Things I find Irksome

Children Wearing Bikinis

As much as I enjoy the sexualization of America, I’m still not a huge fan of pedophilic tendencies. And no, it’s never cute when your ten year old does a Madonna pose in her bathing suit. I promise not to change my mind when I have a kid either. What is wrong with you people?

Let’s just make a rule that no one is allowed to wear a bikini until they are at the very least halfway through puberty. I mean seriously, what’s the point otherwise? A bikini is designed to accentuate certain curves, and if you aren’t old enough to develop those curves it’s a waste of time. My time. And if you happen to have any kind of curves at all at 8, they probably aren’t the kind you want to share.

Cyclists

Lance Armstrong is a beacon of hope for people struggling with cancer. His story is a testament to the power of the human spirit. His yellow wristbands have raised money and awareness for the plague of the 21^st century. And the French absolutely hate him. My kind of hero, no?

No. Our dear Mr. Armstrong has also encouraged legions of men to wear spandex and hike their rears into the air trying to ride their bicycles. If I had to add all his good works with this crap? Hmm… It’s at best a toss up. I’ll be generous and say .02 percent of the population is meant to wear spandex. And none of them are men.

On top of that these people cram into the streets in packs of neon obesity, convinced that they have more rights on the road then I do. They ride in the middle of the street and whine whenever a car merges to the right to make a right turn. Y’know, the way they are friggin supposed to. I hate to break it to you, but the real rules of the road are the laws of physics. Mass and velocity my friends, mass and velocity.

Militant Recycling

Oh…My…God… I threw a plastic bottle into the garbage can. The garbage can! Because that’s where one would think it should go. I must be going to hell for that, because the little children of the recycling movement want me to horde all the bottles of the world until my apartment looks like a pack rat’s den. Hopefully it will get moldy and develop some new kind of organic disease that can decrease the surplus population.

Look, the trash company sorts through my refuse looking for recyclables for me. They probably get some absurd tax rebate, and it contributes to job growth to boot. That and I don’t have to deal with it. Because I don’t have to go through my garbage, it’s one of the perks of not being homeless. So my trash company gets to add to the stockpiles of recyclable material sitting around in dumps across the country because we don’t have the processing capacity to keep up with supply for me. I swear, this recycling business is really important. It’s just working gangbusters.

So keep shaking your head at me whenever you see me throw my empty bottle of water in the trash. I’m half a step away from going back to straight littering.

Year End Evaluations

If you’ve ever had a year end evaluation, you probably realize how utterly useless they tend to be. You go through a list of questions and try to remember what you may have done in January to help the company. Then you get to rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 5, wondering whether humility or arrogance is more likely to get you a raise.

Your boss gets to review your answers for half a minute or so and approves with just enough remarks to make sure it looks like they were thorough. Since they have a two-week window at best to go through every employee’s eval they can’t really focus too much on you, kinda like the rest of the year.

This is mindless masturbation because if your boss hasn’t been paying attention the whole year round then the five minutes of giving you a 3.15 approval rating is pointless. You know it. They know it. But apparently their boss never got the reality memo. Wetahded.

Unrated Movies

There’s this trend to release movies in an “Unrated” version. That way you can get more of the fun obscene language and hosts of extra nudist exploits, right? Wrong. That would be truth in advertising, and I could obviously get on board the honesty train for that. But these movies aren’t really all that different; they just re-insert some of the crap scenes that weren’t good enough for the theater release. That’s foking brilliant.

All “unrated” really means is that this particular version wasn’t screened by the MPAA, which is a group of corrupt fuddy-duddies controlling the movie rating system. It can be a special no-nudity version of Showgirls, and if it didn’t get through the MPAA it’s still “unrated.” Awesome. We used to call them “Director’s Cut” and pay $10 extra to see the crap that would have made the movie and hour too long. I’m so glad we’ve progressed past that inanity.

So go on buster boy, go get that unrated version of American Pie. It was a crap movie the first time around; I hope your new version of the exact same thing is just as satisfying.

Pixie Dust

I think we’re living in a pixie dust world in a lot of ways, and I don’t mean in the: my little princess let’s ruin our daughters’ kind of way. I’m talking about grown men and women, though not necessarily grown up men and women. And the pixie dust isn’t a magic powder that can make us fly, but a special naïveté pill that we use when convenient. And it’s always convenient.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that most people will not appreciate my accusation. Which is fine, because as you know other people’s opinion of me is pretty low on my list of concerns. However, I do understand some of the hatred here, simply because the pixie dust is easy to believe in, and in many circumstances is something we must hold on to. Because the lies we tell ourselves are always the most convincing.

What kind of lies do we tell? There’s a mumble jumble of little things, and a smattering of larger things. Let’s say you’re dating someone and things aren’t quite working out. Well we’ll just push along and get through this rough patch, that’s the adult thing to do. Maybe if we got married it’d take some of the stress away, that’s what we should do! And everything is copacetic, right? Well no, not generally. But you’re going to act that way, and maybe even believe it. This is normal, it’s not ideal but it’s the right thing to do. Right? When things get too hard again? Let’s have a kid. Sprinkle, sprinkle.

Ever try talking sense to someone who is/thinks they are in love? Talk about pissing into the wind. Does anybody think “When a Man Loves a Woman” is a happy song? If you do I have a bag of pixie dust to sell you. It’s cheap.

