Sometimes

I think that sex should be harder to do.

I saw guy jaywalk with a stroller across an active 4 lane street. This would be fine if there wasn't several cars right in his vicinity. It would make some semblance of sense if the crosswalk was more than 50 feet away. (He was jogging, it was one of those active strollers so presumably he was going for exercise.)

It makes you wonder if this guy should be allowed to use his penis. Maybe you should have to pass a "not a complete dumbass" test or something before being allowed to procreate.

I'm that guy

Look, I know that I make fun of modern “music” quite a bit. And it is a little unfair, since I never listen to it. I’ll hear a song here or there, and think about how hell can’t be that bad, if this is what we have to go through now. But since I don’t watch MTV or listen to the radio, I really am in the dark about these things.

Well, today I expanded my horizons by listening to the radio on my drive to work. I had an audiobook to listen to for awhile, but when it ended I didn’t feel like fumbling through cd’s on the freeway. So I switched to FM and scanned through the stations. Maybe one in five stations wasn’t playing a commercial at any given time, and one in five of those was worth listening to. That’s one in 25 stations people, and I’m pretty sure there are only 20 or so stations that you can get at a time anyway.

It’s really appalling the crap people listen to nowadays. Seriously? This is hip hop? It ain’t hip and I ain’t hopping. Pop music? Who made this stuff popular?

Needless to say that after I confirmed that my ears were not actually bleeding, I put in some cd’s for the ride home.

Two Reasons

... I should start home brewing beer. It combines two of my main hobbies.

1) Drinking

2) Buying shit I don't really need.

Word of the Day

Rotund

Sometimes after an evening of overindulging in food and drink, I feel like a Buddha. And not in a spiritual way.

Rotund.

She's Out of Your League

Has anybody read any of these scientific reports that prove definitively that beautiful women are unhealthy? In a way, they literally break your heart. Attractive women are shown to increase the cortisol levels in men, which has been linked to heart disease along with many other unfortunate maladies.

The men reading this are not surprised that women are linked to a stress hormone.

Oops

It's come to my attention that lately my blog has not been very friendly to vegetarians. If you're offended please pretend that recent pictures were of molded soy products that were photoshopped to look authentic.

In other news I plan on eating some juicy, tasty, dead cow later this evening.

Cheers,

Management

Note to the kids...

...who think that life is some long and epic journey. They sure do like to sound wise, don't they?

It isn't, life is short and full of whatever you fill it with. There's good times, bad times, and the mundane times. I'm always tempted to be honest with kids when they say things like that, but tend not to follow through. I mean, it would be unkind to take away their disillusionment with the obvious facts surrounding us all, wouldn't it?

I'm not saying that life is a pile of shit either. But stop thinking that it's some merry-go-round and then get disappointed. Just face the days you have and start living. Reality has plenty of perks to play with.

Swine

For crying out loud...

Let’s talk about why having a child to save a failing relationship is a bad idea:

· Yeah, kids are a miracle and spawn mysterious feelings of love and blah, blah, blah. They are also a giant pain in the ass.

· If your relationship is tense, the lack of sleep is probably not going to calm things down.

· Do you think your girl is crazy? Let’s see what she looks like on hormones.

· Think your man is afraid of commitment? See how he acts when you drop a $100,000 dollar responsibility in his lap.

· Distractions are never solutions. Though an infant is a hell of a distraction. Points for going all out.

· You’re still going to worry about your kid when he’s 30.

· Parents who fight have kids who fight. Then the kids have kids with people they fight with, spawning another generation of people who piss me off.

· Birth is gross. Watch some Discovery if you don’t believe me. Afterbirth is more gross, however.

· Caesarean is the new midwife. Scar much?

· If you don’t have the stones to deal with relationship problems, you aren’t ready to have a conversation with a 4 year old. They ask the hard questions.

· Pissed off parents are bad parents. And I already don’t like kids, so cut me some slack.

This little piggy...

Getting Old

People get mad at me for talking about getting old. But since I'm falling apart to a degree where I'm unlikely to see my mid-thirties, back off. If I were a horse they'd have put me down already.

One example I've noticed recently is that I've changed how I put shorts on. I used to hold my shorts with both hands, then lean down to step one leg in at a time. This should be a pretty natural maneuver for most of you. Putting on pants isn't all that complex.

However, I've moved beyond that simple procedure and have added a lazy balance element. Instead of holding my clothing and stepping into them, I now dangle the shorts by one side and try to put my first leg in on the swing. This saves me from bending over the 4 inches to reach down to stepping distance.

Why do I go through this, you ask? Because I'm getting old...