Culinary Expertise

You may have noticed that I routinely post pictures of food on this blog. And yes, I’m the one who does the cooking. Egads! A man who can cook? What is the world coming to!?!

Actually, only women are surprised that I can cook, most men accept it indifferently like we accept everything else. We really only overreact over sports and women. Women over 45 are surprised because they don’t know any men who can cook. Women under 30 are surprised because they have no idea how to cook. The decade and a half in-between are pretty hit or miss.

However, since apparently two separate generations are somewhat confused by the fact that I cook, I thought I’d lay out some basics here. Don’t worry, I’m not going to go all Julia Child on you, she was far more of a man than I could ever be.

First thing, if you are not a complete idiot, i.e. you can read; then you can cook. This is not rocket science here. If you’ve ever looked at a recipe you may have noticed the chronologically challenging nature of a cookbook. First there is step one (often with a picture,) and then you move to gasp step two! Congratulations moron, you now know how to follow directions. Feel free to hook up your own damn tv next time you move, I’m busy.

One thing that I do that some people can’t/won’t is throw things together without a recipe. This is slightly more complex since it isn’t actually written down for you. However, you mostly just mimic things that you’ve done in the past and enjoyed. I’m going to lay out my three primary rules, simply because I don’t want to think of more:

1. Butter is good
2. Olive oil is good
3. Garlic is good

Yep, that’s the extent of my thought process. Home style cooking is easy because it isn’t supposed to be pretty. Presentation is for blowhards in white hats, food ought to be ugly. My culinary experiments are very basic and simple, because I enjoy simple food. My real trick is to use fresh ingredients whenever possible, because fresh is always better. Pretty basic.

I hate to burst your bubble here if you were impressed, because it really is very simple. I can read, therefore I can cook. When I don’t feel like reading I use butter, olive oil, and garlic and hope for the best. Done deal.

People sometimes ask me why I’m still single, and I always say because I know how to cook. Look fellas, if you’re wondering if that girl is worth it, just ask yourself if she’s a better cook than you. If she isn’t, than she isn’t worth it and you need to move on, fucking immediately. What’s wrong with you?

C’mon ladies, ya’ll know it’s true! It’s not like the knife doesn’t cut both ways. If you’re wondering if that guy in your life is truly the special someone, just ask yourself if he makes more money than you do. If he doesn’t, he isn’t. Don’t even try to deny that this isn’t part of the process. Remember, “all you need is love” was written by a man with a full bank account.