Q&A

I realize that many people are completely enamored with me and have many questions that they would love to ask if only I granted them an audience. Since I’m quite obviously never going to be able to bestow that honor on many people, I’ve decided to tackle some of the more common questions for all to share. You’re Welcome!

Q: Why do you resent pedestrians?

A: I don’t resent them, I just believe that the laws of physics supersede the laws of men.

Q: Is it true that you’re in love with yourself?

A: Great question, it’s a common misconception, but it’s actually everybody else who is in love with me. I think I’m pretty okay.

Q: What makes you think you’re so badass?

A: A lifetime of experience in badassery.

Q: You seem very judgmental, do you really believe that it’s your job to tell everybody else what to do?

A: Let me just start off by saying that I really do enjoy doing charity work, so it never feels like a job at all. I like to help people reach their potential, and it’s important to me personally to give back to the community.

Q: Are there any people you look up to, or are you so self-centered that you think you’re above everybody?

A: I look up to many of people; I’m not particularly tall.

Q: I think you’re incredibly arrogant to think that all women are completely in love with you. What gives you the right to treat people that way? Prick!

A: I’m simply playing the percentages here; it’s truly nothing personal. It’s a little known FACT that 87% of all women have a deep-seated desire to see me naked. It is so little known that a large portion of these women aren’t even aware of it. I don’t argue with the science, I just live it.

Q: Do you have any ambition in your pathetic little life?

A: I do have a few goals left to achieve. One thing I’d like is to give the Pope an opportunity to meet me. I think that would be a gratifying experience for him.

Q: Have you ever heard of a “God Complex?”

A: As I recall, it’s one of the prerequisites for running for president.

Q: If you’re so great, why are you going to die alone?

A: Mostly luck, but I appreciate alone time when I can get it. Don’t worry, in the future I’ll discuss how you can be more like me.

Q: Are you willing to take anybody else’s advice?

A: I work really hard not to. I don’t want people to get the wrong impression and think they are doing things well. Self-esteem is important, but sometimes tough love is just as crucial.


I hope that this has been as enlightening and helpful for you as I intended it to be. Please keep sending in your questions and I will try to waste my time on you at my next opportunity.