What percentage of conversations that you over-hear are basically:
YAP! YAP! YAP! YAP! double YAP! YAP!
?
Just curious
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Virtual Reality
Remember the conventional wisdom that you shouldn't bring your work home with you, so that you can have a happier home life?
When you work from home, it puts a damper in that whole thought process...
When you work from home, it puts a damper in that whole thought process...
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Harry is a Cynic
The doorbell rang and Harry opened the door to find his sister.
“Uh, hi sis. What are you doing here?”
“Can’t a big sister visit her baby brother?”
“Sure she can, you’d just think she’d call first. C’mon in.”
Sarah came inside and took a long judgmental look around. “I was just in the neighborhood,” she said.
“Fancy that, have a seat. Want something to drink?”
“You drinking already?”
“Yeah sis, I drink all day. Let’s see,” Harry checked his watch. “It’s two o’clock, so I usually have iced tea.”
“Well okay, that’d be nice.”
Harry went to the kitchen to grab the drinks while Sarah puttered around in the living room. She picked at the magazines with her forefinger and thumb, as if she were afraid they were contaminated.
“Here you go,” Harry handed her a glass, which she checked for cleanliness. “Well, what can I do for you sis?” he asked.
“Since you ask… I was hoping that you could do me a favor and watch Chuck for a few days while Tom and I go out of
town for the weekend. It’d just be for the weekend, the 8th, 9th, and 10nth, we’d pick him up on Monday.”
“Yeah-no.”
“What do you mean no?”
“Chuck is a yappy little rat of a dog, and I really don’t want anything to do with him. Don’t they have places to leave your dogs when you go out of town?”
“Chuck doesn’t like those places, kennels can be traumatizing.”
“Dog’s get traumatized?” Chuck asked in mock amusement. “How can you tell? Do they…” Chuck’s phone starting ringing and he raised his hand at Sarah when he answered it.
Yellow.
Oh, hey hon, what’s up?
No.
No.
No.
Absolutely not.
Okay, that sounds reasonable.
Uh-huh, not a problem.
Yes I understand... I’ll wear a tie.
Fine, no tie!
No, seriously, I get it.
Alright, fine…no…. I’ll talk to you later.
“Good news?” Sarah asked.
“Not really, just Heather. She wants me to go to her brothers wedding.”
“That’s understandable.”
“That’s what I said. Then she wanted to make sure I would dress nice and I said I would. Y’know I told her I’d even wear a tie, but it’s not a “tie” kind of wedding, whatever that means. So I said fine, no tie. Of course now, I have no idea what kind of wedding it is, other than no ties.”
“It’s just a casual wedding.”
“Yeah, but what kind of casual? Hawaiian shirt casual? Jeans casual? I’ve got nothing to work with.”
“Well at least it sounds like it’s going well with Heather.”
“Is it now?”
“You have pet names and everything, I think it’s cute.”
“The hell you talking about?”
“You called her “hon” when you answered the phone.”
“Yeah, as in Attila.”
“Oh stop being such a jerk all the time.” Sarah drank some iced tea in an attempt to sway the conversation back on
herself. “So, are you going to watch Chuck for me?”
“No. Didn’t we already settle that?”
“How can you be so goddamn selfish all the time? I mean, how often to I ask you for anything, and then I ask you for one favor and it’s “’no, no, no, all the time.’ You’re such a prick.”
“How am I being selfish, you’re the one asking me to do something for you. Seems like you’re the selfish one.”
“Yeah, whatever Harry.” Sarah said in disgust.
The conversation carried on awkwardly for a few more minutes until Sarah made an excuse to leave. Harry didn’t mind.
“Uh, hi sis. What are you doing here?”
“Can’t a big sister visit her baby brother?”
“Sure she can, you’d just think she’d call first. C’mon in.”
Sarah came inside and took a long judgmental look around. “I was just in the neighborhood,” she said.
“Fancy that, have a seat. Want something to drink?”
“You drinking already?”
“Yeah sis, I drink all day. Let’s see,” Harry checked his watch. “It’s two o’clock, so I usually have iced tea.”
“Well okay, that’d be nice.”
Harry went to the kitchen to grab the drinks while Sarah puttered around in the living room. She picked at the magazines with her forefinger and thumb, as if she were afraid they were contaminated.
“Here you go,” Harry handed her a glass, which she checked for cleanliness. “Well, what can I do for you sis?” he asked.
