Title-less

            Henry’s is my favorite bar, because it’s a complete dive and nobody comes here unless they’re a regular.  Nobody thinks to themselves: “y’know where I haven’t been in awhile?  Henry’s!  Let’s go there for a change of pace.”

            Why doesn’t anybody say this?  Because Henry is my cousin and he doesn’t seem to give a shit about people he doesn’t like.  If he doesn’t know you your beer is served last.  It’s a terrible way to run a business.  I love this place.

            Wednesday is my normal Henry’s night; I always meet Rick and Marty here.  We have an agreement, Wednesdays are sacred drinking days.  Doesn’t matter what’s going on in your life, unless something is physically wrong you show up, play at least one game of pool and buy one pitcher.  Those are the rules, and girlfriends or wives need to be aware of this rule before they get any ideas.

            The problem is, that girlfriends and wives are also welcome to come.  We had to implement this compromise when Marty got married.  Turns out that if you make a personal rule and explain it to a girlfriend they’re willing to give in just a little bit.  But wives don’t play that game.  Rules don’t work well with wives, especially Marty’s wife.  Hell, and I like Helen.  But I sure ain’t crossing the broad.  I’d like to keep my balls and she gets a special kind of angry.  I’m afraid of two things, rental RV’s and women with scissors.  That’s it.

            Renee isn’t coming, and it’s the first Wednesday that she’s missed since we’ve been together.  After six months I’m pretty used to her coming.  It’s an average of what, four weeks per month.  So after six months of Wednesdays it’s 24 Henry’s nights?  That actually doesn’t seem like all that many.  Why does six months feel like a long time?  Based on my drinking schedule it’s actually not that long at all. 

            Given that my best relationship happened when I was four, I think that six months with Renee is a pretty good accomplishment.  Maybe I have better luck with women whose names start with an “R.”  Rachel, Renee… I also dated a Rosalyn once.  But we didn’t really end all that well, so maybe it’s not an “R” thing.

            Rachel and Renee are both two syllables, it could by a syllabic thing…

 

Jesus, and I just started drinking.  Somebody else better show up soon, because I ain’t making no sense.

 

            Thank God, Rick’s here.  He’ll notice that Renee isn’t here, but he won’t care.  Rick is probably the least likely person to ever get married; he loves his life too much.  Tonight is going to be a good night to talk to a perpetual bachelor.  They always have the best perspective.

            “Yo, Rick, what is the happening?”

            “Same old story, you flying solo tonight?”

            “Yep.”  Short and to the point.

            “Cool.”

            And that’s it, this is why Rick and I are friends.  Because while we both know there is probably more that should be said, we aren’t going to say it.

            “We’re on the waiting list for the table.  First pitcher’s on me” I say.

            “That’s my boy, Ryan.  Where’s Marty and the chain?”

            “Hell if I know, when’s the last time they were on time?”

            “Good point.  How’s things?”

            “Eh.  You?”

            “Yep.”

            “Good times.”

            “It will be after a few rounds.  Hey Henry!”

            Henry wanders over, or waddles over.  It depends on how you look at it really.  Is he lazy because he’s just a lazy person, or is he actually really on the ball but too fat to move any faster?  These are the things I think about my cousin.  Needless to say, we aren’t particularly close.

            “Rye, Rick.  What can I get for you?”

            “You have to ask?”

            “No, but I’m still hoping you someday order a pitcher of real beer and give up on this cheap shit.”

            “C’mon Henry,” Rick says.  “I have my miserly alcoholic reputation to uphold.  If I change now what will people think of me?”

            Henry shakes his head half in agreement.  Way to go cuz.

            “Alright Ryan, we do need to talk about something real quick.”

            Shit.

            He continues, “I know that you and Renee are having some sort of beef, and you know that I’m not going to get in the middle of your shit.  Unless somebody needs to get their ass kicked or something.”

            “Granted.”

            “But Marty called to tell me not to talk about Renee, because something’s going on. “

            “Ah, Renee and Helen touched base, and Helen made Marty call you.”

            “Exactly, which means that Helen is going to set you up into one of her, “we need to talk about life” episodes.  I thought you’d want fair warning.”

            “Goddammit Marty,” I say to nobody in particular.

            “Balls in a vice bro.”

            “But seriously, Helen?  I introduced the two of them, you’d think I’d get some leeway on this.”

            “Bitches is crazy.”

            “They are today.  How do you think I should play it?” I ask.

            “Tough to say…”

            “You thinking evade and distract?”

            “I think I’d try to avoid all types of conflict.”

            “She’s going to be pretty committed, I may need some backup.”

            “What are you thinking?"

            “Well,” I say “I figure the best thing to do is keep changing the subject whenever she starts talking, so that she can’t turn the topic onto me or Renee.  So I’ll need you to help me keep the ball rolling.”

            “Sports.”

            “Come again?”

            “If we focus on sports, she won’t be able to break into the discussion.  Helen hates football, so if we talk about it she’ll never get a word in.”

            “That’s brilliant.”

            “It’s what I do.”

 

            Henry came over to let us know our table was open.  Tonight is going to be interesting.