Omnivores

I don’t like vegetarianism, or for the most part vegetarians. And I’m morally opposed to vegans. Let’s be serious here, there is nothing you can eat that doesn’t involve death. It’s the reprocessing of organic material. Nothing survives your gastric juices. Not carrots or dogs or hopes and dreams. Hell, if you swallow a penny it ain’t coming out pretty.

The way I figure, there are only a couple reasons not to eat meat. First is the idea that you don’t want to kill any animals because of some idiotic moral notion. The continuous breeding and slaughter of corn notwithstanding, shut the hell up. You may not hear your carrots screaming as your rip through their bodies, but everytime they get pulled from the earth they start to wither and die. What about sunflower seeds? You’re eating babies people! Babies! Think about that next time you judge my gratuitous cut of delicious cow.

And vegans, goddamn you. No animal products? Here’s what you get when you refuse to use dairy products: cows with sore udders. Congratulations for the extra suffering of an entire species! Generations of heifers are being turned into belts so you can feel better about your sad sickly body. On top of that you look like cancer patients and smell like cadavers. Great trade, I’m proud of you.

The only other reason I hear is that people don’t like to eat meat for “health reasons.” Health reasons! So you go on a ridiculous search for the proper mix of beans and weeds to poorly mimic complex proteins. Apparently it also damages your olfactory senses you methane producing herbivores. You go through all that wasted effort and I’ll go eat some bacon. Greasy, fatty, delicious swine. And I’m going to pretend that my bacon came from some prized family pet with puppy dog eyes and a name. Why? Because that way precious porky’s life ended with a purpose. If only we could all be so lucky.

This whole vegetarian/vegan lifestyle is an insult to the evolution of our species. Next time you go to the dentist ask them which of your teeth are designed for the tearing of flesh. Nice, juicy, bloody flesh of the innocent. Then go and find a stupid goat or something and have a nice game of compare and contrast. Have some self-respect people. “Omnivore” is a scientific definition, not a lifestyle choice.

Now some people may find my position a wee bit offensive, maybe a bit over the top. People get to make their own life decisions, and who am I to judge them? I’m not retarded, that’s who I am. I’m not going to lobby for the government to require sirloin quotas or anything. But that doesn’t mean you aren’t an idiot.