Part 9

After a couple of minutes quietly drinking our coffee I ended up picking up the paper. It seemed like our little conversation was over so I browsed through the sports section. My head wasn’t really in it, but it gave me something to do. I didn’t want to piss of Ella because of something as stupid as an unsmoked pack of cigarettes.

Eventually Ella spoke up, “I kinda wanted to talk about something today, but I guess it’s probably not the right time.”

“What did you want to talk about?” I asked.

“I don’t want to get into it if you’re in a bad mood already, with the whole Mike thing yesterday.”

“That was last night, it’d be good to get my mind onto something else anyway. Everything okay?”

“Yeah, I was just thinking about some stuff.”

“Kay, what kind of stuff?” I asked.

“Not here,” she said. “Let’s go out for breakfast.”

So we did. We went to a little locally owned diner that was our usual breakfast destination. Going out twice in one week was a bit much for us, but it was a nice change of pace. I ordered the same omelette that I always get, with sundried tomatoes, bacon, and three kinds of cheese topped with avocado slices. I’d be regretting it all day, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it. Ella got a stack of their wheat germ pancakes and a bowl of fresh fruit. Needless to say I’m the one carrying a life insurance policy.

After we had our orders in and got our coffee I couldn’t wait any longer. “So, what’s up?”

“I’ve just been thinking about things. Thought maybe we could talk about some stuff, it just seems like its time.”

At that she went silent and just stared at her coffee. I never know what to do when she gets like this. Sometimes I think I should just give her time to settle down, let her speak at her own pace. Other times I want to talk and try to help her carry the conversation along, so she doesn’t feel like she has to it alone. But the truth is I still can’t figure out what she wants me to do. I know you want to keep some mystery alive in a relationship, but I don’t think this is what they mean.

“I was just thinking that we’re getting older now, and like you said the other day things just seem to be going the right direction,” she said. “And since we seem to have things pretty well under control, y’know, settled pretty good at work. For both of us.”

“We’re finally pretty stable, I guess.”

“Exactly, and things are going well and all. I mean, I’m moving up at work and should have enough seniority to start picking better shifts soon.”

“You gonna get off nights?”

“I might have to change departments, but hopefully. It might be worth it.”

“That sounds great honey. You’ve been wanted a more normal schedule for awhile.”

“Yeah, it could be good. But, well, how’s work been going for you?”

“Same old. Fine. We’ve been keeping busy but it isn’t overwhelming or anything. I could probably go out and drum up some more business, probably should. It’s a living.”

“You were talking about buying out that branch.”

“Sure, but it may not really be worth it. I’d have to separate from all of Ron’s other stuff, and it’d be a whole lot more work. It would probably be more money, but not too much. Plus I’d have to get my own tax guy and insurance and stuff.”

“Would Ron let you go?” Ella asked.

“Doubt he’d really care. He’s been semi-retired for a couple years now, probably walk away completely pretty soon. He’s been thinking about selling out the whole thing.”

“He could have you take over.”

“Could, but I doubt it. He’s got that nephew I told you about working one of the other branches. I’m guessing he’d end up running it if Ron decides to go that route.”

“Would he stop you from leaving?”

“Don’t see how he could. You mean Ron not sell the branch to me because of his nephew?” She nodded. “I s’pose it’s possible, but I’m on pretty could terms with the kid and I don’t think he’d care. It’s not enough of the business to affect their bottom line too much. I dunno, I’ve also been toying with the idea of freelancing.”

“I didn’t know you were thinking about that.”

“Sure, it’s crossed my mind. More lately, but it isn’t like I’ve got any plans laid out or anything. I think I could probably make it work.”

“Could we afford it?” she asked.

“I’d have some clients follow me, but it would probably be tight for awhile. I’d have to work from home, which would be different but should be doable. I mean, I haven’t done the numbers and really looked at it or anything. But I’ve got some ideas that I think could work.”

“That sounds really good, you should run the numbers and see if we could do it.”

“You think? I’ve been playing around with the idea but never mentioned it because it was just an idea, y’know. You really think I should? Is that what you wanted to talk about, work?”

“No,” she said. “Well, kinda I guess. It’s part of it.”

Just then the food arrived. My meal looked a whole lot better than hers, but she’d be feeling better all day long. Pick your demon.

“Well, what did you want to talk about?” I asked as I started attacking my eggs.

While she was pouring syrup on her pancakes she said, “I was thinking about transferring to the maternity ward.”

“Is that where you’ll get the better shifts?”

“Probably not right away, but pretty soon I think.”

“Sounds like it could be good.”

“Yeah, and it’d be nice to have some change. Less death during the day, get to focus on happier things.”

“I’ll bet.”

“And I was also thinking that they treat you really well over there if you’re pregnant. I think it sets some of the patients at ease, they kind of like it if the nurses look like that know what their going through.”

“Makes sense, sure.” I could guess where this was leading.

“And like I said, we’re getting older, so maybe it’s time to start talking about starting a family.”

“I see.” I said.

“You’re not happy.”

“It’s not that, just sorta caught me off guard a little bit.”
“We’ve talked about it before.” She said.

“I know…”

“And you said that you wanted to have kids someday.”

“I know I did, and I do…”

“We’ve been putting it off for awhile now.”

“I know, but…”

“And I don’t know how we can be any more ready if you think about it. Especially if you end up working from home, that could be perfect.”

I smiled, Ella was in full on defensive mode and there was no way I was going to get her off point. I know this tone all too well.

Truth is I wasn’t sure that I wanted to talk her down, it just was so far from my mind with all the other stuff going on. I didn’t feel ready to start having kids, I mean, how could I be a father? But I don’t think I’ll ever really feel ready, or any more ready. So I asked.

“Do you really think we’re ready?”

“I’m ready.” She said.

“And you’re sure? It’s a big step, it’s a goddamn leap.”

“I’m positive,” and she sounded it.

“But how can you know?”

“I just do, it feels right. I don’t know how to describe it, I just feel maternal, and ready. I just know it’s the right time.”

I mulled that around a bit and kept eating.

“What are you thinking?” she asked. My silence was making her nervous.

“Do you think I’m ready?” I asked.

“You’ll make a great daddy.”

“I don’t know about that.”

“I do.”

“I just keep thinking I’d spend the whole time trying not to be my parents.”

“I wonder about that too, cause I don’t want to be like my mom. I think that I can do better, like learn from her mistakes. And hopefully I can do the things she did well just as good, and do the things she didn’t do right the right way. I don’t know, but I still know it’s time to try.”

“I don’t know that I’m really ready, but I don’t know that you can ever be really ready.”

“We can be prepared, and I think we are. As well as you can be, at least. We can do this.” And her eyes looked almost pleading.

“I know you can, and I’ll just have to try not to fuck it all up.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“Oh, I just might.”

“So you think, y’know, maybe…” and she started smiling.

“I think that we need to think about it. But not like in theory, but really think about it for now. I just need to get my head around it. Honestly, you got me flat-footed here. You’ve been thinking about this for awhile now, haven’t you?”

“It’s been on my mind.”

“Y’know, you could have eased me into it a bit.”

“I am easing you in. It’s just sort of hit me real hard recently, I really want a baby, Will.”

“Just give me a couple of days to figure it out, it’s a big deal. I’m not stalling, I just need to think.”

“That’s all I’m asking.”

“You’ll make a great mother.”

She smiled. “You’ll be a great daddy, just wait and see.”