular I have less to say about myself because I am no longer enamored with my own opinions. You could say that I’ve had the opposite emotional maturation to your typical politician.

I’d like to think that I have a more developed perspective of the world than I once did. I do think that I understand the world better, or better understand what I don’t really know. But I could just as easily have simply become more set in my old ways and no longer know the difference.

I don’t really know why I haven’t shown many signs of improvement. I don’t know why that doesn’t bother me. Odd.

Part of the problem is that I lack the inherent drive and talent necessary to become a successful writer. I’m at least a third of the way through my life (given my lifestyle,) and I’ve gone from the beginning to nowhere in my writing career. Let’s just say it hasn’t been an auspicious beginning. One of my favorite authors wrote his first novel at the tender age of 29. So that’s something.

I’m different from him and you cannot seriously consider the writing I do an art form. I’m not particularly creative. I’m not out to express myself. At best I’m working to express somebody else. If I needed to share my innermost thoughts or feelings I’d just say, “I think…” and be done with it. It’s not what I do or why I do it.

The stories I tell, and I do deeply love stories, are things you’ve heard before. I’m not quite so simple as to tell the boy meets girl, boy gets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl again and they live happily ever after kind of stories. It’s too bad really, since those are the stories most of us like to hear. I don’t generally go for traditional storyline, but I’d probably be better off if I worked in that direction. I seem to be drawn to writing stories where people are pushed into a corner and I’m not sure how to bring them out of it.

It shouldn’t really matter as far as the writing goes. A story is a story and has a beginning, middle, and end. The content shouldn’t overly affect the writing. Granted, I’ve struggled with the end part of the equation. But endings are the most important part to me, which makes them the hardest part. I’m drawn to the darker themes, and unfortunately I’m just not as good at them.

I’m at my best when I’m being observant about life and the events that shape our lives. I’m even better when I’m not trying too hard to be witty, which tends to be a flaw I often indulge. Trying too hard to do anything usually has unfortunate consequences. But I see the world a little differently from most people, and there’s a good chance that I’m making fun of those differences. That’s what makes me me, which is a little bit different from you. If I’m going to ever be truly creative, that’s where it would have to be. It’s the lighter side of life where I excel, when there is some kind of dialogue with a lighthearted repartee.

But there’s nothing funny about the things I’ve been writing about lately. So from the very beginning I abandon my only real strength. It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t know any better. At least then I could claim ignorance.

So it’s all odd, for these reasons and many others. But I keep plugging away and hope to continue strolling along. I don’t know why. Odd, isn’t it?

Part 9

After a couple of minutes quietly drinking our coffee I ended up picking up the paper. It seemed like our little conversation was over so I browsed through the sports section. My head wasn’t really in it, but it gave me something to do. I didn’t want to piss of Ella because of something as stupid as an unsmoked pack of cigarettes.

Eventually Ella spoke up, “I kinda wanted to talk about something today, but I guess it’s probably not the right time.”

“What did you want to talk about?” I asked.

“I don’t want to get into it if you’re in a bad mood already, with the whole Mike thing yesterday.”

“That was last night, it’d be good to get my mind onto something else anyway. Everything okay?”

“Yeah, I was just thinking about some stuff.”

“Kay, what kind of stuff?” I asked.

“Not here,” she said. “Let’s go out for breakfast.”

So we did. We went to a little locally owned diner that was our usual breakfast destination. Going out twice in one week was a bit much for us, but it was a nice change of pace. I ordered the same omelette that I always get, with sundried tomatoes, bacon, and three kinds of cheese topped with avocado slices. I’d be regretting it all day, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it. Ella got a stack of their wheat germ pancakes and a bowl of fresh fruit. Needless to say I’m the one carrying a life insurance policy.

After we had our orders in and got our coffee I couldn’t wait any longer. “So, what’s up?”

“I’ve just been thinking about things. Thought maybe we could talk about some stuff, it just seems like its time.”

At that she went silent and just stared at her coffee. I never know what to do when she gets like this. Sometimes I think I should just give her time to settle down, let her speak at her own pace. Other times I want to talk and try to help her carry the conversation along, so she doesn’t feel like she has to it alone. But the truth is I still can’t figure out what she wants me to do. I know you want to keep some mystery alive in a relationship, but I don’t think this is what they mean.

“I was just thinking that we’re getting older now, and like you said the other day things just seem to be going the right direction,” she said. “And since we seem to have things pretty well under control, y’know, settled pretty good at work. For both of us.”

“We’re finally pretty stable, I guess.”

“Exactly, and things are going well and all. I mean, I’m moving up at work and should have enough seniority to start picking better shifts soon.”

“You gonna get off nights?”

“I might have to change departments, but hopefully. It might be worth it.”

“That sounds great honey. You’ve been wanted a more normal schedule for awhile.”

“Yeah, it could be good. But, well, how’s work been going for you?”

“Same old. Fine. We’ve been keeping busy but it isn’t overwhelming or anything. I could probably go out and drum up some more business, probably should. It’s a living.”

