100th Post

This is my 100^th blog post. That’s right, number one-oh-hundred. So I thought about writing about something important, or to help bring perspective on some of the better posts. Instead I just decided to write about things that piss me off, because the best way to sum up me is to listen to me pissed off. It’s my best face. So, in no particular order:

· People who make their religion all fuzzy and friendly. Look, if you’re trying to convert people by talking about love and forgiveness, but neglect to mention the jealousy and wrath… that’s just dishonest salesmanship. Be fair, lay it all out.

· When people consider their online interactions as a social life. If you’re socially inept, just live your life in a bottle like a man.

· When people who have been to therapy think they are therapists. Look, therapy is about introspection, so if you think that your treatment means that you understand everybody else better, you’re doing it wrong.

· The California Highway Patrol douchenozzles. If you want to help people, become a cop or sheriff or fire fighter or join animal control or whatever. But the only reason to dedicate your life to traffic enforcement is because you are an asshole and want a gun.

· The phrase “illegal war.” Wars aren’t “legal” or “illegal.” They fall outside of a legal framework, so they would be extra-legal. International law doesn’t exist, because it’s completely unenforceable. The least you can do is make your bitching logical.

· People who speak as authorities in topics they know nothing about. You can’t talk about how dangerous guns are if you’ve never seen one in person. You can’t judge me for smoking if you’ve never tried it. You can have an opinion, but don’t pretend to know anything. We can tell, really.

· Tighty-whities. Eh, personal preference; shouldn’t need an explanation.

· Spam emails. Who the hell is “EJ”? Because I’m getting all of his work from home and cheap prescription medication emails.

· Boston Red Sox fans. Shut up already.

· Yankees Fans. Ditto.

· The celebrity media machine. I don’t like knowing that Lindsay Lohan is in rehab, because I really don’t care. I don’t even know how I know, that’s how inundated I am with this information.

· Entertainment oriented political television. As much fun as it is to argue politics with idiots, it’s never interesting to listen to three people argue without ever having one of them complete a full sentence without being interrupted.

· Squash. The vegetable, not the game. You can get past the terrible taste and still have to deal with the texture. I’d rather have escargot.

· Whining. See: Red Sox, Boston

· Treehuggers. You love the environment? Fine. You feel like constantly lecturing me on the environment? Sure, but you should know that I believe in mercy killing. And it’ll be a mercy if it shuts you up.

· Sobriety. Seriously, life is boring.

· Anytime parents talk to you about their kids as if everything they do is miraculous. Babies aren’t cute, they’re awkwardly goofy. Children are stupid. Just hope they grow out of it.

· Little boys and girls who are adults. The inner child is supposed to be on the inside, stay away from Forever 21.

· Cougars. Just kidding, now buy me a drink.

· People who talk in text speech. Writing “lol” is bad enough, saying it is damn near unforgivable.

· Politicians. They aren’t even good liars anymore. I miss being disillusioned.

· Reality television. Is there anything less real than reality television? Everybody loses with reality television, everybody.

· Vampires that glisten. You can throw werewolves that fall in love with infants. The hell is wrong with you people?

· Tall women. Yes, I’m shallow and easily intimidated.

· Tall men. Screw you.

· Diet anything. Soda, crackers, bread, water, whatever… Here’s how a diet works, you just eat less. But no, you’d rather eat the entire bag of “diet” cookies. Triple the portions, should work fine. Good job.

· Madonna. Two reasons. One, bitch got creepy looking. Two, the term Madonna represents the faux singer, instead of what it’s supposed to mean.

· Child bikinis. I’ve been over this before. Let’s avoid tempting the pedophiles, shall we?

· Tourists. If you live in a tourist town, you hate tourists. And parades.

· Metrosexuals. Stop giving women the wrong expectations. Is that eyeliner?

· Cyclists who think that mankind’s laws supercede the laws of physics. Get. Out. Of. My. Way.

· The Dow Jones Industrial Average. How many of the people who watch the Dow daily actually know what’s in it? If you don’t, feel free not to complain about it to me.

· People who think they have me all figured out. It’s not a self-righteous “nobody can understand me” sentiment either. If you think you know me that well, you don’t know me at all.

· Handwriting. I haven’t used cursive since elementary school, what an incredible waste of my squandered youth.

· The designated hitter. I’m trying to avoid the sports references, but this is important. If the guy can throw the ball, he can swing the bat.

· Yacht Clubs. Do you have to check off “willing to be a dick” on the application?