“Since you ask… I was hoping that you could do me a favor and watch Chuck for a few days while Tom and I go out of
town for the weekend. It’d just be for the weekend, the 8th, 9th, and 10nth, we’d pick him up on Monday.”
“Yeah-no.”
“What do you mean no?”
“Chuck is a yappy little rat of a dog, and I really don’t want anything to do with him. Don’t they have places to leave your dogs when you go out of town?”
“Chuck doesn’t like those places, kennels can be traumatizing.”
“Dog’s get traumatized?” Chuck asked in mock amusement. “How can you tell? Do they…” Chuck’s phone starting ringing and he raised his hand at Sarah when he answered it.
Yellow.
Oh, hey hon, what’s up?
No.
No.
No.
Absolutely not.
Okay, that sounds reasonable.
Uh-huh, not a problem.
Yes I understand... I’ll wear a tie.
Fine, no tie!
No, seriously, I get it.
Alright, fine…no…. I’ll talk to you later.
“Good news?” Sarah asked.
“Not really, just Heather. She wants me to go to her brothers wedding.”
“That’s understandable.”
“That’s what I said. Then she wanted to make sure I would dress nice and I said I would. Y’know I told her I’d even wear a tie, but it’s not a “tie” kind of wedding, whatever that means. So I said fine, no tie. Of course now, I have no idea what kind of wedding it is, other than no ties.”
“It’s just a casual wedding.”
“Yeah, but what kind of casual? Hawaiian shirt casual? Jeans casual? I’ve got nothing to work with.”
“Well at least it sounds like it’s going well with Heather.”
“Is it now?”
“You have pet names and everything, I think it’s cute.”
“The hell you talking about?”
“You called her “hon” when you answered the phone.”
“Yeah, as in Attila.”
“Oh stop being such a jerk all the time.” Sarah drank some iced tea in an attempt to sway the conversation back on
herself. “So, are you going to watch Chuck for me?”
“No. Didn’t we already settle that?”
“How can you be so goddamn selfish all the time? I mean, how often to I ask you for anything, and then I ask you for one favor and it’s “’no, no, no, all the time.’ You’re such a prick.”
“How am I being selfish, you’re the one asking me to do something for you. Seems like you’re the selfish one.”
“Yeah, whatever Harry.” Sarah said in disgust.
The conversation carried on awkwardly for a few more minutes until Sarah made an excuse to leave. Harry didn’t mind.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Yield
Here's a thought, if you don't know what "yield" means, maybe you shouldn't have a drivers license.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
One Step Forward, Two Steps Back...
So I gave up coffee last week, thinking that having too many chemicals in my system isn’t necessarily a good thing. I figure that having a little less caffeine flowing through my veins would be a logical thing to do.
If I had to choose between cutting back on coffee or alcohol, it’s just easier to do the coffee. I only have so much will power to use during the day, and I get to start the day with a full measure. Thus, making little sacrifices in the morning is relatively easy. Not having, say, chocolate cake and beer for breakfast is an easy sacrifice. But at the end of the day my will power allotment for the day has been at least partially spent on the little annoyances of daily life. Y’know, just the small stuff, like not letting out a scream of primal rage when I’m driving on the freeway, or throwing the business end of my boot at the newscasters on tv. But, if at the end of the day, I want a beer and a cookie. WELL MAYBE I’VE EARNED MY GODDAMN BEER AND COOKIE!!!! So to speak.
Y’know what I get for my morning sacrifice? I figured I’d feel a little better by the end of the week. Like I cleaned out the gunk in my system with all the water I drank instead of my daily coffee. Not colonic clean, but something nice and pleasant.
Nope, all I got was an afternoon headache. Each and every day. So I don’t think I’m going to be trying to improve myself again any time soon.
If I had to choose between cutting back on coffee or alcohol, it’s just easier to do the coffee. I only have so much will power to use during the day, and I get to start the day with a full measure. Thus, making little sacrifices in the morning is relatively easy. Not having, say, chocolate cake and beer for breakfast is an easy sacrifice. But at the end of the day my will power allotment for the day has been at least partially spent on the little annoyances of daily life. Y’know, just the small stuff, like not letting out a scream of primal rage when I’m driving on the freeway, or throwing the business end of my boot at the newscasters on tv. But, if at the end of the day, I want a beer and a cookie. WELL MAYBE I’VE EARNED MY GODDAMN BEER AND COOKIE!!!! So to speak.
Y’know what I get for my morning sacrifice? I figured I’d feel a little better by the end of the week. Like I cleaned out the gunk in my system with all the water I drank instead of my daily coffee. Not colonic clean, but something nice and pleasant.
