Fixing "The Sexy"

      What’s the deal with married women wanting to fix me?  I mean, I would understand if the single ladies want to spruce me up to get some more sexiness into their lives.  But that’s pretty uncommon, oddly.  The only thing these women have in common is being married.  Some are happy-ish marriages (my highest compliment,) others unhappy-ish (the mean.)  Some are young wives, some are a bit older.  But for some reason married women have this absurd compulsion to fix me.

        Perhaps the oddest of the oddities is that there really isn’t that much wrong with me.  Relative to the population I’m actually only moderately maladjusted.  I’m certainly not some puppy at their laps looking for attention.  You would think that they were still trying to fix their husbands.  I thought that was ⅔ of the reason to get married, so he can’t get away while you work.

        Before the XX’s get mad at me, yes, women have this odd compulsion to fix their man.  Everyone knows that single women look to the formula:  (Asshole Quotient)2 + (Fixability Ratio) + (Finances) + (Vanity) - (Daddy Issues)3 = Datability/Marriage Material.  This is fine, illogical and idiotic, but fine.  It’s the fact that women who are not pursuing the sexy are still trying to fix me.  I mean, damn it.

There are a few techniques out there, but I think my favorite is : You’re really not like you are.  Now, I’m no grammarian, but that just seems off to me.  In my fruitless queries, I’ve learned that the fact that I act a certain way (and have always acted that way) is nonetheless irrelevant to the person I actually am.  Let me give you a different context for an example.  If I wore t-shirts everyday, and said that I like wearing t-shirts, you can disregard my history to say that really deep down I’m a button up kind of cat.  It’s the estrogen version of “if it walks like a duck...” i.e. the exact opposite.  I just have to find someone/something special and it’ll turn me all around.  Apparently my personality is just play-acting and doesn’t count.  And if that’s the case, I’m not going to apologize about anything anymore because my whole life is apparently a trial run.  I like that part.

There’s no moral to this story because, well, it’s not really a story.  You should have noticed that the lack of characters and plot points usually indicates no story.  But by all means wives of the world, feel free to plot my ascension.  Just leave me out of it.

And people wonder why I’m single.