· People with high self-esteem. You’re just too hard to take advantage of.

· People who think being comfortable with your body is an excuse for letting yourself go. A good personality doesn’t make you pretty, sorry.

· Homosexuals who are convinced that everybody else is in the closet. Go be gay, whatever Most of us don’t swing that way, but we’ll take care of the preservation of the species for you. Were you the kids who tried to hammer the square peg in the triangle hole?

· People who look for ways to be offended. Seriously? Not enough normal shitty in your life, just have to look for more?

Look, I’m not an angry bitter person consumed by the things I hate. But don’t do any of these things around me. I mean it.

Vodka

On this list of things that should never be, flavored vodka is on the first page. It’s pretty ridiculous. I mean, the whole point to vodka is that you can put it into anything and have a “vodka X” that’s delicious. That and your boss/wife/slave owner can’t smell it on your breath.

What’s the most common one, orange flavored vodka? You could do that, or put your regular vodka into orange juice. Sure could, it’s a brand new drink called a “screwdriver.” I wonder what kind of genius came up with that. And that goes for all the fruit flavors. If you can find a juice for the flavor, you can just add vodka and viola! It’s a miracle! No need to buy an extra bottle of weakened vodka! Raspberry! Strawberry! Myrtle Berry! Peach! Regret! (tastes like copper)

The only one that almost makes sense is vanilla, since most people don’t have vanilla beans lying around. Vanilla extract isn’t so bad, but you have to be really careful with that stuff. But you don’t really need a vanilla vodka, do you? You don’t want to drink an ice cream flavored alcohol, it’s pedophilic.

Look, vodka is the equalizer of liquors, so vaginafying it with flavors is morally repugnant. Whiskey is a male drink. Rum is a female drink. And don’t think I’m being sexist either, it’s more of a language thing. Think of how “table” is feminine in Spanish, it’s not a testament to any kind of real sexuality. But vodka (and to a lesser degree gin) are androgynous liquors, so removing them from our repertoire is unfair. We need our unifying spirits. I mean really, it’s not like us drunks ask for all that much.

I understand that people want weak drinks. It’s like the people who add coffee to their milk and sugar. It’s idiotic, but hey, at least you almost look like an adult. But there’s no reason to take my vodka away from me, we can already make sissy drinks out of it! This is an unnecessary and wasteful product, and I’m taking a moral stand against the whole “flavored liquor*” movement.

* I’m giving a pass to liqueurs, since that’s what they were made for.

Omnivores

I don’t like vegetarianism, or for the most part vegetarians. And I’m morally opposed to vegans. Let’s be serious here, there is nothing you can eat that doesn’t involve death. It’s the reprocessing of organic material. Nothing survives your gastric juices. Not carrots or dogs or hopes and dreams. Hell, if you swallow a penny it ain’t coming out pretty.

The way I figure, there are only a couple reasons not to eat meat. First is the idea that you don’t want to kill any animals because of some idiotic moral notion. The continuous breeding and slaughter of corn notwithstanding, shut the hell up. You may not hear your carrots screaming as your rip through their bodies, but everytime they get pulled from the earth they start to wither and die. What about sunflower seeds? You’re eating babies people! Babies! Think about that next time you judge my gratuitous cut of delicious cow.

And vegans, goddamn you. No animal products? Here’s what you get when you refuse to use dairy products: cows with sore udders. Congratulations for the extra suffering of an entire species! Generations of heifers are being turned into belts so you can feel better about your sad sickly body. On top of that you look like cancer patients and smell like cadavers. Great trade, I’m proud of you.

The only other reason I hear is that people don’t like to eat meat for “health reasons.” Health reasons! So you go on a ridiculous search for the proper mix of beans and weeds to poorly mimic complex proteins. Apparently it also damages your olfactory senses you methane producing herbivores. You go through all that wasted effort and I’ll go eat some bacon. Greasy, fatty, delicious swine. And I’m going to pretend that my bacon came from some prized family pet with puppy dog eyes and a name. Why? Because that way precious porky’s life ended with a purpose. If only we could all be so lucky.

This whole vegetarian/vegan lifestyle is an insult to the evolution of our species. Next time you go to the dentist ask them which of your teeth are designed for the tearing of flesh. Nice, juicy, bloody flesh of the innocent. Then go and find a stupid goat or something and have a nice game of compare and contrast. Have some self-respect people. “Omnivore” is a scientific definition, not a lifestyle choice.