What happens when someone’s life isn’t going quite as planned? Y’know, the way it never quite does. Life doesn’t work on a plan or schedule, and fighting that is always a losing battle. Step one in Neverland is to find someone to blame. Blaming your parents was certainly in vogue in the 90’s. I think we now tend to blame society as a whole, which is ridiculous because the 60’s already played that card. I’m more supportive of creative delusions.

My job sucks. It’s because nobody appreciates me. My home sucks. It’s because everyone around me is making my life miserable, probably intentionally. It’s not fair. I’ve got nothing here, if you’re looking for fair I recommend trying to walk on water and turn it to wine. Chances are things are unfair in your favor and you just don’t know it. I think you need to sweep under the carpet, there’s dust everywhere.

I don’t really know what to make of it, and I know that I’m guilty of some of these delusions as well. It’s nice to make the world resemble what we want it to be, even if it’s just by a little. It’s probably part of how we deal with the world; human nature so to speak. And I don’t mind that you lie to yourself, and I promise to try not to burst your bubble. Just stop lying to me.

Musica

I was watching television recently and caught a bit of a Simon and Garfunkel performance. This is more recent footage, with Paul Simon looking like Austin Pendleton after a binge and Art’s fro looking less ridiculous because you don’t want to pick on the old guy. They played The Sound of Silence and a couple of their other main hits. It got me thinking about the music that is passing us by. It’s the end of that generation, and with it that style of music. I don’t mean the singer/songwriter generation, or the sixties per se. Just when music wasn’t predominantly noise.

So I’m watching these old guys, and they are beginning to look old. I’m not trying to knock them either, they are old but at least they still matter. Do you think we’ll look at much of my generation’s musical contributions this way? Music just doesn’t age as well as it used to, or maybe I’m just getting too cynical to see the long-term view. I can’t imagine Sir-Mix-A-Lot performing Baby got Back when he’s approaching his seventies. Maybe his anaconda is big enough that’s he’ll still have the balls to do it. But I’m pretty sure people will find him ridiculous. I didn’t think Paul and Art were ridiculous, I just thought that time passes by to fast.

I don’t know that it matters, but it seems that music is no longer transcending a time period. For the most part it’s focused on something specific. Pop charts, success, money, pissing of someone’s parents, becoming a strip club anthem, etc. I wonder if my kids will give a shit about the music I listened to in my youth. I’m kinda hopeful they don’t.

Santa Barbara

Say what you want about the high rent I pay to live in squalor, or the lack of a metropolitan nightlife. Talk about how nice a house or how much better a car I could drive somewhere else. Say whatever you can think of saying. But I'm willing to wager that I wouldn't trade what I saw this outside this morning for what you did.

I'll never understand how anyone can find religion inside a building.

Talking Heads

Why do people insist on talking about things they have no idea about? Don't get me wrong, nobody knows everything about everything, so in no way am I judgmental of circumstances when someone is uninformed. That's fine, it's a normal everyday part of life. And I get trying to hang in quietly when a conversation turns to a topic you aren't overly familiar with. I do it all the time, just waiting for the next tangent that I may be able to add to. But to bring up topics that you don't know a damn thing about and try to speak with authority? Just silliness.

Part 13

The next morning Ella was up making coffee before I woke up. It was unusual for her to get up before me, as she always liked lounging in bed a bit. But we’d been having a rough patch after the whole blow up about Mike. I suppose it was bound to happen every now and again, those two would never mix well and I’d always be in the middle.

“Mornin,” I said.

“Coffee?”

“Hmm.” She brought me a mug. It was a little cold, so it must have been waiting for me awhile. “Thanks.”

“Welcome.” It was these odd awkward silences that bothered me. The key to our relationship had always been that we never had awkward silences. I don’t mean we talked all the time, but it was never awkward when we didn’t.

“I’ve been thinking.” She said.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, about Mike.”

I groaned. “Look, I know that you don’t really like him and all but…”

“No, nothing like that. I want him to come home for dinner sometime, like we used to.”

“He doesn’t want to go out with us El, we already tried.”

“Not out, and not a setup or anything. I want him to come here, just for dinner. I have a friend I want to have over and it’d be easier if you had a friend too. And she’s just off a bad breakup and they wouldn’t be a good couple or anything. I know he’s not looking and neither is she. Just a dinner party, just to have him over.”

“Not a setup, eh?”

“I wouldn’t set up Mike for a rebound, you know that.” It was true; when Ella tried to get people together she swung for the fences.

“I’ll ask him.” I said.

“No, that’s not good enough. You tell him Will, he’ll do what you say, always has. You’ve been right, I’ve probably been hard on him, maybe a little insensitive.”

“You’ve never been insensitive to anyone in your life.”

“You were right about him needing to move on at his own pace. I still don’t think he will unless someone pushes him, but that’s not really up to me, is it?”

“Neither of us.”

“But he’s a big part of your life, and he used to be part of mine too. I miss Margot and Sarah, and Mike’s all we have left of them. He’s family Will, yours and mine. He should still come over. We should make a habit of it.”

“Okay, we’ll set it up sometime.”

“This weekend, Sylvia’s coming Saturday.”

“Whose Sylvia?”

“Just a new girl at work, she’s nice but new to town. Left some guy back East somewhere, so I’m really not trying to set him up, Will.”

“Okay, Saturday. I’ll tell him. He should be free.”

