Part 11

I know, I'm kinda sick of this storyline too. But after 10,000 words you need some kind of conclusion. So I'm plugging along.

“Hey honey, back so soon?” Ella called out from the kitchen when I got home.

“Left a bit early today, nothing much going on. Whatcha doin?”

“Just started dinner, figured you’d be later. Didn’t you have a long lunch with Mike?”

“We had lunch,” I said. “Don’t know that it was overly long.”

“I thought you worked later if you went out to lunch.”

“Yeah, sometimes. But I wasn’t gone that long, we went to the diner just down the street from the office. What’s for dinner?” I asked as I made my way into the kitchen.

“That’s what I’m trying to figure out. Looks like we need to go on a grocery run, all we have is pasta. But we have lots of sauces, unless you want to make one up.”

“Nah, something premade should be fine. Have a good day?”

“Yeah, I think so. Talked to Carol about the maternity ward, and she’s going to look into it for me.”

“Thought you already did that.”

“Well,” she said. “We’ve talked about it but now we’re really talking about it. Now that I’ve been thinking about it I really want to get it.”

“Don’t get too maternal on me now.”

“Sorry, it’s in the genes. How’s Mike?”

“Mike’s Mike.” That’s really the only thing you can ever say about him.

“It’s been a couple days, I thought it’d be a big deal kind of lunch, y’know, with whatever problems you had.” She said.

“Nah,” I said. “No biggie, we moved on.”

“I don’t know how you do that, just get over things.”

“It’s a guy thing Ella, no need to linger. But it was good to talk to him, I wanted to get his advice on the whole kid thing.”

“You did not!”

“Course I did.”

“Why would you do that?” She asked.

“Why what?”

“I don’t want you talking to Mike about that kind of stuff.”

“What do you mean,” and I started laughing. “What kind of stuff?”

“Our stuff, I mean, Mike’s in a bad way and I don’t want that rubbing off on us. He’s not the kind of person you’d go to for that.”

“Mike’s my best friend, he had a family, why wouldn’t I ask him for advice? Who else would I talk to?”

“He had a family Will, he doesn’t have one now. He’s just beat down and angry, that’s not where you go. I can’t believe you’d do that!” She said.

“You’re not making any sense, I told my friend what’s going on with us. That’s what friends do. You keeping this all a secret?”

“Of course not, but I’m not talking to anybody like Mike.”

“Like Mike?”

“Yeah, like Mike. Let me guess, he thinks it’s a terrible idea and now you’re having second thoughts.”

“You know what? Never mind. I’ve got some stuff to finish in the garage.” And I stormed out of the room, didn’t even bother to change out of my work clothes. I haven’t been that furious at Ella in a long time, and never was I so sure that I was in the right about it. But I still felt like a petulant child walking out like that. I went to the garage and started clearing off the worktable, putting all the tools back up on the pegboard. I didn’t really have any pending projects, but had to keep my hands occupied.

I guess I understood where she was coming from, it’s not like I expected Mike to have a positive outlook on anything either. I was expecting him to say something about how it’s a shit world and it’s irresponsible to bring kids into it or something. That or just gloss over the topic because he was obviously unsupportive. I dunno; guess I expected anything other than him being supportive. That’s just not the Mike we’ve known the past couple of years.

If I was worried about his opinion, how could Ella not be? But still, is it okay for her to discount my friend like he’s nothing? And not trust me enough to know that I know better? Hell, it was like she was forbidding me from talking to him. That didn’t seem right no matter how you looked at it. Even if she had been right, and 9 times out of 10 she would have been with Mike. Maybe 99 out of 100. It’s still didn’t seem fair.

I don’t know how long I was in the garage sulking, but I definitely missed dinner. Ella was mad enough not to come get me, so at least we were even. When I got back inside she was sitting on the couch watching some cooking show. I was going to just walk behind the couch to the bathroom and take a shower without saying anything, but I couldn’t resist.

