“So what is this thing anyway, did she break-up with you or not?” Rick asks.
“It’s some kind of alone time hybrid not break-up thing, I guess.” I have no idea.
“I hate to break it to you bro, but taking a break is code for ‘we’re breaking up.’ What are you, twelve?”
“I know the break up code as well as you do, I’ve been doing this a long time. But I’m telling you, this time is different. She doesn’t want to break up, and it’s not a normal break thing. I’m not sure how to read it.”
“A break is a break-up, forever and always.”
“Y’know, I’d understand it if it was a ‘seeing other people’ situation. Cause at least that means…”
“…she wants to sleep around, case closed,” Rick finishes.
“Exactly, at least then I know what I’m dealing with. It’s just common break-up etiquette to give me something to work with. There’s always the ‘I need some time for myself’ routine.”
“Which means time away from you, trying to find something better. I get that one all the time for some reason.”
“There are good reasons Rick. But this thing with Renee? It just feels different, it’s more of a pause than a break, I guess. Does that make any sense?”
“That’s the problem right there bro, we’ve worked out break-up code etiquette over thousands of years, so that shorthand is known to both sides. But if you’re trying to make sense of a woman? There’s no manual for that, man.”
“Very helpful.”
“Ryan my boy, I’m going to try to help you out of this situation, I am the master at reading women.”
“Sure… the master. Speak your wisdom, jefe.”
“Give me a moment.” Rick closed his eyes and hummed in some sort of mock meditation.
“Seriously?”
“I’m just centering myself here. Let me see if I got this right, she wants time apart, but not with some other guy, and she’s specific on that, right?” I nod. "So it’s a time apart-esque without being a traditional time apart thing.”
“I guess.”
Rick get’s a big goofy grin on his face. “Then it’s simple, elementary really.”
“Is it now?”
“I should have seen it from the beginning, and you’re going to kick yourself for not getting it right away. You ready? It’s a chick.”
“The hell you talking about?”
“She isn’t scrapping the relationship, but is getting some space to maneuver, or experiment maybe? It’s gotta be another girl, this is a huge score for you bro!”
“Score? How is this a good thing? Wait… what makes you so damn convinced that it’s some girl? I’m not seeing the connection here.”
“It’s the only thing that fits all the variables my man. If you’re right and she’s creating distance with the intention of continuing the relationship, and you know for a fact that it isn’t some dude, gotta be a girl. Has she ever told you about ‘experimenting’ in college or anything? This is frickin awesome news!”
“Experimenting? I have no idea.”
“How can you have no idea about something like that?”
“Why would I?”
“Dude, you always find out about that shit, it’s like the first step in all relationships. The experiment question always comes early, it’s like the foundation for your sex menu.”
“You have a sex menu?”
“For every girl I’ve ever been with bro, it’s the most important part of the whole deal. You push a little here, push a little there and find out what’s going to fly and what won’t. You find some kink in that corner; find out what kink will never have a corner. The better you know the girl, the more buttons you find. And you, y’know, build the menu.”
“That’s ah… wow. You’re a sick individual, you know that?”
“You’re just mad that you’ve never had a good menu bro, it’s the key to a healthy sex life. How else are you going to know what to do?”
“No, it’s brilliant, just a really vile and disgusting way of putting it.”
“You can’t have a good meal unless you know all the options on the menu. If a girl doesn’t have the variety I’m accustomed to, it’s just not going to work. I’m telling you bro, every threesome I’ve ever had came from the menu, and you’re on step one. This is all good for you.”
“And this stuff works for you?”
“A relationship is all about getting to know each other. This is how I do.”
“Yeah, that’s uh… yeah. Make sense. Creepy brilliant.”
“There’s nothing creepy about it man, I’m a big believer in sexual compatibility.”
“Rick, you are the master. I now no longer wonder why women think men are such pigs. Not only is this the type of thing you think about, but from now on I’m going to have to start thinking about it. Thanks for the new level of shallow.”
“I’m telling you, Rye, this is a prime opportunity for you.”
“Okay, sex menu talk aside, this whole Renee batting for the other team thing is a bit of a stretch.”
“You have a better theory?”
Sadly, I really don’t, but I still don’t buy it. “Sounds like wishful thinking on your end.”
“Eh, maybe. But that’s the best kind of thinking anyway.”
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