Let's be friends!!!!!!!!

        I’m not sure why I have to clarify this, but I am not a friendly friend.  It’s a pretty absurd mistake to make, since I’m, like, me.  And have been for an awfully long time.

        I don’t want it to sound like some kind of negative thing.  It’s not like I don’t like my friends.  I don’t like all of them or anything, but I’m amenable to some of them.  Just don’t expect me to be the happy cuddly kind of friend.  

        Look, if you’re moving and can afford beer, give me a call.  If you need a ride to the hospital because you shattered your hip, call 911.  Don’t wait for me, crazy person.  If there is something generic and undaunting that needs to be accomplished, I’m the friend to call.   I’m a generic and undaunting companion.  I’ll even buy the last round, I’m just that sort of cat.

        If you’re having emotional issues or want validation?  Not so much.  I’m the friend who can outdrink you.  I’m the friend who can trump your embarrassing stories because, again, I can outdrink you.  The only way someone like me makes somebody else feel better about themselves is when they look at my life critically and say, “damn.”  But you don’t need me around for that.

        So please people (person,) when you want a friend to go out and have a good time or be supportive in a trying time, call a woman.  It ain’t me, babe.

Please God will somebody please, please know the song reference of the last sentence...