Just to clarify.

I guess I must be confusing, because it seems like many of the people around me have really off the wall impressions. I’m a relatively uncomplicated guy as far as things go, but apparently that doesn’t always get across. I take full responsibility here.

People seem to want to fix me, which is intriguing because I never knew that I was broken. It’s always something to get at the “real” me, as opposed to this petty impersonation I’ve been doing all my life. It really runs the gamut: quit drinking, get married, go gluten free, yadda, yadda, yadda.

On a side note, and I believe I speak for everyone here. Vegans? Fuck off. Seriously.

Back to the topic at hand, some people have solutions to the problems that I’ve never noticed. Let’s just settle this here, because apparently I’ve been unclear. Here’s my schtick:

I’m kind of an asshole, but sometimes I’m funny.

That’s it! Simple, right? Told you so. So now we can all leave my “inner teddy bear” or any other bullshit you think I’m hiding alone.

Thanks!

Would you date someone with children?

I suppose that depends on whether this is a hypothetical question or if you really have someone in mind...

5 Things I've thought about...

...that you probably haven't...

1) Polytheistic religions are more tolerant than monotheistic faiths.

When you’ve got a bunch of gods (and even some favorites,) it’s not a huge leap to accept someone else’s gods. There will always be the inevitable “my gods are better than your gods” argument. But it’s not as extreme as saying yours is the only true God and all unbelievers must die!

2) Men and women are equally stupid; we’re just stupid about different things.

People sometimes complain that men only think with their penises. That may be true, but at least our penises never overthink the situation.

3) I overuse ellipses.

Because I like to let it linger…

4) Boxing is not about beating people up.

But roller derby is.

5) Squash is gross because of the rotten texture.

Squash has a soft/mushy and sometimes stringy texture. Think of all the other things you eat, what else has that consistency? That’s right, rotten things. If you have an apple that gets overly soft, you throw it away. If your steak is mushy and stringy before you’re about to put it on the grill, you toss it out. Squash has the consistency of other things that are past due. And that’s what you want to eat? Really?

Between a rock and a cold hard slap

We’ve all heard women say it: “Just don’t lie to me.” She’d much rather hear something hurtful that’s true than be deceived. She can forgive almost anything, as long as you are honest.

Bullshit.

Nobody wants to hear the truth all the time. Man, woman, child, your dog, nobody. The truth quite often sucks, that’s why we made up lying in the first place! Lying is great when used properly. Women know this, but sometimes they are in a bad mood and need to blame it on their man. Here are three of the conversation starters to get us on the defensive.


Does this _______ make me look fat?

Umm… no? There’s no right answer here. If you say no you are lying and not even paying attention. Saying yes is even worse. We’ll call this the sitcom classic.


Do you think she’s pretty?

Who?

You know who.

Well of course I know who, the pretty one. That’s what pretty people are for!

I know you were looking.

Dammit…


Do you think I should get breast implants?

Yes, no, whatever. I know there is a big media push about beauty, but ya’ll are over-thinking this stuff. We’re guys, generally naked is all it takes to make us happy. But no, you need us to take a position. And you get mad at us even if we say no! As far as I’m concerned if you want a bigger bust by all means go for it. But you can always just do it the old fashioned way and get pregnant.

Guys, you can't win here. Forget about watching the game, it's over.

Rum Cake

So I've been looking around to find a rum cake recipe. Why? I dunno, because I'm an alcoholic with a bundt pan I guess. Get off it.

Anyway, I've been looking around and every recipe I'm finding has an ingredient list that includes...ahem... "yellow cake mix." Really? You're the type of person who makes Hamburger Helper from scratch, aren't you? Boxed pre-mix items are not, let me be clear, ARE NOT a recipe! It's the absence of a recipe, that's the entire point. You add water or milk and viola! It's magic!

I want to be fair here, there's nothing wrong with yellow cake mix. It creates a light and fluffy pile of mediocrity fit for all occasions. But if you are going to be audacious enough to post a recipe, you cannot include "yellow fricking cake damn mix" as an ingredient.

End of public service announcement.