100th Post

This is my 100^th blog post. That’s right, number one-oh-hundred. So I thought about writing about something important, or to help bring perspective on some of the better posts. Instead I just decided to write about things that piss me off, because the best way to sum up me is to listen to me pissed off. It’s my best face. So, in no particular order:

· People who make their religion all fuzzy and friendly. Look, if you’re trying to convert people by talking about love and forgiveness, but neglect to mention the jealousy and wrath… that’s just dishonest salesmanship. Be fair, lay it all out.

· When people consider their online interactions as a social life. If you’re socially inept, just live your life in a bottle like a man.

· When people who have been to therapy think they are therapists. Look, therapy is about introspection, so if you think that your treatment means that you understand everybody else better, you’re doing it wrong.

· The California Highway Patrol douchenozzles. If you want to help people, become a cop or sheriff or fire fighter or join animal control or whatever. But the only reason to dedicate your life to traffic enforcement is because you are an asshole and want a gun.

· The phrase “illegal war.” Wars aren’t “legal” or “illegal.” They fall outside of a legal framework, so they would be extra-legal. International law doesn’t exist, because it’s completely unenforceable. The least you can do is make your bitching logical.

· People who speak as authorities in topics they know nothing about. You can’t talk about how dangerous guns are if you’ve never seen one in person. You can’t judge me for smoking if you’ve never tried it. You can have an opinion, but don’t pretend to know anything. We can tell, really.

· Tighty-whities. Eh, personal preference; shouldn’t need an explanation.

· Spam emails. Who the hell is “EJ”? Because I’m getting all of his work from home and cheap prescription medication emails.

· Boston Red Sox fans. Shut up already.

· Yankees Fans. Ditto.

· The celebrity media machine. I don’t like knowing that Lindsay Lohan is in rehab, because I really don’t care. I don’t even know how I know, that’s how inundated I am with this information.

· Entertainment oriented political television. As much fun as it is to argue politics with idiots, it’s never interesting to listen to three people argue without ever having one of them complete a full sentence without being interrupted.

· Squash. The vegetable, not the game. You can get past the terrible taste and still have to deal with the texture. I’d rather have escargot.

· Whining. See: Red Sox, Boston

· Treehuggers. You love the environment? Fine. You feel like constantly lecturing me on the environment? Sure, but you should know that I believe in mercy killing. And it’ll be a mercy if it shuts you up.

· Sobriety. Seriously, life is boring.

· Anytime parents talk to you about their kids as if everything they do is miraculous. Babies aren’t cute, they’re awkwardly goofy. Children are stupid. Just hope they grow out of it.

· Little boys and girls who are adults. The inner child is supposed to be on the inside, stay away from Forever 21.

· Cougars. Just kidding, now buy me a drink.

· People who talk in text speech. Writing “lol” is bad enough, saying it is damn near unforgivable.

· Politicians. They aren’t even good liars anymore. I miss being disillusioned.

· Reality television. Is there anything less real than reality television? Everybody loses with reality television, everybody.

· Vampires that glisten. You can throw werewolves that fall in love with infants. The hell is wrong with you people?

· Tall women. Yes, I’m shallow and easily intimidated.

· Tall men. Screw you.

· Diet anything. Soda, crackers, bread, water, whatever… Here’s how a diet works, you just eat less. But no, you’d rather eat the entire bag of “diet” cookies. Triple the portions, should work fine. Good job.

· Madonna. Two reasons. One, bitch got creepy looking. Two, the term Madonna represents the faux singer, instead of what it’s supposed to mean.

· Child bikinis. I’ve been over this before. Let’s avoid tempting the pedophiles, shall we?

· Tourists. If you live in a tourist town, you hate tourists. And parades.

· Metrosexuals. Stop giving women the wrong expectations. Is that eyeliner?

· Cyclists who think that mankind’s laws supercede the laws of physics. Get. Out. Of. My. Way.

· The Dow Jones Industrial Average. How many of the people who watch the Dow daily actually know what’s in it? If you don’t, feel free not to complain about it to me.

· People who think they have me all figured out. It’s not a self-righteous “nobody can understand me” sentiment either. If you think you know me that well, you don’t know me at all.

· Handwriting. I haven’t used cursive since elementary school, what an incredible waste of my squandered youth.

· The designated hitter. I’m trying to avoid the sports references, but this is important. If the guy can throw the ball, he can swing the bat.

· Yacht Clubs. Do you have to check off “willing to be a dick” on the application?

· People with high self-esteem. You’re just too hard to take advantage of.

· People who think being comfortable with your body is an excuse for letting yourself go. A good personality doesn’t make you pretty, sorry.

· Homosexuals who are convinced that everybody else is in the closet. Go be gay, whatever Most of us don’t swing that way, but we’ll take care of the preservation of the species for you. Were you the kids who tried to hammer the square peg in the triangle hole?

· People who look for ways to be offended. Seriously? Not enough normal shitty in your life, just have to look for more?

Look, I’m not an angry bitter person consumed by the things I hate. But don’t do any of these things around me. I mean it.

Vodka

On this list of things that should never be, flavored vodka is on the first page. It’s pretty ridiculous. I mean, the whole point to vodka is that you can put it into anything and have a “vodka X” that’s delicious. That and your boss/wife/slave owner can’t smell it on your breath.

What’s the most common one, orange flavored vodka? You could do that, or put your regular vodka into orange juice. Sure could, it’s a brand new drink called a “screwdriver.” I wonder what kind of genius came up with that. And that goes for all the fruit flavors. If you can find a juice for the flavor, you can just add vodka and viola! It’s a miracle! No need to buy an extra bottle of weakened vodka! Raspberry! Strawberry! Myrtle Berry! Peach! Regret! (tastes like copper)

The only one that almost makes sense is vanilla, since most people don’t have vanilla beans lying around. Vanilla extract isn’t so bad, but you have to be really careful with that stuff. But you don’t really need a vanilla vodka, do you? You don’t want to drink an ice cream flavored alcohol, it’s pedophilic.

Look, vodka is the equalizer of liquors, so vaginafying it with flavors is morally repugnant. Whiskey is a male drink. Rum is a female drink. And don’t think I’m being sexist either, it’s more of a language thing. Think of how “table” is feminine in Spanish, it’s not a testament to any kind of real sexuality. But vodka (and to a lesser degree gin) are androgynous liquors, so removing them from our repertoire is unfair. We need our unifying spirits. I mean really, it’s not like us drunks ask for all that much.

I understand that people want weak drinks. It’s like the people who add coffee to their milk and sugar. It’s idiotic, but hey, at least you almost look like an adult. But there’s no reason to take my vodka away from me, we can already make sissy drinks out of it! This is an unnecessary and wasteful product, and I’m taking a moral stand against the whole “flavored liquor*” movement.

* I’m giving a pass to liqueurs, since that’s what they were made for.