“He said that he thought it was a great idea to start a family. No…what he actually said is that if you say we’re ready that means we’re ready, and that I should do whatever you say.” I started walking again, but when I got to the hallway I stopped. “He also said you’ll make a great mother.”

Old man and the CD

One of the ways I can tell that I'm getting older is because is because I am completely out of touch with the pop music scene. I don't mean that it no longer speaks to me and my generation like it used to or anything like that. To be honest, I'm amazed that anybody identifies with most of the drivel out there. I'm out of touch in that I don't know who anybody is anymore.

I was watching part of the rerun of MTV's Music Video Awards, which I assume were from this past year. I had know idea who to hate, which is an odd feeling. For those of you who know me, you know that being an asshole about these kinds of things is my schtick. Unfortunately, I'm so out of touch that I had know idea who anybody was and consequently don't know who to make fun of or what to make fun of them for. The joy is gone.

It was bound to happen someday, but I just never thought it would be so soon. Maybe I need to start watching more TV...

Philanthropy

I'm going to give the world a free piece of advice, just because I'm a stand up cat.

If you are in traffic, and the car in front of you is right behind the car in front of them... there is no point in tailgating. I know this is difficult to comprehend. But if camp your bumper on my bumper, but there is absolutely nowhere for me to go because I'm surrounded by other cars, there's no way that I'm going to go any faster. Get it? I HAVE NOWHERE ELSE TO GO!

And that's my public service announcement, ya'll have a good day.

Part 10

Once upon I time I actually did proofreading before I posted these things...

Eventually I got ahold of Mike to set up a lunch meeting, but I did wait a couple of days before I called him. He must have known I needed it, because he didn’t call me either. It felt like the whole world rolled over and I was just starting from scratch. Ella knew that it was only a matter of time before I warmed up to the whole baby idea. As soon as I said I’d think about it we both knew what would happen, but I still wanted to wait her out a bit. It was nice to be overwhelmed about a good thing for a change.

I had been sitting in a booth at the restaurant nursing an iced tea for almost ten minutes before Mike showed up. It was one of those places that had a fifties theme, complete with Elvis posters and the fake leather booths. It even had an old style jukebox, or at least one that looked old. I think it was one of those fakes that download songs directly from the internet. I sometimes miss the scratches of old records, it just makes things sound authentic.

“Been waiting long?” Mike asked as he walked over to me.

“Not really, “ I said. Mike isn’t much for greetings and small talk, at least, not anymore. “How’s things?”

“Eh,” he growled. “She hasn’t done much of anything. I’m not tailing her all the time or anything, but everything I’ve seen is way too clean. Mostly just working on the house. No visits to the parks or schools or anything.”

“That’s a good thing.”

“No. This bitch is sick, and I don’t like waiting. But you were right about that the other night; we have to do this the right way. I don’t have to like it.”

“She’ll slip soon enough, they all do.”

“Yeah,” Mike said.

“You think about the other stuff?”

“You think about what I said?”

“More than you know.” I responded.

“Then you’ve talked to Ella.”

“Not exactly, we’ve had other things to talk about.”

“Sure you did, everything alright?”

“Yeah,” I said. “She might be getting off of shift work pretty soon, get a normal schedule.”

“That’s going to be inconvenient for us.”

“But good for her.”

“Both of you, I suppose.” Mike said.

“It’d be nice. She also thinks that I should start going freelance.”

“Can you?” he asked.

“It’s a possibility,” I answered. “It might be a good change for me, don’t know if I can pull it off.”

“You can. It could open up your days a bit too, help me out in daylight sometime.”

“Yeah, maybe. It’ll be good to have a more flexible schedule, especially if we have a kid.”

“Ella’s pregnant?” Mike asked incredulously.

“Wants to be, she’s been putting a little pressure on me the last couple of days… we’re thinking about it.”

“Seriously?”

“It’s a thought.”

“Do it.”

“What?”

