Oh yesh

When you're sitting around with your feet on your desk reading a book after an uninspiring yet filling dinner, you have to examine your situation. You suck on your teeth, again thinking about the uninspiring dinner and mutter to yourself, "oh yes, that would be quite nice." That's when you grab a glass and some whiskey stones and pour a nice golden scotch to start your next chapter.

In the end, you have to think about your evening, and only one possible word should float in your head.

"Wunderbar"

I don't have my shit together

Well, no, that’s not an entirely true statement. To be fair, you need a basis of comparison to make that kind of call. Do I have my shit together better than you do? More than likely. For better or worse I am one of the more stable people I know. Can’t say if that’s a good thing about me or a poor commentary on the rest of ya’ll.

I’ve recently been told that more people should be like me, because I have my shit together. It got me thinking, because I’ve never really thought of myself as having it all together. Look, I’m never in a state of panic, or feel like my entire world is falling apart either. I just take life day by day and do what I do. I’m rarely overextended and can deliver on most of my promises. It’s certainly not because I’m some sort of amazing person either. More than anything it’s a testament to the fact that I rarely try all that hard to do anything. Lack of effort equals lack of disappointment.

After some ponderance I came to the conclusion that it makes more sense to say that I know how to handle my shit rather than that I have it together. But that may be semantics; I’m not exactly sure how other people define their “shit.” Nor do I understand why the slang for fecal matter represents someone’s “business” or “life.”

In the end I think the sentiment has little to do with how well my life is going or how I handle things, but everything to do with how I talk about my life. Or more accurately, how little I talk about my life. My problems are my problems, my successes are my successes, and my faults are not your fault. That’s a big one right there. The incessant whiny rabble that occupies the bulk of my listening day stems from the blame game.

People seem to want to share their problems with everyone they meet. I suppose they want us to understand what’s happened to them and realize that it really isn’t their fault. It’s a fairly logical way to go, and very occasionally it’s even correct. But the problem is that I just don’t care, and I mean at all. It goes both ways too, I don’t care what caused your problems, but I also don’t really care what causes mine. The reasons behind a problem have almost nothing to do with the solution. It may be person X’s fault, but I’m still the guy that has to fix it.

So maybe I have my fecal matter together, and maybe I don’t. Either way you’ll never really know, because it’s none of your business. And feel free to think your feces are none of mine business either.

Ball Busting Explained

I’m going to get into the ball busting part in a second here, because as we all know it’s a vitally important subject. But let’s set ourselves up with a couple ground rules, shall we? I’m talking about when men talk to other men. Not boys. Not males. Men. The teasing of children is a whole different type of communication that helps prepare them for the future and teaches them how to deal with the other asshole kids. I know you hate to hear it, but kids are mean little buggers. Also, while men will sometimes pick on women in jest, this can never be considered ball busting because of the presence of a vagina. Them’s the rules by category. Men = ball busting. Pre-pubescent = ball busting in training. Vagina = I don’t know the vaginal rules, give me a break.

There is a lot of confusion on ball busting, and there seems to be more now that non-manly men (poof or otherwise) are getting so much social support. Listen ladies, the way ya’ll communicate is vastly different from men, and frankly often completely incomprehensible. But before you give me a hard time about the ball busting phenomena let me just mention that the most brutally vindictive and vilest statements I have ever heard have all come from women. And generally about their own best friends. Explain that one.

Let’s dive in class. In male interaction teasing is a sign of friendship or companionability. It’s a shared game of give and take that keeps everyone on a reasonably level playing field. Swear words can become terms of endearment or even nicknames. When I called a friend a “poor bastard” at his wedding nobody felt insulted in any way. I was simply joining in the group mourning cycle that was to become the rest of his life.

Let me give you an example of a conversation starter. If I preface a verbal interaction by calling someone an ignorant-obese-oedipaling-child born out of wedlock, what kind of conversation are we likely to have? If you guessed an upbeat and companionable one, you win nothing. Because being right generally brings nothing but frustration. What you have to try and understand here is that an insult among friends is proof of said friendship. I couldn’t start a conversation with some random person or an enemy in this fashion; that would be completely inappropriate. But if we have a positive relationship we can talk to each other in this way with no consequences. It’s something that friends share with each other but not with other people. If you’re one of those poor saps that are obsessed with idiotic labels, you could refer to it as bonding.

That’s the general conversational context of ball busting. You may wonder about more specific comments that seem more precise and mean spirited. Let’s have a PG list:

· Fat

· Bald

· Stupid

· Ugly

· Poor

· Short

· Tall

· Weak

You may not like this list because it targets people’s insecurities. Well screw you insecure people. But don’t worry; I can also make fun of people for being:

· Smart

· Pretty

· Successful

· Lucky

· Spoiled

· Athletic

· Rich

It really doesn’t matter what the topic is, or whether you’re confident or not. A real man can embarrass you in any situation, and for any reason (or without a reason.) Hell, it doesn’t even have to be anything real. I was nicknamed crybaby (in Spanish) for a year because I bitched somebody out as a joke. Everyone knew it was a joke and that I wasn’t complaining, but the name stuck. Why? Because it pissed me off, that’s why. And touché, that’s what a good comeback is all about.

So if you do something stupid, your boys will make sure to make light of the situation. If you do something that you are really proud of, we’ll cut you back down to size. It balances out, strengths and weaknesses, all fair game. Arrogance is met by jeering. So is meekness. Wealth? Poverty? Jeers. Guys are consistent if nothing else. Expect jeering.

Admittedly there are a variety of consequences to this practice that you should keep in mind. When two men are overly polite to each other you can assume they don’t like each other. There are obvious exceptions when it is a father-in-law or a work superior. Though if booze is involved we all settle down to a level playing field. Also, this can occasionally get out of hand, and feelings will get hurt. Some people are better at ball busting than others, so the inequities can cause problems. It’s usually not a big deal, though those with mangina’s tend to complain about it. But you’re going to have to just get over it, because it will only make it worse to cry about it. You can add whining to the above list if you’d like.

Ball busting is a game, and as any guy can tell you we get competitive. And I mean about everything. This is a competitive sport like any other, maybe even more so than most. When a group of guys get together it’s a free for all, and we team up on one another. When a woman is involved we try to one up each other. And don’t even get started, we know that you aren’t impressed, that’s not the point. It’s far more important for me to tear the other guy down than it is to impress the gal. Seem silly and juvenile? So be it. As I said earlier, them’s the rules. I don’t make them, just live by them. And it’s entertaining. What else do you expect us to talk about? Us weekly and People magazine?

There are certainly rules of decorum and limitations on how far it is prudent to take the ball busting. I’m not going to get into specifics because it’s like urinal rules, if you aren’t born with them you can never understand.

I do hope that this sheds a little light on a highly misunderstood necessity of manly existence. I’m not trying to justify or convince, just telling you how it works. And ladies, if you think that the man in your life is nice and mild mannered because he’s matured beyond the juvenile games, think again. Age and maturity have nothing to do with it. They probably never fit in with the guys and never will. More often than not it’s their own damn fault. Enjoy watching Dancing with the Stars together.

For Crying Outloud.

You know what? I think that you should dress your age.

That's right, I'm sorry grandma, you may be foxy at the rest home but out in public the miniskirt is not helping your cause. I'm sure Patsy Cline had nothing on you in your day, but once upon a time and happily ever after it's not. Let me put it this way, kids who are 21 are too old to be shopping at forever 21. The hell you think you're doing?

These are not the types of things I want to see when I walk down the street anymore. So let's just stop. I'm just going to assume you're all in agreement.