“Well, he doesn’t work, what could he possibly be doing?”

“He’s got his own life El, I don’t know. But I’ll tell him it’s important.”

“I don’t want him to hate me.” She said.

“He doesn’t hate you, never has never could. You two just… don’t mix I guess. You’re very different from each other.”

“But we have you in common.”

“Well, there’s that.” And I had to smile. This is the first conversation that felt easy in awhile. “I’ll call him later from the office, I doubt he’s up yet.”

“You’ll talk to him today?”

“Promise.”

“Thanks.”

“Any time babe,” I said. “Big plans today?”

“I have to interview with the department head about that maternity position today, but it should be fine. We’ve known each other a long time.”

“That’s great, right?”

“I think so. I better get ready, you need the shower?”

“Go first, I don’t have any early clients today.”

“Okay, thanks hon.”

“Yep.”

And she walked back to the bedroom, leaving me alone with my cold cup of coffee. I didn’t really know whether I should be happy or worried about her wanting to take a more active role with Mike. He’d rather just be left alone, but it’d be easier on me if they had a more cordial relationship.

As soon as I got to work I called Mike.

“Hey Mike, it’s Will.”

“Kinda early, isn’t it?”

“Sorry, but I have to ask you a question. You busy Saturday?”

“Depends, why?”

“You’re coming over for dinner.” I tried to say casually.

“C’mon Will, we’ve been over this.”

“Look, Ella’s been busting my balls about you lately so I need you to come over. She’s having a friend over but it’s not a matchmaker thing. Apparently it’s just some new girl in the hospital, so she doesn’t want her to feel like a third wheel or something.”

“Sure, that doesn’t sound like a setup at all,” Mike said.

“She’s always upfront about that stuff, you know that.”

“I do?”

“Look, you’re coming over on Saturday for dinner, no big deal. Just help me out man, it’s not like we’re going out on the town or anything. Just at the house.”

“Fine, whatever. Can I go back to sleep now?”

“Sure bud, I’ll see you Saturday.”

He grunted and hung up. Can’t say I knew what to expect on Saturday, but it was going to be interesting.

Interesting People

I generally feel prepared to deal with people, like I have a read on them. Most likely you won’t be able to catch me overly off guard, because I keep my defenses up. It’s not that I’m psychic and know what you’ll say before you do, but I’m ready for the kinds of things that you might say. I guess I just feel like I have a pretty good understanding of people and the types of interaction that I have with them.

I suppose this is how people are able to relate to each other, by having a common social connection. There are forms and habits that we share, which create our comfort zones. I don’t see this as a bad thing. As far as I can tell that’s what makes a society work.

However, I always enjoy dealing with someone who I can’t read, where I have no idea what to expect. It’s one of the things I notice first about people, particularly women. Because, well, why would you have it any other way? It’s angular, someone who approaches me in angles I’m not accustomed to.

I don’t know why I like to talk to women who keep me off kilter, but I think it has something to do with how rarely it happens to me. In fact, I do not know a single person right now who makes me feel that way. It’s most likely my own fault, because I very rarely leave my comfort zone. It’s hard to get an in with me for some reason, because I don’t really need other people in a traditional way. Or at least in the popular way.

It’s hard to explain, because being kept off guard and being uncomfortable are different things. There are plenty of people who I don’t understand and can annoy the shit out of me, but I generally have an idea what I’m dealing with. I hate awkwardness to the degree that there is probably a pill I should take. But I do crave some sort of off balance interaction that I haven’t felt for many years.

Maybe people can’t make me feel that way anymore; maybe I have enough life experience to absorb any kind of idiosyncrasy. But I don’t think so, I’ll bet I just haven’t met the right kind of person in a long time. It ain’t tragic, but it isn’t a happy thought either.

The problem with sports...

is that sometimes you lose.

That shit was painful.

Part 12

This is getting close to being the longest continuing story I've ever written, and I don't feel like I've really gotten anywhere yet. Don't know what to make of that notion.

A couple days later I stopped by Mike’s place on the way home, hoping to get an update on how things were going with Sheryl. We weren’t keeping in touch as well as we usually did, which made me nervous. Though I was also probably just anxious about the whole thing, and was hoping things were moving along.

When I got there I found Mike in the garage as usual, but he was obviously drunker than normal. He was sitting in his easy chair staring into space. He didn’t even notice me walk in. I saw and empty bottle of whiskey next to him, and another one that was almost full. I wonder how full the empty one was when he started.

“Hey Mike.” I said.

He looked up at me leisurely, as if he was half dreaming. “Will?”

“Yep.”

“Well I can see that! Come on in bud, have a seat. Have a drink with me.”

“Sure, you still have beer in the fridge?”

“You thirsty?” he said, looking confused.

I chuckled, “Yeah Mike, I’m thirsty.”

“Go ahead then, you have your beer and then you can have a drink with me.”

“We’ll see.” I walked over to the fridge and overheard him muttering, “he ain’t having a real drink with me, nope, I’m gonna a drink alone tonight.” I grabbed a glass on my way back from the kitchen, figuring I’d have to have at least one real drink with him.

“So what’s the word on our target?” I asked.

“Heh, heh, target. I like that, makes it sound all official and shit. Like we’re really doing something.”

“Oh we’re doing something alright.”

“Trying to... Well, Ms. Bowman is keeping her nose clean, clean, clean. She hasn’t done nothing at all, spends all her time going to the store to fix up the old house she lives in. Doesn’t do nothing to help us out.”