“Absolutely, best thing that ever happened to us, having Sarah. I was nervous about it, Margot never was, but I was. I’m telling you, it’s the best feeling in the world. If Ella’s ready then you’re ready.”

“Jesus.”

“What?” he asked.

“Just thought you’d react differently.”

“Why? It’ll be great for you. I don’t know about the whole new job thing and a kid at the same time bit, but that’s your business.”

“She’s excited at the idea.”

“I’ll bet, she’ll be a good mother.”

“I know.” I really had no idea how to continue the conversation. I figured that Mike would be totally against the idea of me having a kid, just like he’s against every other idea I’ve ever had. With the family he lost and how it’s affected him, I was sure he was against the idea of family.

Mike didn’t seem in a hurry to keep the conversation going either, and got engrossed in the menu. It felt a little like old times. Like back when we had lunch to catch up and there was no pressure. Every once in awhile the old Mike came along when you least expected it. Too few and far between, but it was a good feeling all the same.

The waitress came by and we both ordered a burger. I got the mushroom with Swiss, cooked medium rare. Mike got the chili bacon burger, well done. I don’t understand why people continue to ruin a good piece of beef by cooking it to death.

After we ordered I figured that we might as well get into the issues at hand and said, “we’re still going to have to plan out what to do with Sheryl, when she does slip.”

“We’ll do the same thing we did last time. Why would we change anything?”

“Because I’m taking this one, remember?”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea buddy,” Mike said. “Especially if you are serious about this having a kid thing. I’m telling you, that changes things.”

“I don’t see what it changes. We still are going to deal with Sheryl, and I’m still going to be the one dealing with her. I was pretty clear about that.”

“That was then, you’re starting a family now.”

“Maybe.”

“Bullshit Will, if Ella wants a kid you’ll give it to her, and you should. You need to get your head straight and start thinking about protecting your family. I’ll deal with this, same as always.”

“Like hell, nothing’s changed. If I’m going to protect my family, killing Sheryl Bowman seems like a great place to start. The world needs to be protected from the Sheryl Bowmans of the world.” I said.

“First step in protecting your family is to protect you; that’s how you’ll protect your family. If something goes wrong now you can walk away from all this. You’re safe. You do this and you’re in too deep, and it’ll change you.”

“Safe? I’ve been there since step one Mike, there’s no turning back from this.”

“What? So now you want to take one step forward? You’re as deep as you need to go. I’ll take care of Sheryl, which will keep you and your family safe. I’ve got nothing to lose, and you’re getting more and more. Let this one lie.”

“I was serious about this.” I said.

“I know, and I was going to give in. Who am I to tell you what to do with your life, right? I mean, you’ve been there for me all this time. But I’m telling you Will, this is the wrong move for you now, especially now. You have to trust me on this one.”

“I won’t back down, you know I won’t.”

Mike just sat quietly and stared at me as our food arrived. We started eating in silence, which I guess would look normal to the other customers. It didn’t feel quite right though, and I could tell Mike didn’t know what else to say. I’m guessing he was right about trying to talk me out of it. Maybe I’m too stubborn, but I really felt that it was the right thing to do. I mean, I couldn’t let Mike take all the risks and carry the heaviest burden on these things. He was helping everybody by doing the things he was doing. At some point the rest of us have to make sacrifices too.

“Alright,” he said. “But I have one condition, nonnegotiable.”

“No conditions,” I said.
“One.” He said calmly.
“What?”

“You have to swear to me that when it comes down to it, even when it seems like we’re too far it, that you’ll be able to back down. When push comes to shove and you realize that I’m right you let me deal with it. If you never feel that way? Fine. But you can’t have any regrets and do this right. You have to be willing to walk away, you have to be capable of it. You understand?”

“Fine.” I had no idea whether I’d step up or step down when it came to it, but I needed to find out. “You don’t think I can go through with it, do you?”

“Sure Will,” Mike said. “Doing it ain’t hard. It’s the after that I’m worried about.”

