Tommy

Whoever decided to decorate this room had some very specific ideas in mind. Sitting on the soft yet uncomfortable chair, you can almost hear the conversation.
“I want to show that I am intelligent and successful.”
“A large opulent oak desk sets that tone.”
“Perfect, that’s exactly what I was thinking. And I want a big bookcase in the corner there, and a buffet where I can put up my degrees. It can’t be all business though, I want people to remember that I’m still young and hip, it needs to be professional but still have some sex appeal.”
“I like where you’re going, something fun and sassy, but with class…”
“Exactly.”
And what did they come up with? A big intimidating desk that dominates the room surrounded by other huge unnecessary pieces of furniture. But there was also nice picture of a pink flower on one of the walls. And little porcelain horses, all in magnificent poses. This was a room with a split personality, and Tommy didn’t think he liked either of them.
His mother was still in the lobby talking to Dr. Ashley. They told him to sit inside and wait, and he felt uncomfortable. Tommy is 15 years old and while he thinks himself old enough to be manly from time to time, this was not one of those times. The huge desk was intimidated him and he felt like it was oppressing the rest of the room. The degrees on the buffet were staring at him, looking down on him really.
What could they be talking about? Tommy wondered. But he knew the answer really, though he couldn’t understand it. His mother was telling Dr. Ashley what was wrong with him, so that she could make the correct psychoanalysis. His mom should know, she’s seen more shrinks than anyone else he ever heard of. She liked reading about different personality disorders online, and self-diagnosing. At a certain point she ran out of complications, and now it was Tommy’s turn to be fixed.
He didn’t want to be here.


“Thanks for waiting, Tommy” the young doctor said. “How are you feeling today?”
“Umm, okay I guess.”
“Good, I’m glad you made time to come in to see me today, it seems like we have a lot to talk about.”
Tommy didn’t know what they could possibly have to talk about, so he didn’t respond. All he was thinking about was Dr. Ashley’s low cut blouse. He was only fifteen, and really had no choice in the matter. God had been overly generous with the young doctor, and she apparently wanted to show it off. Tommy wondered if she knew that most overweight people have large breasts like hers, so it really wasn’t such a big deal. But he couldn’t stop looking, even though he wanted to.
Ashley smiled, she liked being looked at, even if it was just from a boy. There is something good about being desired.
“What do you think we should talk about Tommy?”
“Dunno, what do you want to talk about?”
“Well we’re here for you today, and your mother said that you have some things on your mind. Do you?”
“I guess.”
“Like what?”
“Nothing in particular, really. I dunno. I think I’m not really sure what I’m here to talk about, so if mom said there’s something we should talk about, we should talk about that.”
“Let’s talk about your depression then.”
Tommy didn’t really understand the term depression. Well, that’s not quite true, he understood the term just fine. He wasn’t sure what to feel about it though. Was he depressed? He supposed that he wasn’t particularly happy all the time.
“She said I’m depressed?”
“Yes Tommy, she says that you’re withdrawn and don’t have any friends.”
“I have some friends, I mean, not a lot I suppose. But I talk to some people at school and all.”
“That’s good Tommy, it’s good that you have some friends. I have lots of friends myself, and I can always look to them for help when I’m down in the dumps. And from what I’ve heard, you are a bit down, aren’t you?”
Am I? “I guess.”
“So what is it about your father that seems to be making your life so difficult?”
“Dad?”
“Your father is obviously difficult for you to deal with, your mother filled me in on all of the details. It’s okay to be upset with him, we can talk about it.”
Tommy’s father wasn’t a particularly upsetting person, he didn’t really inspire any kind of emotion. He was just Dad, and that seemed like all he needed to be.
“What am I supposed to be upset about?”
“Come on Tommy, I think we both know what the problems are. We just need to dig deep and really explore where these feelings stem from, so that we know how to deal with them.” Dr Ashley sat patiently, waiting for Tommy to begin his catharsis. It was always her favorite part.