“Why isn’t she looking for a job or something, isn’t that part of her probation?”

“Nope, her mom died not long ago, and she inherited a bunch of money so she doesn’t have to work. She’s doing community service stuff, cleaning up garbage on the roadside crew and whatnot. They don’t have her working with kids or anything.”

“Good idea,” I mused.

“Yep, keep the predator from the prey. But I’m the predator now, and it’s also keeping me from my prey. No good. No good at all.”

“Hmm… time will come, always does.”

“Yep,” Mike perked up. “Time always does come, for all of us. You get Ella knocked up yet?”

“Nope, we’re still thinking about it. She’s mad at me, so there isn’t much talk on the subject.”

“Mad at you? No good, no-no good. You always want an open discourse with the wife. It’s key. You do something wrong?”

“I dunno, maybe.”

“Ah, I know that feeling. I’ve always like Ella, but she’s never liked me.”

“Sure she likes you.”

Mike gave a stunted cackle. “Nope, Ella doesn’t like Mike, never did. It’s okay though; we don’t get along because we’re the kind of people who aren’t going to get along. Nothing you can do about it, it’s just one of those things. I like her though; we just can’t ever be friends. She’s a good person.”

“So are you Mike, you’re a good person too.”

“You really like that idea, don’t you? We’re the good guys… fighting evil!”

“And you like the idea that you’re the bad guy.”

“Bad guy? Ha! I’m not a good guy, I’m not a bad guy, I’m just some guy. Ain’t nothing to it really, just a guy. There’s no good or bad, just what is and what isn’t. But you can be the good guy Will, I know you like it.”

“Just want to do a good thing.”

“It’s just a thing. I’m glad though, that you want to help me with it. Even though I think you’re stupid for wanting to do what you want to do.” I was about to protest but he cut me off. “Now I know that you’re going to do it, that you want to get a kill. ‘Get a kill’ sounds so sterile, doesn’t it? Like it’s a bug or a gopher or maybe a pet puppy or something. Put em in a bag and drown em. Her name is Sheryl Bowman, and she is a person.”

“She’s not a person.”

“Sure, just like you and me, see? People are people, and she’s just a bad people. Doesn’t make her inhuman. Inhumane maybe.”

“That’s good enough for me.”

“Hmm… me too. More than enough for me. I’m glad we do this thing we do, it’s what I’ve always wanted to do.”

“No it isn’t, you never would have done this if not for…”

“No, I wouldn’t be doing this if it wasn’t for… Frank.”

“Frank?”

“I never told you? His name was Frank, short for Franklin. But he went by Frank.”

“Who did?”

“Good ol’ Frank took away my Margot and my Sarah. Just some guy, his name was Frank.”

“I thought his name was Steve or Stephen or Steph or something.”

“Yep, but his middle name was Frank. He went by Frank.”

I thought that I knew everything about the man who took Mike’s family, but I never knew that he went by Frank. I also didn’t like Mike being on a first name basis with the man who killed his family.

“You know what Will? I’ve always wondered why you weren’t a religious man. You’ve always had faith in people, I’d have thought it would appeal to your sensibilities.” Mike said.

“Me? Nah, it was never me who had faith in people. You were the one who thought the best of everyone.”

“I did?”

“Once upon a time.”

“Hmm… suppose I did, a lifetime ago. I wish that I had a religion, I think it’d be nice.”

“I’m sure we can get you one. I hear most of them recruit.”

“Hmm… I’d like to believe in God so I could hate Him, do you think they’d let me in for that?”

“Probably wouldn’t want to tell them that part.”

“I could blame God, make it all His fault. I could let go of hating my buddy Frank, and could hate God instead. That’d be a comfort, feel like my prayers would hurt His feelings or something.”

“I don’t think you can hurt God’s feelings Mike.”

“No? But I could try, couldn’t I?”

“You could.”

“Yep, maybe I should get a religion. You think it would help?”

“Not really.”

“No? Maybe not then.”

“Probably not.”

“No religion for Mike,” he said. “I don’t think there really is comfort, just a numbing. But at least now I’m the person I’ve always wanted to be… thought I would be.”

I didn’t know what to say to that statement, not really understanding what Mike thought he was. I know that he was something else with Margot, and something more than that with Sarah. While I was thinking of an answer Mike fell asleep, and I could hear his soft snoring. I guess a real update on Sheryl would have to wait till morning.

Part 11

I know, I'm kinda sick of this storyline too. But after 10,000 words you need some kind of conclusion. So I'm plugging along.

“Hey honey, back so soon?” Ella called out from the kitchen when I got home.

“Left a bit early today, nothing much going on. Whatcha doin?”

“Just started dinner, figured you’d be later. Didn’t you have a long lunch with Mike?”

“We had lunch,” I said. “Don’t know that it was overly long.”

“I thought you worked later if you went out to lunch.”

“Yeah, sometimes. But I wasn’t gone that long, we went to the diner just down the street from the office. What’s for dinner?” I asked as I made my way into the kitchen.

“That’s what I’m trying to figure out. Looks like we need to go on a grocery run, all we have is pasta. But we have lots of sauces, unless you want to make one up.”

“Nah, something premade should be fine. Have a good day?”

“Yeah, I think so. Talked to Carol about the maternity ward, and she’s going to look into it for me.”