Oddities

It’s an odd thing for me to keep writing like this, with these obscure short stories. I don’t mean odd in the “look at that silly little man” kind of way. It’s just a supreme waste of time.

For those of you who’ve known me for a while you’re undoubtedly aware that I have not shown appreciable improvement over the last ten years. It feels better to say “ten years” instead of “decade.” I’ve never really kept up my output to the point where you’d expect improvement, so I’m not complaining. I’ve also never taken advantage of the absurd amount of options available for writers. Never a clinic or a group class. I just write my silly little stories.

I have gotten older in the last ten years, so conceivably I should have more to say than I did when I was younger. The truth is that I actually have much less to say now. In particular I have less to say about myself because I am no longer enamored with my own opinions. You could say that I’ve had the opposite emotional maturation to your typical politician.

I’d like to think that I have a more developed perspective of the world than I once did. I do think that I understand the world better, or better understand what I don’t really know. But I could just as easily have simply become more set in my old ways and no longer know the difference.

I don’t really know why I haven’t shown many signs of improvement. I don’t know why that doesn’t bother me. Odd.

Part of the problem is that I lack the inherent drive and talent necessary to become a successful writer. I’m at least a third of the way through my life (given my lifestyle,) and I’ve gone from the beginning to nowhere in my writing career. Let’s just say it hasn’t been an auspicious beginning. One of my favorite authors wrote his first novel at the tender age of 29. So that’s something.

I’m different from him and you cannot seriously consider the writing I do an art form. I’m not particularly creative. I’m not out to express myself. At best I’m working to express somebody else. If I needed to share my innermost thoughts or feelings I’d just say, “I think…” and be done with it. It’s not what I do or why I do it.

The stories I tell, and I do deeply love stories, are things you’ve heard before. I’m not quite so simple as to tell the boy meets girl, boy gets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl again and they live happily ever after kind of stories. It’s too bad really, since those are the stories most of us like to hear. I don’t generally go for traditional storyline, but I’d probably be better off if I worked in that direction. I seem to be drawn to writing stories where people are pushed into a corner and I’m not sure how to bring them out of it.

It shouldn’t really matter as far as the writing goes. A story is a story and has a beginning, middle, and end. The content shouldn’t overly affect the writing. Granted, I’ve struggled with the end part of the equation. But endings are the most important part to me, which makes them the hardest part. I’m drawn to the darker themes, and unfortunately I’m just not as good at them.

I’m at my best when I’m being observant about life and the events that shape our lives. I’m even better when I’m not trying too hard to be witty, which tends to be a flaw I often indulge. Trying too hard to do anything usually has unfortunate consequences. But I see the world a little differently from most people, and there’s a good chance that I’m making fun of those differences. That’s what makes me me, which is a little bit different from you. If I’m going to ever be truly creative, that’s where it would have to be. It’s the lighter side of life where I excel, when there is some kind of dialogue with a lighthearted repartee.

But there’s nothing funny about the things I’ve been writing about lately. So from the very beginning I abandon my only real strength. It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t know any better. At least then I could claim ignorance.

So it’s all odd, for these reasons and many others. But I keep plugging away and hope to continue strolling along. I don’t know why. Odd, isn’t it?

Part 9

After a couple of minutes quietly drinking our coffee I ended up picking up the paper. It seemed like our little conversation was over so I browsed through the sports section. My head wasn’t really in it, but it gave me something to do. I didn’t want to piss of Ella because of something as stupid as an unsmoked pack of cigarettes.

Eventually Ella spoke up, “I kinda wanted to talk about something today, but I guess it’s probably not the right time.”

“What did you want to talk about?” I asked.

“I don’t want to get into it if you’re in a bad mood already, with the whole Mike thing yesterday.”

“That was last night, it’d be good to get my mind onto something else anyway. Everything okay?”

“Yeah, I was just thinking about some stuff.”

“Kay, what kind of stuff?” I asked.

