Vodka

On this list of things that should never be, flavored vodka is on the first page. It’s pretty ridiculous. I mean, the whole point to vodka is that you can put it into anything and have a “vodka X” that’s delicious. That and your boss/wife/slave owner can’t smell it on your breath.

What’s the most common one, orange flavored vodka? You could do that, or put your regular vodka into orange juice. Sure could, it’s a brand new drink called a “screwdriver.” I wonder what kind of genius came up with that. And that goes for all the fruit flavors. If you can find a juice for the flavor, you can just add vodka and viola! It’s a miracle! No need to buy an extra bottle of weakened vodka! Raspberry! Strawberry! Myrtle Berry! Peach! Regret! (tastes like copper)

The only one that almost makes sense is vanilla, since most people don’t have vanilla beans lying around. Vanilla extract isn’t so bad, but you have to be really careful with that stuff. But you don’t really need a vanilla vodka, do you? You don’t want to drink an ice cream flavored alcohol, it’s pedophilic.

Look, vodka is the equalizer of liquors, so vaginafying it with flavors is morally repugnant. Whiskey is a male drink. Rum is a female drink. And don’t think I’m being sexist either, it’s more of a language thing. Think of how “table” is feminine in Spanish, it’s not a testament to any kind of real sexuality. But vodka (and to a lesser degree gin) are androgynous liquors, so removing them from our repertoire is unfair. We need our unifying spirits. I mean really, it’s not like us drunks ask for all that much.

I understand that people want weak drinks. It’s like the people who add coffee to their milk and sugar. It’s idiotic, but hey, at least you almost look like an adult. But there’s no reason to take my vodka away from me, we can already make sissy drinks out of it! This is an unnecessary and wasteful product, and I’m taking a moral stand against the whole “flavored liquor*” movement.

* I’m giving a pass to liqueurs, since that’s what they were made for.