Can I hold your hand?

Do you ever think about touching? Physical contact is really an important part of human interaction. There are social, physical, and emotional aspects to contact. I wonder how often people actually consider the nature of touching, and how it affects their lives.

One of the reasons babies tend to be closer to their mothers, and adults as well I suppose, is because of the physical connection made during breastfeeding. Men in Arab nations often hold hands as a sign of friendship, with absolutely no sexual reference. Yet here in the States, holding hands has a much different connotation. Though even that’s not so simple, because spouses holding hands has a completely different meaning than a child holding their parent’s hand.

I suppose much of our physical contact is so ingrained in us from childhood that it’s hardly worth noting, though I believe you can learn a lot from people’s physical contact. You can get a sense of how close a couple is by how close they stand next to each other. Brushing someone’s hair over their ears is a pretty clear sign of comfort. When I’m talking about touching I’m really not referring to sexual contact, though that is obviously an important aspect. I don’t really want to delve into that issue because the ramifications are fairly obvious. I’m really more interested in the mental aspects of contact, and the connections we make.

I want you to try something with me. Take your thumb on your right hand and touch each of your fingertips in turn. One, two, three, four… one, two, three, four… one, two, three, four. What do you feel? The tips touching, right? Obvious. Thank you blogger for stating the obvious.

Now I want you to watch the top of your hand as you lower and raise each of your fingers in turn about ¾ of an inch. One, two, three, four… one, two, three, four… one, two, three, four. As you watch your fingers move, see the bones and ligaments moving under the skin. Can you feel as your veins move around the structure of your bones? I’ll bet you didn’t feel any of that motion in our first test, because you weren’t watching or thinking about it. And this is despite the fact that the actual motion is much smaller.

Our senses involve so much more than our conscious mind considers, and this is really by necessity. It’s like the email we’ve all received where a paragraph is written with no vowels, yet you can read the lines easily. We process and filter information at a much more complex level than we actively notice. Physical contact is very much the same; we process only what seems necessary. But that doesn’t mean that the things you aren’t focusing on aren’t happening, or that they don’t matter.

You should think about the contact you make with other people. Men in my culture don’t touch. Life long friends may shake hands, or at best hug each other with as little of their bodies touching as physically possible. The man hug is a hilariously awkward motion if you think about it. Yet two women will hold hands, or when sitting next to each other actually touch at the hips without any qualms. This type of touching is important in how we relate to each other, both in our natural development and emotional connection.

I’m not saying that I want to start holding people’s hands, because that’s far from what I mean. In fact, I’m not a big fan of touching other people. I’d rather have my personal space, because this is the social and personal sphere I’m comfortable with. If we’re sitting in a booth at a restaurant, do not move closer to me because of this conversation. But I do think the amount of touching people do is important. You can tell someone who was never held as a child, they interact with the world in a more distant way. These signs tell you a lot about a person.

There are lots of little things you can tell by physical signs. A person sitting with their legs crossed at the ankles is probably nervous. Don’t believe me? Pay attention to people sitting in a dentist’s chair next time you have an appointment. And they aren’t even touching anybody else.

If you’re a bolder man than I am, next time you are meeting a new girl go through the two tests we did earlier. And then take their hands by the fingertips to front knuckle (preferably with permission,) and look into their eyes while talking about how this is a far more intimate form of touching than a handshake. And this is despite having less than half of the actual physical contact. See how they react, ask if they agree, see if they hold your gaze (don’t stare creepily if you can.) Before you let go of their hands give their fingers a light squeeze, and see if they squeeze back. If they do, you’ve made a connection.

What does it mean? As likely as not nothing, but if they don’t respond it is a definite sign. Ever notice how a couple will hold hands and occasionally give a light squeeze, and the other person responds back. It’s almost a clutching, though momentary. An acceptance or ownership, if you will. It’s not something people do unless they have a more intimate connection. Don’t read too much into it, reading the physical signs is only part of an interaction. Cadence and tone are more important than words, but that doesn’t mean you can ignore what people are saying because you’re too involved with how they say it.

There are psychological studies about these things, as well as the whole pheromone levels and all that other nonsense. You’ll notice that I haven’t cited any of that info, nor will I clam to have actually researched any of this. Why not? Because it’s a frickin blog people, I don’t need to justify anything.

Regardless of my lack of evidence, I still find it to be an interesting thing to consider. What do you think?