“Not here,” she said. “Let’s go out for breakfast.”

So we did. We went to a little locally owned diner that was our usual breakfast destination. Going out twice in one week was a bit much for us, but it was a nice change of pace. I ordered the same omelette that I always get, with sundried tomatoes, bacon, and three kinds of cheese topped with avocado slices. I’d be regretting it all day, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it. Ella got a stack of their wheat germ pancakes and a bowl of fresh fruit. Needless to say I’m the one carrying a life insurance policy.

After we had our orders in and got our coffee I couldn’t wait any longer. “So, what’s up?”

“I’ve just been thinking about things. Thought maybe we could talk about some stuff, it just seems like its time.”

At that she went silent and just stared at her coffee. I never know what to do when she gets like this. Sometimes I think I should just give her time to settle down, let her speak at her own pace. Other times I want to talk and try to help her carry the conversation along, so she doesn’t feel like she has to it alone. But the truth is I still can’t figure out what she wants me to do. I know you want to keep some mystery alive in a relationship, but I don’t think this is what they mean.

“I was just thinking that we’re getting older now, and like you said the other day things just seem to be going the right direction,” she said. “And since we seem to have things pretty well under control, y’know, settled pretty good at work. For both of us.”

“We’re finally pretty stable, I guess.”

“Exactly, and things are going well and all. I mean, I’m moving up at work and should have enough seniority to start picking better shifts soon.”

“You gonna get off nights?”

“I might have to change departments, but hopefully. It might be worth it.”

“That sounds great honey. You’ve been wanted a more normal schedule for awhile.”

“Yeah, it could be good. But, well, how’s work been going for you?”

“Same old. Fine. We’ve been keeping busy but it isn’t overwhelming or anything. I could probably go out and drum up some more business, probably should. It’s a living.”

“You were talking about buying out that branch.”

“Sure, but it may not really be worth it. I’d have to separate from all of Ron’s other stuff, and it’d be a whole lot more work. It would probably be more money, but not too much. Plus I’d have to get my own tax guy and insurance and stuff.”

“Would Ron let you go?” Ella asked.

“Doubt he’d really care. He’s been semi-retired for a couple years now, probably walk away completely pretty soon. He’s been thinking about selling out the whole thing.”

“He could have you take over.”

“Could, but I doubt it. He’s got that nephew I told you about working one of the other branches. I’m guessing he’d end up running it if Ron decides to go that route.”

“Would he stop you from leaving?”

“Don’t see how he could. You mean Ron not sell the branch to me because of his nephew?” She nodded. “I s’pose it’s possible, but I’m on pretty could terms with the kid and I don’t think he’d care. It’s not enough of the business to affect their bottom line too much. I dunno, I’ve also been toying with the idea of freelancing.”

“I didn’t know you were thinking about that.”

“Sure, it’s crossed my mind. More lately, but it isn’t like I’ve got any plans laid out or anything. I think I could probably make it work.”

“Could we afford it?” she asked.

“I’d have some clients follow me, but it would probably be tight for awhile. I’d have to work from home, which would be different but should be doable. I mean, I haven’t done the numbers and really looked at it or anything. But I’ve got some ideas that I think could work.”

“That sounds really good, you should run the numbers and see if we could do it.”

“You think? I’ve been playing around with the idea but never mentioned it because it was just an idea, y’know. You really think I should? Is that what you wanted to talk about, work?”

“No,” she said. “Well, kinda I guess. It’s part of it.”

Just then the food arrived. My meal looked a whole lot better than hers, but she’d be feeling better all day long. Pick your demon.

“Well, what did you want to talk about?” I asked as I started attacking my eggs.

While she was pouring syrup on her pancakes she said, “I was thinking about transferring to the maternity ward.”

“Is that where you’ll get the better shifts?”

“Probably not right away, but pretty soon I think.”

“Sounds like it could be good.”

“Yeah, and it’d be nice to have some change. Less death during the day, get to focus on happier things.”

