Q&A

I realize that many people are completely enamored with me and have many questions that they would love to ask if only I granted them an audience. Since I’m quite obviously never going to be able to bestow that honor on many people, I’ve decided to tackle some of the more common questions for all to share. You’re Welcome!

Q: Why do you resent pedestrians?

A: I don’t resent them, I just believe that the laws of physics supersede the laws of men.

Q: Is it true that you’re in love with yourself?

A: Great question, it’s a common misconception, but it’s actually everybody else who is in love with me. I think I’m pretty okay.

Q: What makes you think you’re so badass?

A: A lifetime of experience in badassery.

Q: You seem very judgmental, do you really believe that it’s your job to tell everybody else what to do?

A: Let me just start off by saying that I really do enjoy doing charity work, so it never feels like a job at all. I like to help people reach their potential, and it’s important to me personally to give back to the community.

Q: Are there any people you look up to, or are you so self-centered that you think you’re above everybody?

A: I look up to many of people; I’m not particularly tall.

Q: I think you’re incredibly arrogant to think that all women are completely in love with you. What gives you the right to treat people that way? Prick!

A: I’m simply playing the percentages here; it’s truly nothing personal. It’s a little known FACT that 87% of all women have a deep-seated desire to see me naked. It is so little known that a large portion of these women aren’t even aware of it. I don’t argue with the science, I just live it.

Q: Do you have any ambition in your pathetic little life?

A: I do have a few goals left to achieve. One thing I’d like is to give the Pope an opportunity to meet me. I think that would be a gratifying experience for him.

Q: Have you ever heard of a “God Complex?”

A: As I recall, it’s one of the prerequisites for running for president.

Q: If you’re so great, why are you going to die alone?

A: Mostly luck, but I appreciate alone time when I can get it. Don’t worry, in the future I’ll discuss how you can be more like me.

Q: Are you willing to take anybody else’s advice?

A: I work really hard not to. I don’t want people to get the wrong impression and think they are doing things well. Self-esteem is important, but sometimes tough love is just as crucial.


I hope that this has been as enlightening and helpful for you as I intended it to be. Please keep sending in your questions and I will try to waste my time on you at my next opportunity.

I read good

Why is it that I feel guilty wasting an evening watching television or a movie, but I don’t feel nearly as bad spending those same four hours reading a book? The only thing I can think of is some false ideology ingrained from my youth. When I was a kid we were always told that reading was good, while watching TV was bad. Aren’t they really the same thing? If I spend several hours reading a book, I get exactly as much accomplished as if I was watching a movie. Less really, if you consider how far along I get in the storyline.

And don’t give me any of the “but you use your imagination” while reading nonsense. The suspension of disbelief to accept that the fat awkward looking guy is married to the unfairly gorgeous gal in EVERY GODDAMN SITCOM is stretching my imagination about as far as it can go. A story is a story, and whether you’re following actors playing a scene or reading the play, it all ends the same.

I’m not saying that television is better than reading a novel. My point is that in the end you accomplish the exact same thing. Unproductive time dedicated to entertainment. Fair enough. But I still feel better at the end of the day if I wasted time reading than other things. It don’t make no sense, ya’ll.

Here's the thing...

I know that I've espoused my hilariousness, and it's absolutely true. However...

You either get my humor or you don't. And it's not "I don't know why he thinks that's funny." It's "what the hell is wrong with that guy?"

I recognize this, and I don't care.

Don't care much, never did.

I’m oddly comfortable hurting people’s feelings.

Please don’t misunderstand me, I’m not some sadistic schmuck who gets his kicks making children cry. Truth be told I don’t like to hurt people’s feelings at all, it just doesn’t bother me when I do. If circumstances arise in which, for whatever reason, some gets hurt… I’m okay with that. It would be fair to call me insensitive.

There are three basic reasons for my comfort:

1) I am completely unwilling to walk on eggshells for other people and I have a sense of humor. Everything seems to be a sensitive topic these days, as I’ve mentioned time and again. I don’t understand why people like to blow things out of proportion based on some subjective “political correctness.” Something has to be specifically, intentionally, and maliciously offensive for me to even notice.

On the same vein, I try to keep my sense of humor about things. Life is far too long and absurd not to elicit an occasional chuckle. Everything can be funny in the right context; you just have to be willing to accept it. Cancer can be downright hilarious, particularly in conversations with cancer patients. I understand that there is certainly a time and place for everything, but in that right time and place nothing is off limits.

2) People need to calm. The fuck. Down.

This is probably the root cause of my insensitivity, and at the heart of my humor. Seriously folks, if you happen to randomly hear someone tell a retard joke and you just happen to have a retarded kid back at home, rest assured they were not talking about you. Mental retardation is pretty damn tragic… and hilarious. Again: context. Take a moment to laugh, your kid’s too dumb to be offended.

Try to remember that most conversations are about general life situations. It seems that many people are so self-centered that they think everything relates to them. And if these people want to be offended, and rest assured there is a large and loud section of the population constantly on the prowl to do just that, they’ll find a reason to get upset. And if you’re one of those people, I’ll be happy to oblige because I don’t give a shit.

3) I’m a bad person.

You’ve probably been thinking of this the entire time. “He doesn’t care about other people? What an asshole!”

Yep.