Now some people may find my position a wee bit offensive, maybe a bit over the top. People get to make their own life decisions, and who am I to judge them? I’m not retarded, that’s who I am. I’m not going to lobby for the government to require sirloin quotas or anything. But that doesn’t mean you aren’t an idiot.

Chemistry

I recently watched a television show with the commentary of two lead actors and the producer/writer. I’m sure you’ve seen this option in special features for shows and movies. It’s where they show the film and the filmmakers talk about the story or tell anecdotes about production. It’s the classic special feature that studios throw in for viewers to ignore. And I rarely have the patience for them, but for some reason popped one in. I had just viewed the episode, and thought I’d listen to the commentary while doing some cleaning, just for background.

Something odd struck me. Odd, because it’s something I’ve heard a thousand times but never really considered. It’s the idea of chemistry. The actors were talking about how they had just clicked, even during the audition period and how important that was to the success of the show. We most often hear the term “chemistry” when dealing with romantic leads, but it really is much broader. The hero must have chemistry with the villain, supporting characters with each other, the production and editors, etc. Every relationship in some ways relies on chemistry, since it helps the flow of communication.

What struck me about people having “chemistry” is how rarely I experience it. There are certain people I have an easier air with, because we simply understand each other. But for the most part my relationships require a more conscious effort. I’m far from inept, but I’m not exactly a social butterfly either. I can communicate with just about anybody; it’s how I make my living. However, it is an effort on my part to make it happen.

I wonder what it would be like to be on a team with chemistry, such as those actors on the stage. A group of musicians jamming on stage or a team of athletes in motion may feel the same way. Or even a single personal relationship, where talking is almost unnecessary because you already know…

It’s hard to say what would happen, or if I could even pull off that kind of thing. Relationships work when you work at them. Actors at rehearsal, musicians and athletes when the practice, there is always work to be done. So whether that chemistry is natural or earned (my bet is both,) I’ll be it can be spectacular. I’m just not sure if it’s something for me.

I love pasta

1) It's really quick, just boil some water and drop it in.

2) If you're thinking that the topping is the hard part, stop thinking so much and just pour on some olive oil. If you want to get real fancy use garlic olive oil. Then find out what heaven would taste like.

3) If you have a date coming over for dinner and you're running late, and guys are always running late, just don't cook it all the way and say it's al dente. Y'know, just like the Italians do it. If she's letting you cook she's obviously dumb enough to believe you.

4) It's overly filling. I'm an American, I like to over-indulge, it's what we do best.

bon appetit

Can I hold your hand?

Do you ever think about touching? Physical contact is really an important part of human interaction. There are social, physical, and emotional aspects to contact. I wonder how often people actually consider the nature of touching, and how it affects their lives.

One of the reasons babies tend to be closer to their mothers, and adults as well I suppose, is because of the physical connection made during breastfeeding. Men in Arab nations often hold hands as a sign of friendship, with absolutely no sexual reference. Yet here in the States, holding hands has a much different connotation. Though even that’s not so simple, because spouses holding hands has a completely different meaning than a child holding their parent’s hand.

I suppose much of our physical contact is so ingrained in us from childhood that it’s hardly worth noting, though I believe you can learn a lot from people’s physical contact. You can get a sense of how close a couple is by how close they stand next to each other. Brushing someone’s hair over their ears is a pretty clear sign of comfort. When I’m talking about touching I’m really not referring to sexual contact, though that is obviously an important aspect. I don’t really want to delve into that issue because the ramifications are fairly obvious. I’m really more interested in the mental aspects of contact, and the connections we make.

I want you to try something with me. Take your thumb on your right hand and touch each of your fingertips in turn. One, two, three, four… one, two, three, four… one, two, three, four. What do you feel? The tips touching, right? Obvious. Thank you blogger for stating the obvious.

Now I want you to watch the top of your hand as you lower and raise each of your fingers in turn about ¾ of an inch. One, two, three, four… one, two, three, four… one, two, three, four. As you watch your fingers move, see the bones and ligaments moving under the skin. Can you feel as your veins move around the structure of your bones? I’ll bet you didn’t feel any of that motion in our first test, because you weren’t watching or thinking about it. And this is despite the fact that the actual motion is much smaller.

Our senses involve so much more than our conscious mind considers, and this is really by necessity. It’s like the email we’ve all received where a paragraph is written with no vowels, yet you can read the lines easily. We process and filter information at a much more complex level than we actively notice. Physical contact is very much the same; we process only what seems necessary. But that doesn’t mean that the things you aren’t focusing on aren’t happening, or that they don’t matter.