“Thought you already did that.”

“Well,” she said. “We’ve talked about it but now we’re really talking about it. Now that I’ve been thinking about it I really want to get it.”

“Don’t get too maternal on me now.”

“Sorry, it’s in the genes. How’s Mike?”

“Mike’s Mike.” That’s really the only thing you can ever say about him.

“It’s been a couple days, I thought it’d be a big deal kind of lunch, y’know, with whatever problems you had.” She said.

“Nah,” I said. “No biggie, we moved on.”

“I don’t know how you do that, just get over things.”

“It’s a guy thing Ella, no need to linger. But it was good to talk to him, I wanted to get his advice on the whole kid thing.”

“You did not!”

“Course I did.”

“Why would you do that?” She asked.

“Why what?”

“I don’t want you talking to Mike about that kind of stuff.”

“What do you mean,” and I started laughing. “What kind of stuff?”

“Our stuff, I mean, Mike’s in a bad way and I don’t want that rubbing off on us. He’s not the kind of person you’d go to for that.”

“Mike’s my best friend, he had a family, why wouldn’t I ask him for advice? Who else would I talk to?”

“He had a family Will, he doesn’t have one now. He’s just beat down and angry, that’s not where you go. I can’t believe you’d do that!” She said.

“You’re not making any sense, I told my friend what’s going on with us. That’s what friends do. You keeping this all a secret?”

“Of course not, but I’m not talking to anybody like Mike.”

“Like Mike?”

“Yeah, like Mike. Let me guess, he thinks it’s a terrible idea and now you’re having second thoughts.”

“You know what? Never mind. I’ve got some stuff to finish in the garage.” And I stormed out of the room, didn’t even bother to change out of my work clothes. I haven’t been that furious at Ella in a long time, and never was I so sure that I was in the right about it. But I still felt like a petulant child walking out like that. I went to the garage and started clearing off the worktable, putting all the tools back up on the pegboard. I didn’t really have any pending projects, but had to keep my hands occupied.

I guess I understood where she was coming from, it’s not like I expected Mike to have a positive outlook on anything either. I was expecting him to say something about how it’s a shit world and it’s irresponsible to bring kids into it or something. That or just gloss over the topic because he was obviously unsupportive. I dunno; guess I expected anything other than him being supportive. That’s just not the Mike we’ve known the past couple of years.

If I was worried about his opinion, how could Ella not be? But still, is it okay for her to discount my friend like he’s nothing? And not trust me enough to know that I know better? Hell, it was like she was forbidding me from talking to him. That didn’t seem right no matter how you looked at it. Even if she had been right, and 9 times out of 10 she would have been with Mike. Maybe 99 out of 100. It’s still didn’t seem fair.

I don’t know how long I was in the garage sulking, but I definitely missed dinner. Ella was mad enough not to come get me, so at least we were even. When I got back inside she was sitting on the couch watching some cooking show. I was going to just walk behind the couch to the bathroom and take a shower without saying anything, but I couldn’t resist.

“He said that he thought it was a great idea to start a family. No…what he actually said is that if you say we’re ready that means we’re ready, and that I should do whatever you say.” I started walking again, but when I got to the hallway I stopped. “He also said you’ll make a great mother.”

Old man and the CD

One of the ways I can tell that I'm getting older is because is because I am completely out of touch with the pop music scene. I don't mean that it no longer speaks to me and my generation like it used to or anything like that. To be honest, I'm amazed that anybody identifies with most of the drivel out there. I'm out of touch in that I don't know who anybody is anymore.

I was watching part of the rerun of MTV's Music Video Awards, which I assume were from this past year. I had know idea who to hate, which is an odd feeling. For those of you who know me, you know that being an asshole about these kinds of things is my schtick. Unfortunately, I'm so out of touch that I had know idea who anybody was and consequently don't know who to make fun of or what to make fun of them for. The joy is gone.

It was bound to happen someday, but I just never thought it would be so soon. Maybe I need to start watching more TV...

Philanthropy

I'm going to give the world a free piece of advice, just because I'm a stand up cat.

If you are in traffic, and the car in front of you is right behind the car in front of them... there is no point in tailgating. I know this is difficult to comprehend. But if camp your bumper on my bumper, but there is absolutely nowhere for me to go because I'm surrounded by other cars, there's no way that I'm going to go any faster. Get it? I HAVE NOWHERE ELSE TO GO!

And that's my public service announcement, ya'll have a good day.

Part 10

Once upon I time I actually did proofreading before I posted these things...

Eventually I got ahold of Mike to set up a lunch meeting, but I did wait a couple of days before I called him. He must have known I needed it, because he didn’t call me either. It felt like the whole world rolled over and I was just starting from scratch. Ella knew that it was only a matter of time before I warmed up to the whole baby idea. As soon as I said I’d think about it we both knew what would happen, but I still wanted to wait her out a bit. It was nice to be overwhelmed about a good thing for a change.

I had been sitting in a booth at the restaurant nursing an iced tea for almost ten minutes before Mike showed up. It was one of those places that had a fifties theme, complete with Elvis posters and the fake leather booths. It even had an old style jukebox, or at least one that looked old. I think it was one of those fakes that download songs directly from the internet. I sometimes miss the scratches of old records, it just makes things sound authentic.

“Been waiting long?” Mike asked as he walked over to me.