“I’ll bet.”

“And I was also thinking that they treat you really well over there if you’re pregnant. I think it sets some of the patients at ease, they kind of like it if the nurses look like that know what their going through.”

“Makes sense, sure.” I could guess where this was leading.

“And like I said, we’re getting older, so maybe it’s time to start talking about starting a family.”

“I see.” I said.

“You’re not happy.”

“It’s not that, just sorta caught me off guard a little bit.”
“We’ve talked about it before.” She said.

“I know…”

“And you said that you wanted to have kids someday.”

“I know I did, and I do…”

“We’ve been putting it off for awhile now.”

“I know, but…”

“And I don’t know how we can be any more ready if you think about it. Especially if you end up working from home, that could be perfect.”

I smiled, Ella was in full on defensive mode and there was no way I was going to get her off point. I know this tone all too well.

Truth is I wasn’t sure that I wanted to talk her down, it just was so far from my mind with all the other stuff going on. I didn’t feel ready to start having kids, I mean, how could I be a father? But I don’t think I’ll ever really feel ready, or any more ready. So I asked.

“Do you really think we’re ready?”

“I’m ready.” She said.

“And you’re sure? It’s a big step, it’s a goddamn leap.”

“I’m positive,” and she sounded it.

“But how can you know?”

“I just do, it feels right. I don’t know how to describe it, I just feel maternal, and ready. I just know it’s the right time.”

I mulled that around a bit and kept eating.

“What are you thinking?” she asked. My silence was making her nervous.

“Do you think I’m ready?” I asked.

“You’ll make a great daddy.”

“I don’t know about that.”

“I do.”

“I just keep thinking I’d spend the whole time trying not to be my parents.”

“I wonder about that too, cause I don’t want to be like my mom. I think that I can do better, like learn from her mistakes. And hopefully I can do the things she did well just as good, and do the things she didn’t do right the right way. I don’t know, but I still know it’s time to try.”

“I don’t know that I’m really ready, but I don’t know that you can ever be really ready.”

“We can be prepared, and I think we are. As well as you can be, at least. We can do this.” And her eyes looked almost pleading.

“I know you can, and I’ll just have to try not to fuck it all up.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“Oh, I just might.”

“So you think, y’know, maybe…” and she started smiling.

“I think that we need to think about it. But not like in theory, but really think about it for now. I just need to get my head around it. Honestly, you got me flat-footed here. You’ve been thinking about this for awhile now, haven’t you?”

“It’s been on my mind.”

“Y’know, you could have eased me into it a bit.”

“I am easing you in. It’s just sort of hit me real hard recently, I really want a baby, Will.”

“Just give me a couple of days to figure it out, it’s a big deal. I’m not stalling, I just need to think.”

“That’s all I’m asking.”

“You’ll make a great mother.”

She smiled. “You’ll be a great daddy, just wait and see.”

Part 8

I went to bed fairly early that night. I don’t really know how I was able to fall asleep like I did, with my mind running in circles. Usually that keeps me awake, but maybe this time it was just too much and my mind went into overload and it knocked me out. I don’t know if that ends up being any better, it wasn’t like I got a restful kind of sleep. The word fitful comes to mind.

I had noticed when Ella got home, but I was in half a daze when she did so I didn’t bother to get up. In the morning when I was making coffee I noticed the pack of cigarettes still sitting on the table and figured I was in for a lecture. Leaving those out was a bit of an asshole move on my part. But getting a lecture was just demeaning. I don’t care if I deserved it.

When I heard Ella start coming down the stairs I knew I was in for it. If there is one thing I’ve learned from marrying somebody in the medical professions it’s that they really don’t like tobacco companies.

“Mornin,” she said.

“Good morning,” I said back.

“Sleep well?”

“Not really.”

“Didn’t think so.”

“No?” I asked.

“You were tossing all night, kept me up.”