You should think about the contact you make with other people. Men in my culture don’t touch. Life long friends may shake hands, or at best hug each other with as little of their bodies touching as physically possible. The man hug is a hilariously awkward motion if you think about it. Yet two women will hold hands, or when sitting next to each other actually touch at the hips without any qualms. This type of touching is important in how we relate to each other, both in our natural development and emotional connection.

I’m not saying that I want to start holding people’s hands, because that’s far from what I mean. In fact, I’m not a big fan of touching other people. I’d rather have my personal space, because this is the social and personal sphere I’m comfortable with. If we’re sitting in a booth at a restaurant, do not move closer to me because of this conversation. But I do think the amount of touching people do is important. You can tell someone who was never held as a child, they interact with the world in a more distant way. These signs tell you a lot about a person.

There are lots of little things you can tell by physical signs. A person sitting with their legs crossed at the ankles is probably nervous. Don’t believe me? Pay attention to people sitting in a dentist’s chair next time you have an appointment. And they aren’t even touching anybody else.

If you’re a bolder man than I am, next time you are meeting a new girl go through the two tests we did earlier. And then take their hands by the fingertips to front knuckle (preferably with permission,) and look into their eyes while talking about how this is a far more intimate form of touching than a handshake. And this is despite having less than half of the actual physical contact. See how they react, ask if they agree, see if they hold your gaze (don’t stare creepily if you can.) Before you let go of their hands give their fingers a light squeeze, and see if they squeeze back. If they do, you’ve made a connection.

What does it mean? As likely as not nothing, but if they don’t respond it is a definite sign. Ever notice how a couple will hold hands and occasionally give a light squeeze, and the other person responds back. It’s almost a clutching, though momentary. An acceptance or ownership, if you will. It’s not something people do unless they have a more intimate connection. Don’t read too much into it, reading the physical signs is only part of an interaction. Cadence and tone are more important than words, but that doesn’t mean you can ignore what people are saying because you’re too involved with how they say it.

There are psychological studies about these things, as well as the whole pheromone levels and all that other nonsense. You’ll notice that I haven’t cited any of that info, nor will I clam to have actually researched any of this. Why not? Because it’s a frickin blog people, I don’t need to justify anything.

Regardless of my lack of evidence, I still find it to be an interesting thing to consider. What do you think?

Children

A questions has come up lately, Lord knows why, about how bad a parent I would be. I suppose I'm in that age group, and many people around me are contemplating that particular mistake. The reason doesn't really matter, but there appears to be a wide variety of opinions about me.

The first notion, which is my favorite, is that I should under no circumstances ever procreate and pollute the earth. I'm not sure if this is a gene issue, or the simple fact that I'll make a terrifically bad father. I'm really hoping for the latter, but perhaps it's a combination. Someone once told me that I should never have kids because I'd "kill them." Which seemed hyperbolic at the time, but was a valid opinion all the same. I'm not a particularly patient man, and I find all things "cute" annoying. I hate words like "potty," "binky," "barney," "dora," etc.. I talk to children in the same manner as I do adults (which may say more about adults than children.) And finally, kids are scared of me.

There is another contingent that wonder why I don't have children now, because I'd make a fantabulous parent. There really is very little logic to this point of view. I'm not scared of babies or lost on the geometry of a diaper. I'm not a fan of rug rats, but when push comes to shove I can certainly deal with them. But these people think I'd be wonderful, which is complete bull. Children in small doses are fine, you can have fun, but you don't want to wake up in the morning with them. I think most of the people who think I'd be a great parent believe that I'm who they want me to be, rather than who I am. Or make the mistake all women make when thinking about men, focus on potential.

The third group is probably the most accurate, because they don't think I'd make a great parent by any means, but with all the shite parents out there I'd be fine. This is a reasonable point of view, because at least I'd hold to some kind of discipline (read: yelling and beating without bruising.) I see kids carrying they parents by the collar, and it's pretty disgusting. I also never kicked my dog, so that's good training. So should I have kids? Probably not. But would it be the worst thing that can happen to mankind? Unlikely.

I like the first viewpoint, dislike the second, and agree with the third. Conclusion? Better not but whatever happens happens. I suppose my fear would be that of every parent, you'd try so hard not to make the mistakes your parents' did that you'd make plenty of your own.