“Not really, “ I said. Mike isn’t much for greetings and small talk, at least, not anymore. “How’s things?”

“Eh,” he growled. “She hasn’t done much of anything. I’m not tailing her all the time or anything, but everything I’ve seen is way too clean. Mostly just working on the house. No visits to the parks or schools or anything.”

“That’s a good thing.”

“No. This bitch is sick, and I don’t like waiting. But you were right about that the other night; we have to do this the right way. I don’t have to like it.”

“She’ll slip soon enough, they all do.”

“Yeah,” Mike said.

“You think about the other stuff?”

“You think about what I said?”

“More than you know.” I responded.

“Then you’ve talked to Ella.”

“Not exactly, we’ve had other things to talk about.”

“Sure you did, everything alright?”

“Yeah,” I said. “She might be getting off of shift work pretty soon, get a normal schedule.”

“That’s going to be inconvenient for us.”

“But good for her.”

“Both of you, I suppose.” Mike said.

“It’d be nice. She also thinks that I should start going freelance.”

“Can you?” he asked.

“It’s a possibility,” I answered. “It might be a good change for me, don’t know if I can pull it off.”

“You can. It could open up your days a bit too, help me out in daylight sometime.”

“Yeah, maybe. It’ll be good to have a more flexible schedule, especially if we have a kid.”

“Ella’s pregnant?” Mike asked incredulously.

“Wants to be, she’s been putting a little pressure on me the last couple of days… we’re thinking about it.”

“Seriously?”

“It’s a thought.”

“Do it.”

“What?”

“Absolutely, best thing that ever happened to us, having Sarah. I was nervous about it, Margot never was, but I was. I’m telling you, it’s the best feeling in the world. If Ella’s ready then you’re ready.”

“Jesus.”

“What?” he asked.

“Just thought you’d react differently.”

“Why? It’ll be great for you. I don’t know about the whole new job thing and a kid at the same time bit, but that’s your business.”

“She’s excited at the idea.”

“I’ll bet, she’ll be a good mother.”

“I know.” I really had no idea how to continue the conversation. I figured that Mike would be totally against the idea of me having a kid, just like he’s against every other idea I’ve ever had. With the family he lost and how it’s affected him, I was sure he was against the idea of family.

Mike didn’t seem in a hurry to keep the conversation going either, and got engrossed in the menu. It felt a little like old times. Like back when we had lunch to catch up and there was no pressure. Every once in awhile the old Mike came along when you least expected it. Too few and far between, but it was a good feeling all the same.

The waitress came by and we both ordered a burger. I got the mushroom with Swiss, cooked medium rare. Mike got the chili bacon burger, well done. I don’t understand why people continue to ruin a good piece of beef by cooking it to death.

After we ordered I figured that we might as well get into the issues at hand and said, “we’re still going to have to plan out what to do with Sheryl, when she does slip.”

“We’ll do the same thing we did last time. Why would we change anything?”

“Because I’m taking this one, remember?”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea buddy,” Mike said. “Especially if you are serious about this having a kid thing. I’m telling you, that changes things.”

“I don’t see what it changes. We still are going to deal with Sheryl, and I’m still going to be the one dealing with her. I was pretty clear about that.”

“That was then, you’re starting a family now.”

“Maybe.”

“Bullshit Will, if Ella wants a kid you’ll give it to her, and you should. You need to get your head straight and start thinking about protecting your family. I’ll deal with this, same as always.”

“Like hell, nothing’s changed. If I’m going to protect my family, killing Sheryl Bowman seems like a great place to start. The world needs to be protected from the Sheryl Bowmans of the world.” I said.

“First step in protecting your family is to protect you; that’s how you’ll protect your family. If something goes wrong now you can walk away from all this. You’re safe. You do this and you’re in too deep, and it’ll change you.”

“Safe? I’ve been there since step one Mike, there’s no turning back from this.”

“What? So now you want to take one step forward? You’re as deep as you need to go. I’ll take care of Sheryl, which will keep you and your family safe. I’ve got nothing to lose, and you’re getting more and more. Let this one lie.”

“I was serious about this.” I said.

“I know, and I was going to give in. Who am I to tell you what to do with your life, right? I mean, you’ve been there for me all this time. But I’m telling you Will, this is the wrong move for you now, especially now. You have to trust me on this one.”

“I won’t back down, you know I won’t.”

Mike just sat quietly and stared at me as our food arrived. We started eating in silence, which I guess would look normal to the other customers. It didn’t feel quite right though, and I could tell Mike didn’t know what else to say. I’m guessing he was right about trying to talk me out of it. Maybe I’m too stubborn, but I really felt that it was the right thing to do. I mean, I couldn’t let Mike take all the risks and carry the heaviest burden on these things. He was helping everybody by doing the things he was doing. At some point the rest of us have to make sacrifices too.

“Alright,” he said. “But I have one condition, nonnegotiable.”

“No conditions,” I said.
“One.” He said calmly.
“What?”

“You have to swear to me that when it comes down to it, even when it seems like we’re too far it, that you’ll be able to back down. When push comes to shove and you realize that I’m right you let me deal with it. If you never feel that way? Fine. But you can’t have any regrets and do this right. You have to be willing to walk away, you have to be capable of it. You understand?”

“Fine.” I had no idea whether I’d step up or step down when it came to it, but I needed to find out. “You don’t think I can go through with it, do you?”