“Shit, I’m sorry hon. It was a rough night.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

“Nothing to talk about. Got into it a bit with Mike, and, y’know, got a little worked up I guess. No biggie.”

“Hmm… no biggie,” she mused. “What was it about?”

“Couldn’t tell you what started it.”

“You don’t remember?”

“Yeah,” I said. “It was one of those conversations that kind of snowballed.”

“Snowballed.”

“Yep.”

“I see.” Ella warmed her hands on the coffee mug she just filled. “What started the snowball?”

“Eh,” I shrugged. “Like I said, I don’t really remember. I probably hit a cord or something, the man can be a bit high strung.”

“Yeah, I’ve noticed that. And I’m guessing that’s your excuse for...” and she nodded at the pack of cigarettes.

I winced. “Pretty much. Felt like having a smoke for some reason, didn’t end up ever having any though.”

“Hmm, strange. Looks like you had at least one.”

“Nope, did throw one away though.” I said.

“Throw… one… away.” I hate when she enunciates like that.

“Yeah, call it a gift to the smoking gods. I had a buddy back in college who always did that. He always said he was quitting, though it didn’t seem to slow him down much. But as a punishment for every pack he bought he’d throw two away. He wouldn’t give them to anybody else; they had to be thrown away. It was the weirdest thing. I mean, buying the cigarettes in the first place was a waste of money, and we didn’t have much extra back in those days.”

“It is a waste of money.”

“Especially since I’ll end up throwing them all away.”

“Are you?”

“Unless you want them.”

“I think I’ll pas, thanks.”

“Then that’s the plan.”

“Hmm…” she muttered. “You know I hate those things. You don’t have to see what it does to people, the things I see. That’s not a kind of suffering you want to go through, and it’s not something I’m willing to go through with you.”

“You won’t, it was just a compulsion.”

“I want to be able to trust you on this. I don’t like the idea that this could become a regular… compulsion.”

“Well, I never even smoked one, so I don’t know what to tell you.” And I didn’t. It’s not like I could apologize for not smoking cigarettes.

“But you wanted to.”

“Not really.”

“You wanted to enough to go buy them.”

“Thought I wanted them.”

“And next time?” I shrugged. “What if you really want them next time?"

“Bridge I doubt I’ll need to cross.”

“I don’t like it.”

“I know you don’t hon, but it’s not going to happen again.”

“Hmm… is Mike okay?”

“He’ll be fine. I’m sorry hon, it’s just that Mike and I have history and with all that happened to his family. Y’know, it kinda bubbles up sometimes.“

“It’s been three years Will, he needs to move on.”

“Seems like yesterday and forever ago.”

“I miss Margot and Sarah too, but you need to get him help.”

“Ain’t gonna happen.”

“You need to make it happen.”

“What do you expect me to do? Tie him up and drag him to a shrink? Force him to talk about his feelings?”

“He needs help.”

“He needs to want help, there’s nothing I can do to get him there. It’s on his timetable, not mine.”

“You’re right, I know. I’m just worried he’s gonna drag you down with him. With the cigarettes and all.”

“Mike had nothing to do with that, I didn’t get them until I was on the way home. He was never a smoker anyway. It was just a dumb idea I had.”

“I know sweetie,” she said. “Life can be overwhelming sometimes. I just want you to be okay.”

“I’ll be fine.”

Part 7

I didn’t stay long after that, I guess that we really didn’t have all that much else to say to each other about the subject. Well, maybe we had plenty to say; we just didn’t know how to say it yet. I think it was mostly me needing to leave, Mike has always been better at controlling himself.

I think talking about Sheryl out loud was the biggest issue. We’d never really talked about what happens after I drop Mike off at one of these things. I mean, I knew exactly what was going on, but knowing about it and saying it out loud are too different things. It was just and idea, a thought that could float away. Nothing was real about it.

This made it real.