“You were talking about buying out that branch.”

“Sure, but it may not really be worth it. I’d have to separate from all of Ron’s other stuff, and it’d be a whole lot more work. It would probably be more money, but not too much. Plus I’d have to get my own tax guy and insurance and stuff.”

“Would Ron let you go?” Ella asked.

“Doubt he’d really care. He’s been semi-retired for a couple years now, probably walk away completely pretty soon. He’s been thinking about selling out the whole thing.”

“He could have you take over.”

“Could, but I doubt it. He’s got that nephew I told you about working one of the other branches. I’m guessing he’d end up running it if Ron decides to go that route.”

“Would he stop you from leaving?”

“Don’t see how he could. You mean Ron not sell the branch to me because of his nephew?” She nodded. “I s’pose it’s possible, but I’m on pretty could terms with the kid and I don’t think he’d care. It’s not enough of the business to affect their bottom line too much. I dunno, I’ve also been toying with the idea of freelancing.”

“I didn’t know you were thinking about that.”

“Sure, it’s crossed my mind. More lately, but it isn’t like I’ve got any plans laid out or anything. I think I could probably make it work.”

“Could we afford it?” she asked.

“I’d have some clients follow me, but it would probably be tight for awhile. I’d have to work from home, which would be different but should be doable. I mean, I haven’t done the numbers and really looked at it or anything. But I’ve got some ideas that I think could work.”

“That sounds really good, you should run the numbers and see if we could do it.”

“You think? I’ve been playing around with the idea but never mentioned it because it was just an idea, y’know. You really think I should? Is that what you wanted to talk about, work?”

“No,” she said. “Well, kinda I guess. It’s part of it.”

Just then the food arrived. My meal looked a whole lot better than hers, but she’d be feeling better all day long. Pick your demon.

“Well, what did you want to talk about?” I asked as I started attacking my eggs.

While she was pouring syrup on her pancakes she said, “I was thinking about transferring to the maternity ward.”

“Is that where you’ll get the better shifts?”

“Probably not right away, but pretty soon I think.”

“Sounds like it could be good.”

“Yeah, and it’d be nice to have some change. Less death during the day, get to focus on happier things.”

“I’ll bet.”

“And I was also thinking that they treat you really well over there if you’re pregnant. I think it sets some of the patients at ease, they kind of like it if the nurses look like that know what their going through.”

“Makes sense, sure.” I could guess where this was leading.

“And like I said, we’re getting older, so maybe it’s time to start talking about starting a family.”

“I see.” I said.

“You’re not happy.”

“It’s not that, just sorta caught me off guard a little bit.”
“We’ve talked about it before.” She said.

“I know…”

“And you said that you wanted to have kids someday.”

“I know I did, and I do…”

“We’ve been putting it off for awhile now.”

“I know, but…”

“And I don’t know how we can be any more ready if you think about it. Especially if you end up working from home, that could be perfect.”

I smiled, Ella was in full on defensive mode and there was no way I was going to get her off point. I know this tone all too well.

Truth is I wasn’t sure that I wanted to talk her down, it just was so far from my mind with all the other stuff going on. I didn’t feel ready to start having kids, I mean, how could I be a father? But I don’t think I’ll ever really feel ready, or any more ready. So I asked.

“Do you really think we’re ready?”

“I’m ready.” She said.

“And you’re sure? It’s a big step, it’s a goddamn leap.”

“I’m positive,” and she sounded it.

“But how can you know?”

“I just do, it feels right. I don’t know how to describe it, I just feel maternal, and ready. I just know it’s the right time.”

I mulled that around a bit and kept eating.

“What are you thinking?” she asked. My silence was making her nervous.

“Do you think I’m ready?” I asked.

“You’ll make a great daddy.”

“I don’t know about that.”

“I do.”

“I just keep thinking I’d spend the whole time trying not to be my parents.”

“I wonder about that too, cause I don’t want to be like my mom. I think that I can do better, like learn from her mistakes. And hopefully I can do the things she did well just as good, and do the things she didn’t do right the right way. I don’t know, but I still know it’s time to try.”

“I don’t know that I’m really ready, but I don’t know that you can ever be really ready.”

“We can be prepared, and I think we are. As well as you can be, at least. We can do this.” And her eyes looked almost pleading.

“I know you can, and I’ll just have to try not to fuck it all up.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“Oh, I just might.”

“So you think, y’know, maybe…” and she started smiling.

“I think that we need to think about it. But not like in theory, but really think about it for now. I just need to get my head around it. Honestly, you got me flat-footed here. You’ve been thinking about this for awhile now, haven’t you?”

“It’s been on my mind.”

“Y’know, you could have eased me into it a bit.”

“I am easing you in. It’s just sort of hit me real hard recently, I really want a baby, Will.”

“Just give me a couple of days to figure it out, it’s a big deal. I’m not stalling, I just need to think.”

“That’s all I’m asking.”

“You’ll make a great mother.”

She smiled. “You’ll be a great daddy, just wait and see.”