“Sure Will,” Mike said. “Doing it ain’t hard. It’s the after that I’m worried about.”

Oddities

It’s an odd thing for me to keep writing like this, with these obscure short stories. I don’t mean odd in the “look at that silly little man” kind of way. It’s just a supreme waste of time.

For those of you who’ve known me for a while you’re undoubtedly aware that I have not shown appreciable improvement over the last ten years. It feels better to say “ten years” instead of “decade.” I’ve never really kept up my output to the point where you’d expect improvement, so I’m not complaining. I’ve also never taken advantage of the absurd amount of options available for writers. Never a clinic or a group class. I just write my silly little stories.

I have gotten older in the last ten years, so conceivably I should have more to say than I did when I was younger. The truth is that I actually have much less to say now. In particular I have less to say about myself because I am no longer enamored with my own opinions. You could say that I’ve had the opposite emotional maturation to your typical politician.

I’d like to think that I have a more developed perspective of the world than I once did. I do think that I understand the world better, or better understand what I don’t really know. But I could just as easily have simply become more set in my old ways and no longer know the difference.

I don’t really know why I haven’t shown many signs of improvement. I don’t know why that doesn’t bother me. Odd.

Part of the problem is that I lack the inherent drive and talent necessary to become a successful writer. I’m at least a third of the way through my life (given my lifestyle,) and I’ve gone from the beginning to nowhere in my writing career. Let’s just say it hasn’t been an auspicious beginning. One of my favorite authors wrote his first novel at the tender age of 29. So that’s something.

I’m different from him and you cannot seriously consider the writing I do an art form. I’m not particularly creative. I’m not out to express myself. At best I’m working to express somebody else. If I needed to share my innermost thoughts or feelings I’d just say, “I think…” and be done with it. It’s not what I do or why I do it.

The stories I tell, and I do deeply love stories, are things you’ve heard before. I’m not quite so simple as to tell the boy meets girl, boy gets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl again and they live happily ever after kind of stories. It’s too bad really, since those are the stories most of us like to hear. I don’t generally go for traditional storyline, but I’d probably be better off if I worked in that direction. I seem to be drawn to writing stories where people are pushed into a corner and I’m not sure how to bring them out of it.

It shouldn’t really matter as far as the writing goes. A story is a story and has a beginning, middle, and end. The content shouldn’t overly affect the writing. Granted, I’ve struggled with the end part of the equation. But endings are the most important part to me, which makes them the hardest part. I’m drawn to the darker themes, and unfortunately I’m just not as good at them.

I’m at my best when I’m being observant about life and the events that shape our lives. I’m even better when I’m not trying too hard to be witty, which tends to be a flaw I often indulge. Trying too hard to do anything usually has unfortunate consequences. But I see the world a little differently from most people, and there’s a good chance that I’m making fun of those differences. That’s what makes me me, which is a little bit different from you. If I’m going to ever be truly creative, that’s where it would have to be. It’s the lighter side of life where I excel, when there is some kind of dialogue with a lighthearted repartee.

But there’s nothing funny about the things I’ve been writing about lately. So from the very beginning I abandon my only real strength. It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t know any better. At least then I could claim ignorance.

So it’s all odd, for these reasons and many others. But I keep plugging away and hope to continue strolling along. I don’t know why. Odd, isn’t it?

Part 9

After a couple of minutes quietly drinking our coffee I ended up picking up the paper. It seemed like our little conversation was over so I browsed through the sports section. My head wasn’t really in it, but it gave me something to do. I didn’t want to piss of Ella because of something as stupid as an unsmoked pack of cigarettes.

Eventually Ella spoke up, “I kinda wanted to talk about something today, but I guess it’s probably not the right time.”

“What did you want to talk about?” I asked.

“I don’t want to get into it if you’re in a bad mood already, with the whole Mike thing yesterday.”

“That was last night, it’d be good to get my mind onto something else anyway. Everything okay?”

“Yeah, I was just thinking about some stuff.”

“Kay, what kind of stuff?” I asked.

“Not here,” she said. “Let’s go out for breakfast.”

So we did. We went to a little locally owned diner that was our usual breakfast destination. Going out twice in one week was a bit much for us, but it was a nice change of pace. I ordered the same omelette that I always get, with sundried tomatoes, bacon, and three kinds of cheese topped with avocado slices. I’d be regretting it all day, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it. Ella got a stack of their wheat germ pancakes and a bowl of fresh fruit. Needless to say I’m the one carrying a life insurance policy.

After we had our orders in and got our coffee I couldn’t wait any longer. “So, what’s up?”

“I’ve just been thinking about things. Thought maybe we could talk about some stuff, it just seems like its time.”

At that she went silent and just stared at her coffee. I never know what to do when she gets like this. Sometimes I think I should just give her time to settle down, let her speak at her own pace. Other times I want to talk and try to help her carry the conversation along, so she doesn’t feel like she has to it alone. But the truth is I still can’t figure out what she wants me to do. I know you want to keep some mystery alive in a relationship, but I don’t think this is what they mean.

“I was just thinking that we’re getting older now, and like you said the other day things just seem to be going the right direction,” she said. “And since we seem to have things pretty well under control, y’know, settled pretty good at work. For both of us.”

“We’re finally pretty stable, I guess.”

“Exactly, and things are going well and all. I mean, I’m moving up at work and should have enough seniority to start picking better shifts soon.”