Here’s the thing, once I said that I was going to be the one… taking care of Sheryl. Well, that’s when it became a promise. I had thought about it, sure. I had thought about the other three people too because they deserved to die too. Mike was pretty careful about picking these people out. I’m still surprised how many people out there are just pure monstrosities. But Mike was the one who needed to do this, almost as a therapy. It helped him stay normal, if that makes any sense.

But I am normal, so I shouldn’t need to do any of this. And if I feel this way about this person just by reading a file, you’d think that someone else closer to the whole thing would have taken care of it by now. Sometimes people need to step up and nobody is around willing to take the plunge. But they don’t, and then there are those like Mike who’ve been pushed so far that all they can do is push back. I don’t know how I became one of those people, or if I really am one of those people. I don’t know if I can do this.

So I stopped by the liquor store to pick up a pack of cigarettes, I hadn’t smoked much in years and it had been even longer since I’d actually bought a whole pack of cigarettes. But I felt justified. Sometimes you just feel like you want to die, just a little bit. Having a smoke is a great way to indulge that feeling. I figured Ella was going to kill me when she found out, so I’ll have to come up with a good story. Fuck it, I needed them.

Mike was right about Ella though; at least now that I think about it I think he’s right. She’s a nurse for chrissakes; her job is to help save lives. My new hobby involves taking them away. I wonder if she’ll believe it was all for the right reasons when she finds out. Does that make a difference? I don’t know how long I can keep this all a secret, or how long before Mike and I get caught. But I’m pretty damn sure that it’s not going to be forever. I wonder if I’ll be more mortified or embarrassed?

These aren’t good thoughts, and they’re going to make me as sloppy as Mike’s hate makes him. I get the hate, hell it’s my motivating factor as much as anything else is. But I wish that he believed that we were doing all this for a good reason, that we were on the right side of something. Making it all hate and vengeance is too dirty. There should be some justice and honor in there. It doesn’t have to be true.

I packed the cigarettes slowly, forgetting why I felt the compulsion to engage in this silly ritual. I don’t know that it’s ever actually made a difference in the quality of the smoke. Oh well, old habits die hard, and stupid ones last forever. I took off the cellophane and pulled off the foil end liner. I threw the trash away as I walked to the car, pulling out a cigarette and putting it in my mouth as I went. Then I realized that I didn’t have a lighter, I thought they used to be standard in cars?

I didn’t want to go back inside and feel like an idiot getting a box of matches, so I decided to just drive home and get matches there. Ella wouldn’t be home for a couple hours anyway, and if I took a shower and scrubbed my gums with steel wool she might not even notice.

As I drove home I thought about the night before with Ella, how she acted almost childish. She seemed really happy about something, but I don’t know what. I guess that sometimes we just need to be happy, and it’s especially important to try when you have no good reason. She did have those strawberries and that champagne ready though, and I should probably figure out why. In my experience, women don’t always have a good reason to celebrate but they always come up with some kind of reason. Was it an anniversary of something I forgot? Wouldn’t she have told me if it was? Wouldn’t she have been decidedly not happy?

I decided to stop thinking about anything for the rest of the drive, and concentrated firmly on that concept. It didn’t really work; I couldn’t stop fixating on something. The song playing on the radio, why the digital clock’s numbers were white when it would make more sense for them to be red. All the instruments in a car should glow red so it doesn’t hurt your night vision. How can I, the frickin accountant, know this but the engineers in multi-billion dollar companies can’t? It just doesn’t make any sense. Get your shit together boys.

When I got home I discovered that the cigarette was still hanging stupidly from my mouth. The paper had gotten stuck to my lips, and when I pulled took it out of my mouth it tore around the filter. I peeled the rest of the paper off the filter until it fell off the tobacco end. I smelled the tobacco and all it really smelled like was paper, which just seemed ridiculous. I rolled it firmly between my fingers until the tobacco shards floated softly to the patio.

This is stupid, I don’t want to kill myself one smoke at a time. I want to kill Sheryl Bowman for what she’s done and I want to know that I’m going to be able to do it. Mike would.