Nope, all I got was an afternoon headache. Each and every day. So I don’t think I’m going to be trying to improve myself again any time soon.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Letter
Dear *****,
Hey, I know it’s been a long time, but I thought it would be nice to write a letter like in the old days. I know you always liked it better when I wrote letters and you got to get something in the mail. I guess it feels like more of an effort than an email or phone call. I suppose I agree; though my laziness always worked against me on it.
I’m not really sure what to say here. Hell, I doubt that I’ll ever send this letter anyway, or at least not until it’s too late.
I heard you got married! How about that? Seems so crazy looking back that you could possibly be married now. It just doesn’t seem like that long ago when we were together and the idea of settling down was so far away. Time’s catching up with me I guess, but I’m in a strict state of denial.
I hope that you found someone who appreciates you. You are a special person and I hope that you have finally learned to accept it. You spent too many years selling yourself short, and I hope your new life is a step beyond that. And stop shaking your head. I know you are! I remember you well, and how modest you’ve always been.
Well, I know that we left each other on less than ideal terms. So what I really think this letter should be about is how sorry I am. I mean, I know that I wasn’t always the best to you, and especially at the end. I think I was so afraid of losing you that I got jealous. And yeah, I suppose that jealous would be an understatement. But for all those times I made you crazy, I want to apologize. I was young and stupid, and while that’s not an excuse, I just want you to know that I know better now.
Truth be told I don’t know if I could’ve been any better to you later on. But now it doesn’t matter. You’re married, and I hope it’s a good one. And I’m kinda sick, and it doesn’t look like I’ll be getting any better.
I just wanted you to know that I’ve always hoped for the best for you, no matter what. Even in those days I carried my love for you, even when you left me. Especially when you left me. I know I didn’t show it at the time.
So thank you for all of the days you spent with me, and the good times we had. I think we had some good times, despite the bad end. I try to think about them sometimes, I hope you don’t mind. And I wanted to thank you, as my goodbye.
All My Love,
*************
P.S.
I know that you are going to hate that I didn’t leave a forwarding address, but it’s best you don’t contact me. The rest of my story isn’t going to be a pretty one. Please understand.
Hey, I know it’s been a long time, but I thought it would be nice to write a letter like in the old days. I know you always liked it better when I wrote letters and you got to get something in the mail. I guess it feels like more of an effort than an email or phone call. I suppose I agree; though my laziness always worked against me on it.
I’m not really sure what to say here. Hell, I doubt that I’ll ever send this letter anyway, or at least not until it’s too late.
I heard you got married! How about that? Seems so crazy looking back that you could possibly be married now. It just doesn’t seem like that long ago when we were together and the idea of settling down was so far away. Time’s catching up with me I guess, but I’m in a strict state of denial.
I hope that you found someone who appreciates you. You are a special person and I hope that you have finally learned to accept it. You spent too many years selling yourself short, and I hope your new life is a step beyond that. And stop shaking your head. I know you are! I remember you well, and how modest you’ve always been.
Well, I know that we left each other on less than ideal terms. So what I really think this letter should be about is how sorry I am. I mean, I know that I wasn’t always the best to you, and especially at the end. I think I was so afraid of losing you that I got jealous. And yeah, I suppose that jealous would be an understatement. But for all those times I made you crazy, I want to apologize. I was young and stupid, and while that’s not an excuse, I just want you to know that I know better now.
Truth be told I don’t know if I could’ve been any better to you later on. But now it doesn’t matter. You’re married, and I hope it’s a good one. And I’m kinda sick, and it doesn’t look like I’ll be getting any better.
I just wanted you to know that I’ve always hoped for the best for you, no matter what. Even in those days I carried my love for you, even when you left me. Especially when you left me. I know I didn’t show it at the time.
So thank you for all of the days you spent with me, and the good times we had. I think we had some good times, despite the bad end. I try to think about them sometimes, I hope you don’t mind. And I wanted to thank you, as my goodbye.
All My Love,
*************
P.S.
I know that you are going to hate that I didn’t leave a forwarding address, but it’s best you don’t contact me. The rest of my story isn’t going to be a pretty one. Please understand.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Breakfast
I went out to breakfast and had a fallopian tube conversation with the waitress when I ordered. Mind you, this was not my idea.
Besides, the only role I can play in a fallopian tube discussion is that of a listener. But before breakfast?
People are interesting...
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