Part 8

I went to bed fairly early that night. I don’t really know how I was able to fall asleep like I did, with my mind running in circles. Usually that keeps me awake, but maybe this time it was just too much and my mind went into overload and it knocked me out. I don’t know if that ends up being any better, it wasn’t like I got a restful kind of sleep. The word fitful comes to mind.

I had noticed when Ella got home, but I was in half a daze when she did so I didn’t bother to get up. In the morning when I was making coffee I noticed the pack of cigarettes still sitting on the table and figured I was in for a lecture. Leaving those out was a bit of an asshole move on my part. But getting a lecture was just demeaning. I don’t care if I deserved it.

When I heard Ella start coming down the stairs I knew I was in for it. If there is one thing I’ve learned from marrying somebody in the medical professions it’s that they really don’t like tobacco companies.

“Mornin,” she said.

“Good morning,” I said back.

“Sleep well?”

“Not really.”

“Didn’t think so.”

“No?” I asked.

“You were tossing all night, kept me up.”

“Shit, I’m sorry hon. It was a rough night.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

“Nothing to talk about. Got into it a bit with Mike, and, y’know, got a little worked up I guess. No biggie.”

“Hmm… no biggie,” she mused. “What was it about?”

“Couldn’t tell you what started it.”

“You don’t remember?”

“Yeah,” I said. “It was one of those conversations that kind of snowballed.”

“Snowballed.”

“Yep.”

“I see.” Ella warmed her hands on the coffee mug she just filled. “What started the snowball?”

“Eh,” I shrugged. “Like I said, I don’t really remember. I probably hit a cord or something, the man can be a bit high strung.”

“Yeah, I’ve noticed that. And I’m guessing that’s your excuse for...” and she nodded at the pack of cigarettes.

I winced. “Pretty much. Felt like having a smoke for some reason, didn’t end up ever having any though.”

“Hmm, strange. Looks like you had at least one.”

“Nope, did throw one away though.” I said.

“Throw… one… away.” I hate when she enunciates like that.

“Yeah, call it a gift to the smoking gods. I had a buddy back in college who always did that. He always said he was quitting, though it didn’t seem to slow him down much. But as a punishment for every pack he bought he’d throw two away. He wouldn’t give them to anybody else; they had to be thrown away. It was the weirdest thing. I mean, buying the cigarettes in the first place was a waste of money, and we didn’t have much extra back in those days.”

“It is a waste of money.”

“Especially since I’ll end up throwing them all away.”

“Are you?”

“Unless you want them.”

“I think I’ll pas, thanks.”

“Then that’s the plan.”

“Hmm…” she muttered. “You know I hate those things. You don’t have to see what it does to people, the things I see. That’s not a kind of suffering you want to go through, and it’s not something I’m willing to go through with you.”

“You won’t, it was just a compulsion.”

“I want to be able to trust you on this. I don’t like the idea that this could become a regular… compulsion.”

“Well, I never even smoked one, so I don’t know what to tell you.” And I didn’t. It’s not like I could apologize for not smoking cigarettes.

“But you wanted to.”

“Not really.”

“You wanted to enough to go buy them.”

“Thought I wanted them.”

“And next time?” I shrugged. “What if you really want them next time?"

“Bridge I doubt I’ll need to cross.”

“I don’t like it.”

“I know you don’t hon, but it’s not going to happen again.”

“Hmm… is Mike okay?”

“He’ll be fine. I’m sorry hon, it’s just that Mike and I have history and with all that happened to his family. Y’know, it kinda bubbles up sometimes.“

“It’s been three years Will, he needs to move on.”

“Seems like yesterday and forever ago.”

“I miss Margot and Sarah too, but you need to get him help.”

“Ain’t gonna happen.”

“You need to make it happen.”

“What do you expect me to do? Tie him up and drag him to a shrink? Force him to talk about his feelings?”

“He needs help.”

“He needs to want help, there’s nothing I can do to get him there. It’s on his timetable, not mine.”

“You’re right, I know. I’m just worried he’s gonna drag you down with him. With the cigarettes and all.”

“Mike had nothing to do with that, I didn’t get them until I was on the way home. He was never a smoker anyway. It was just a dumb idea I had.”

“I know sweetie,” she said. “Life can be overwhelming sometimes. I just want you to be okay.”

“I’ll be fine.”