Win-Win

     Do you ever wonder about what’s wrong with you? And I don’t mean to insinuate that something is wrong with you. I mean to clearly say that there is something wrong with you. I’m astounded by the sheer volume of things wrong with. Welcome to the club.

      Don’t worry, there are also things that aren’t wrong with you, perhaps even right with you.

      Well, I have been known for self-reflective moments and on occasion do contemplate my faults. I have a goodly number, many of which involve self-. Self-destructive, self-aggrandizing, self-ish, serf-ish, and so on. But none of those have caught my attention recently. Maybe I’m just getting older and miss having potential, but I think my biggest fault is that I hate to lose.

      That’s true and misleading, because I do hate to lose, but not because I hate it. I’m afraid to lose, and I hate being scared. I prefer hate to fear, I’ve always found it to be more useful.

      Let’s get one thing out of the way; of course I like to win. Everybody likes winning, and many people love it. I don’t love winning, but it does give temporary relief. Once upon a time I was a real bad sport about losing. I’d whine when my grandmother was kicking my rear in a board game until she finally allowed me to win. Turns out my stubbornness at age 4 was an adversary to be reckoned with. I’m no longer that bad. I’m never mad at other people for winning, I’m simply mad at myself for losing. Being that I’m no longer 4, bitching doesn’t seem to help anymore.

      I hate bitching.

      I’d like to say that I use my hatred of losing as motivation to succeed. Isn’t that the lie professional athletes tell before signing multi-million dollar contracts? It’s all about winning? Not for me, it’s only about not losing. Losing is the operative term, as it were. And the easiest way not to lose is not to play. And that’s the shame of it all, because the easy road is... well... easy. And I never lose.