“Umm… Am I supposed to be mad or something?”
“You can be.”
“Okay,” Tommy thought for awhile, trying to figure out what he was mad about today. “Do I have to be?”
“You have to deal with your anger Tommy, and I will not let you be afraid. I’m right here with you, and we will work it out together.”
“Thanks…”
“Now let’s talk about your anger, and why you are having such trouble with your father.”
Tommy was more than just a little confused. He wasn’t ever particularly close to his father, at least not in the let’s play catch in the backyard kind of thing. But they seemed to get along alright he thought. At least they didn’t fight about things as much as some of his friends fought with their folks. They lived in the same house and dealt with each other. Tommy wondered what his father was doing wrong, so that he could tell Dr. Ashley what he was mad about.
“I’m not sure what to say.”
“Just let it out Tommy, say what you need to say.”
“Umm…”
“C’mon Tommy, I’m here to help you. We can trust each other here, this room is a very safe and warm place for people to share. You can tell me anything and I won’t be mad. Just let it all out.”
Tommy felt like crying, but not because he was angry. He thought if he cried he wouldn’t have to talk anymore. He sometimes did that with his mother. She’d push and push about this or that, and he’d just cry. He didn’t have any reason to cry per se, but she seemed to feel that whatever was wrong was suddenly solved. And if mom feels better, Tommy thought, then I must feel better.
But would this work with Dr. Ashley? People must cry here all the time, there’s a box of tissues on the desk and everything. He wasn’t sure he really should cry for a complete stranger, at least not without having a good reason.
“Okay Tommy, I’ll start. Your father is not a very strong man, and he doesn’t show you enough attention, is that right?”
“Okay?”
“And all you really want is for him to act more like your father and less like your friend, and to show you some boundaries. Are we getting closer?”
To what? He wondered.
“I guess.”
“So you feel like your father is not in control, which makes you feel like you aren’t in control. And this is hard and makes you feel lots of things. You’re angry.”
He knew she was waiting for an answer, so he looked at his shoes. It seemed to work.
“And you’re sad.”
I should get new shoelaces, these are ratty.
“And you don’t know what to do.”
I do like the carpet though, so they did get something right with the room.
“And everything feels like it’s spinning out of control.”
Carpet is nice, but it seems so much dirtier than wood floors. You can’t clean underneath the carpet, so stuff gets stuck and just stays there.
“And these feelings are overwhelming.”
I wonder if those steam cleaners really do a good job, wouldn’t that just make mold?
“Am I right Tommy?”
“Umm…okay I guess.”
“Life does seem difficult sometimes, doesn’t it?”
“Yeah.” And it did. Tommy was confused about lots of things. He was confused about his home life, and apparently he was angry. He was confused about why his mother wanted him to see this doctor, and he was really confused by what they were talking about. Life is damn confusing, he thought. Maybe this doctor is on to something.
“So what should we do about it?”
“About life being hard?”
“Yes.”
“I dunno,” he mumbled. He really didn’t.
“Well we’ll just have to find a way to make you happy again. Life is all about trying to be happy Tommy, and I think that I can help you feel happy. How does that sound?”
“Good.”
“You do want to be happy, don’t you?”
“It’d be alright I guess.”
“Good”
Dr. Ashley proceeded to write down notes in a leather bound notebook. Tommy was wondering how much it had cost, and whether the pages were lined or not. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do here, so he waited.
After Dr. Ashley left to go back to the lobby to talk to his mother he could make out bits and pieces of what they were saying, but never enough to make any sense of it. He thought that he may have understood anyway, he heard his mother talk about these things before.
“Distracted.” “Reserved.” “Won’t open up.” “Can’t share.” “Help.” “Young.”
Tommy thought about all these words he was hearing, wondering what kind of sentences they were part of. All he did know was that he was scared again in this big room. Whatever his mother and the doctor were talking about, he felt like it might be a big deal.