“You gonna get off nights?”

“I might have to change departments, but hopefully. It might be worth it.”

“That sounds great honey. You’ve been wanted a more normal schedule for awhile.”

“Yeah, it could be good. But, well, how’s work been going for you?”

“Same old. Fine. We’ve been keeping busy but it isn’t overwhelming or anything. I could probably go out and drum up some more business, probably should. It’s a living.”

“You were talking about buying out that branch.”

“Sure, but it may not really be worth it. I’d have to separate from all of Ron’s other stuff, and it’d be a whole lot more work. It would probably be more money, but not too much. Plus I’d have to get my own tax guy and insurance and stuff.”

“Would Ron let you go?” Ella asked.

“Doubt he’d really care. He’s been semi-retired for a couple years now, probably walk away completely pretty soon. He’s been thinking about selling out the whole thing.”

“He could have you take over.”

“Could, but I doubt it. He’s got that nephew I told you about working one of the other branches. I’m guessing he’d end up running it if Ron decides to go that route.”

“Would he stop you from leaving?”

“Don’t see how he could. You mean Ron not sell the branch to me because of his nephew?” She nodded. “I s’pose it’s possible, but I’m on pretty could terms with the kid and I don’t think he’d care. It’s not enough of the business to affect their bottom line too much. I dunno, I’ve also been toying with the idea of freelancing.”

“I didn’t know you were thinking about that.”

“Sure, it’s crossed my mind. More lately, but it isn’t like I’ve got any plans laid out or anything. I think I could probably make it work.”

“Could we afford it?” she asked.

“I’d have some clients follow me, but it would probably be tight for awhile. I’d have to work from home, which would be different but should be doable. I mean, I haven’t done the numbers and really looked at it or anything. But I’ve got some ideas that I think could work.”

“That sounds really good, you should run the numbers and see if we could do it.”

“You think? I’ve been playing around with the idea but never mentioned it because it was just an idea, y’know. You really think I should? Is that what you wanted to talk about, work?”

“No,” she said. “Well, kinda I guess. It’s part of it.”

Just then the food arrived. My meal looked a whole lot better than hers, but she’d be feeling better all day long. Pick your demon.

“Well, what did you want to talk about?” I asked as I started attacking my eggs.

While she was pouring syrup on her pancakes she said, “I was thinking about transferring to the maternity ward.”

“Is that where you’ll get the better shifts?”

“Probably not right away, but pretty soon I think.”

“Sounds like it could be good.”

“Yeah, and it’d be nice to have some change. Less death during the day, get to focus on happier things.”

“I’ll bet.”

“And I was also thinking that they treat you really well over there if you’re pregnant. I think it sets some of the patients at ease, they kind of like it if the nurses look like that know what their going through.”

“Makes sense, sure.” I could guess where this was leading.

“And like I said, we’re getting older, so maybe it’s time to start talking about starting a family.”

“I see.” I said.

“You’re not happy.”

“It’s not that, just sorta caught me off guard a little bit.”
“We’ve talked about it before.” She said.

“I know…”

“And you said that you wanted to have kids someday.”

“I know I did, and I do…”

“We’ve been putting it off for awhile now.”

“I know, but…”

“And I don’t know how we can be any more ready if you think about it. Especially if you end up working from home, that could be perfect.”

I smiled, Ella was in full on defensive mode and there was no way I was going to get her off point. I know this tone all too well.

Truth is I wasn’t sure that I wanted to talk her down, it just was so far from my mind with all the other stuff going on. I didn’t feel ready to start having kids, I mean, how could I be a father? But I don’t think I’ll ever really feel ready, or any more ready. So I asked.

“Do you really think we’re ready?”

“I’m ready.” She said.

“And you’re sure? It’s a big step, it’s a goddamn leap.”

“I’m positive,” and she sounded it.

“But how can you know?”

“I just do, it feels right. I don’t know how to describe it, I just feel maternal, and ready. I just know it’s the right time.”

I mulled that around a bit and kept eating.

“What are you thinking?” she asked. My silence was making her nervous.

“Do you think I’m ready?” I asked.

“You’ll make a great daddy.”

“I don’t know about that.”

“I do.”

“I just keep thinking I’d spend the whole time trying not to be my parents.”

“I wonder about that too, cause I don’t want to be like my mom. I think that I can do better, like learn from her mistakes. And hopefully I can do the things she did well just as good, and do the things she didn’t do right the right way. I don’t know, but I still know it’s time to try.”

“I don’t know that I’m really ready, but I don’t know that you can ever be really ready.”

“We can be prepared, and I think we are. As well as you can be, at least. We can do this.” And her eyes looked almost pleading.

“I know you can, and I’ll just have to try not to fuck it all up.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“Oh, I just might.”

“So you think, y’know, maybe…” and she started smiling.

“I think that we need to think about it. But not like in theory, but really think about it for now. I just need to get my head around it. Honestly, you got me flat-footed here. You’ve been thinking about this for awhile now, haven’t you?”

“It’s been on my mind.”

“Y’know, you could have eased me into it a bit.”

“I am easing you in. It’s just sort of hit me real hard recently, I really want a baby, Will.”

“Just give me a couple of days to figure it out, it’s a big deal. I’m not stalling, I just need to think.”

“That’s all I’m asking.”

“You’ll make a great mother.”

She smiled. “You’ll be a great daddy, just wait and see.”